Groups offer a helping hand: When holidays aren't the most wonderful time

Groups offer a helping hand: When holidays aren't the most wonderful time: "To help kids deal with the myriad of emotions that accompany abuse, be it financial, emotional, verbal, or physical, the YWCA’s Domestic Abuse Services program offers private and group counseling sessions, as well as special seasonal outings with trained volunteers from local high schools.

Throughout December, for example, teen volunteers have been taking groups of kids on ice-skating trips to rinks in surrounding towns.

“It’s easier for the child, especially in an outside activity, to go to a different town,” Ms. Adam said. “You don’t want to really draw attention to the fact the kids are with volunteers or are victims of domestic abuse.”

The YWCA has also offered sessions where kids and volunteers make gingerbread houses — something that helps children experience the joy of the holidays and open up to people they can trust.

“Two things happen: They’re able to be children and they’re able to team up with a positive role model,” Ms. Adams said.

She said this type of “play therapy” is a big part of the YWCA’s approach, since children are sometimes more comfortable talking about their feelings when they’re wearing a mask or playing with dolls.
"

Verbal Abuse fo sale

Well, you gotta laugh!

blog.myspace.com/entertainmentearth: "Verbal Abuse for Sale! Get Some While You Can!

Do you need more verbal abuse in your life?

If you need to feel some level of scorn, but don't want to have to ask someone to yell at you, why not try the Monty Python Abuse Keychain? This tiny battery-powered device has seven buttons, each with unique sound effects from the classic comedy sketches and films of Monty Python.

Highlights include such classics as:

'You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person.'

'Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!'

'Death awaits you all! With nasty, big, pointy teeth.'
"

Stick and Stones....

Bedford Times-Mail Online News - Marriage and Family Alliance: Words can hurt just as much as sticks and stones: "Occasionally, wounds spur us on to be stronger, bolder, more caring, more compassionate, more loving because of the way we were hurt. Most often, verbal abuse has the opposite effect, resulting in low self esteem, anger, bitterness and lack of motivation. This deteriorates into self-inflicted wounding evidenced by indulging in alcohol, sexual exploitation, teen pregnancies, drug use, gambling, dropping out of high school, working menial jobs, poverty, domestic violence and crime.

Think of your own words, the ones that have not been encouraging. Is it too late to repair the damage? No. You can start with a heartfelt apology, asking for forgiveness. By making an apology and seeking forgiveness, we allow God to do what seems to be impossible: healing those inner wounds of our hearts."

Ochuk’s blog

Love this take-sort of a light hearted look at verbal abuse. We have to laugh about sometimes!


Ochuk’s blog: "So I see there are a lot of books out there on the so-called “five love languages.” Hmmm. Let’s see, teenagers, family, couples, apology, children, singles, men, and God. What? No spousal abuse? I guess I will have to write that one."

SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED

It's so hard to admit that the one we loved never loved us...with some abusers that is not true, but with the narcisist, it is. My Abuser, Bob Bowman, tried to love me--but he couldn't get past his own barriers--in the end he never did see me, ony the extensionof himself that he wanted me to be--what about your abuser? Is he targeting you becasue of culture, inexperience, religion, or is he targeting you because his own disorder is never allowed him to see that you are real---time for honesty, deep honestity and you may not like what you find. I didn't!!!!

Here is a geat blog to help ou find out:

SANCTUARY FOR THE ABUSED: "The ‘person’ you cared about, looked after and more than likely loved never existed! Their life is an act. They present themselves in a different guise depending on the situation. The most difficult part is to let go of the image you fell in love with all those years back. Unfortunately the image you feel in love with had been carefully cultivated to trap you! Taking off those 'rose tinted glasses' is a long, slow and painful process; remember you've worn them for a very long time. Do not be tempted to put them back on at all cost."

POPSUGAR-abused verbally

Tori to Write a Memoir | POPSUGAR: "Though Tori has not kept a diary over the years – the anecdotes are 'only in my head,' she says – she still has 'a million stories to tell.' Among the topics she plans to cover in the book are plastic surgery ('I basically want to lay it out in my terms'), past relationships ('I want to clear up that I was never in a physically abusive relationship, but verbal abuse is just as detrimental'), and her treatment in her father's last will and testament."

Self defense Starts with self awareness

LongmontFYI Business News: "Ninety percent of self-defense is risk awareness, risk reduction,” says Monica Hall, founder of Active 1 Self Defense.

Hall should know. She’s been a martial arts instructor for more than a decade and is obtaining her second-degree black belt."

Hall said the workshop teaches the ABCs of self-defense: awareness, boundaries and combat — if necessary. “The majority of the scenarios that take place can be avoided by just your voice and your body posture,” she said.

North Lake Tahoe-what DV really is.

Well, thank God, more and more communities are beginning to understand that abuse is about maintianing conrol and power over another!

North Lake Tahoe Bonanza - Opinion: "People think of domestic violence as a husband battering a wife, but verbal, emotional and financial abuse can be more painful than physical abuse itself. Domestic violence includes emotional and economic abuse, coercion, threats and isolation. It is a pattern of coercive and assaultive behavior used to establish power and control over another person. Domestic violence is about maintaining control. "

Bully Buster Seminar

Verbal abusers are big bullies. And yes, we can learn the skills to deal with them. This article suggest conflict resolution skills and peace education which is a crock! bullies and abusers don't respond to "nice"--they abuse it, they turn it around on you and make you feel guilty--the only way to stop them is to not allow the bad behavior AT ALL! the article is interesting though--read on...

Free Community Bully Buster Seminar: "“While it’s the violent bullying that makes the headlines, the vast majority of bullying comes in the form of verbal bullying,” claims Robinson. “Verbal bullying doesn’t hurt physically, but it can have deeper consequences such as low self-esteem and poor self-image.”

Robinson believes that learning how to deal with a bully is a skill just like reading or writing. "

Retalitory Abuse

Although most targets are women in verbal abuse--there is a percentage of men--in physical abuse it's less than 5% but for verbal, there are a lot ow women who really attack their guys... Abuse is Abuse is Abuse--if its retalitory for what they said to you--its still not justified!

Domestic abuse victims find a helping hand in Dickson County - Wednesday, 10/11/06: "“We know statistically that about 95 percent of domestic violence victims are women. Some of those numbers reflect homosexual relationships, lesbian relationships. The five percent of domestic violence victims that are men, a large number of those reflect male partner violence. In the small remaining amount, there are some men that are truly victims and some of it is retaliatory, women who are at a point where they have nothing to lose.”"

Story sags in 'The Departed'

Unfortuantely, a lot of people only know how to communicate through verbal abuse--they think it's normal!

SCREEN SCENE: Stars sizzle but story sags in 'The Departed': "Mark Wahlberg plays a foul-mouthed sergeant who seems to feel that verbal abuse is the only form of communication.
"

If "The Departed" is intended to depict a real American subculture, then it's depressing that there still exists such brutality, racism, homophobia and organized crime in a middle-class milieu. Taken as a work of fiction, it's a fascinating character study that might have been even more gripping set in an area with no cell coverage.

Groups for verbal abuse

Chambersburg Public Opinion - Our view: Abuse victims can get help: "WIN has tried to assure victims that help is available, and with that in mind, is offering a new support group for victims of verbal abuse.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical. An abuser can tear down the self-esteem of his partner by being overly critical and easy to anger.

WIN, in a news release about the support group, asks these questions:

--Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week?

--Do your attempts to discuss feelings or pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved?

--Does your partner deny being angry, even when he clearly is?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you may benefit by participating in the support group that begins in mid-September."

Be a Man

What does it mean to "be a Man?"


CrimeSucks: "'You go out to a high school and ask, 'What's a real man?'' he says. 'They're going to talk about strength and respect, they're going to talk about power -- all those things that have a connection to a degree of violence.'

Faulkner rhymes off a slew of statistics: In Ontario, 94 per cent of all domestic homicides have female victims and male perpetrators; in the U.S. (and Faulkner says Canadian numbers are comparable) 85 per cent of individuals who commit homicides are males; 90 per cent of individuals who commit assaults are males; 95 per cent of individuals who commit serious domestic violence are males; 95 per cent of individuals committing crimes connected to road rage are males.

'We, as a gender, are very violent,' says Faulkner. 'And are becoming more and more violent.' "

Offensive language--new word

As long as we are learning a new way to relate to people, we may as well lern new words too! How about this one: nestbeschmutzing (fouling one’s own nest)
Isn't that what the abuser does?


There's Offensive And There's Offensive - Forbes.com: "The book’s deliberately tasteless provocations, what Glickman agonizes over as symptoms of nestbeschmutzing (fouling one’s own nest), aren’t limited to verbal abuse. There’s also the insistence on the quasi-pornographic appeal of atrocity literature: For the adolescent Glickman, the illustrated Scourge of the Swastika (referred to in at least one earlier Jacobson novel), later the notorious soft porn film, Ilse, She-Wolf of the SS, a video of which turns up in the collection of Max’s sometime nemesis, Errol Tobias."

Domestic Abuse Program Gives Victims Hope

MORE good news!

wjz.com - Domestic Abuse Program Gives Victims Hope: "Victims of domestic abuse in Maryland are getting some help from the state as the 'Maryland Safe At Home Address Confidentiality Program', is now in operation.

The program took effect Monday, and as Maryland's Secretary of State Mary Kane tells WJZ's Richard Sher, 'It provides a substitute address for victims who moved or are about to move to a new location unknown to their abuser.'

Kane also says, 'The program also provides a free confidential mail-forwarding service.'"

a book to keep the marriage intact

we want to save marriages, but not at the expense of one partner. It ony works to save the marriage if the abused spouse learns to STOP being abused.

JewishJournal.com: "Sometimes, though, the conventional wisdom misses the mark. Drawing on interviews with 100 prominent divorce attorneys nationwide, author and former practicing attorney Wendy Jaffe has written an interesting and illuminating work called, 'The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married.' Apparently, those with ringside seats in divorce court, a place where couples venture to shred their wedding vows and one another, have a special insight into how not to behave in marriage.

In her book, Jaffe outlines how to diagnose and treat myriad union-killers, ranging from no-sex marriages to infidelity to unrealistic expectations. Beyond that, she argues that many couples who end up in divorce court could have, and should have, worked harder to save their unions. "

Abusers offered help to break cycle of violence

We're getting more hope everyday! Lots of abusers, both men and women really do want to change and Taylor is one of them. Read about it here.

JS Online:Abusers offered help to break cycle of violence: "'It was scary,' Taylor said. 'I grew up in a house where there was emotional and verbal abuse daily. I took it a step further. I put my hands on the women in my life.'

Taylor wanted to end the intergenerational cycle of violence, and he had one incentive: 'I didn't want my daughter to marry a man like her father.'

Statistics show that 5 out of 10 boys who witness abuse go on to be abusers, and 6 out of 10 girls who witness abuse get into relationships with abusers."

Breast Cancer Strategies; Domestic Abuse Unnoticed

Breast Cancer Strategies; Domestic Abuse Unnoticed: "When asked to define what actions comprise domestic violence and abuse, 2 in 5 Americans did not mention hitting, slapping and punching, a Sept. 21 study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. found. Over 90 percent failed to define repeated emotional and verbal abuse, sexual abuse or controlling behaviors as patterns of domestic violence."

Is your workplace toxic?

Bosses who bully are as bad as onyone who who bullies--but remember, you are a arget--NOT a victim and as such you have more control than you think. Take this test and go read the article--enlightening!



ScienceCareers.org | Bosses Who Bully: Levine: 22 September 2006: "Is Your Workplace Toxic?

Examples of Workplace Bullying (Source: CCOHS)

* Spreading malicious rumors, gossip, or innuendo that are not true
* Excluding or isolating someone socially
* Intimidating a person
* Undermining or deliberately impeding a person's work
* Physically abusing or threatening abuse
* Removing areas of responsibilities without cause
* Constantly changing work guidelines
* Establishing impossible deadlines that will set up the individual to fail
* Withholding necessary information or purposefully giving the wrong information
* Making jokes that are 'obviously offensive' by spoken word or e-mail
* Intruding on a person's privacy by pestering, spying, or stalking
* Assigning unreasonable duties or workload in a way that creates unnecessary pressure
* Underwork--creating a feeling of uselessness
* Yelling or using profanity
* Criticizing a person persistently or constantly
* Belittling a person's opinions
* Unwarranted (or undeserved) punishment
* Blocking applications for training, leave, or promotion
* Tampering with a person's personal belongings or work equipment"

Gas Station Chain To Provide Help For Domestic Abuse Victims

I love this!!!! a community actualy doing somethng to support the targets! Now how can we work verbal abuse into this?

WAVE 3 TV Louisville, KY :: Gas Station Chain To Provide Help For Domestic Abuse Victims: "GasAmerica developed the signs with Alternatives Incorporated, a company that provides services and shelter for women and children who have suffered from domestic violence.

The red signs read, 'Safe Haven -- if you are in an abusive situation, use our phone to call for help.'

The signs include phone numbers for shelters and for local law enforcement. Cards providing advice on how to leave an abusive situation will also be placed in restrooms."

Trash Talking and Verbal Smacks

I ran across this today—something that guys learn from watching NFL—and we wonder why our men think that it is ok to abuse us verbally. What is trash talk?

When it comes to trash-talking, the key is to put your mind, mouth in the gutter: "Trash talking, a part of foo

tball long before helmets had facemasks, is a form of psychological gamesmanship intended to disrupt an opponent's concentration — and it's a game played on high school football fields every weekend."

Where is trash talk learned?

Travis head coach Jerry Sanders said trash talking is "human nature." Kids are exposed to it by watching SportsCenter or NFL highlights.

Is trash talk or verbal smacking allowed infootball?

According to the NCAA football rulebook, trash talking falls under the category of unsportsmanlike conduct. Texas high school referees, who use the NCAA manual, look for "any act that interferes with orderly administration on the part of players, coaches and persons subject to the rules."

So, unsportsmanlike conduct is called against players or coaches who point fingers at opponents, taunt or ridicule an opponent.

Does trash talking work?

"The worse a team is, the more they talk," Dunn said. "I remember when we beat Reagan 78-18 a few years ago, they were talking trash the whole game."

Read the article. It's illuminating. Verbal abuse is trash talking and verbal smacks--high scholl boys learn it is the thing to do to win, EVEN THOUGH IT IS FROWNED ON!

What happens in the homes they thenlive in--they begin trash talking their wives and girlfrinds--does it work? As long as we let them do it, it does.

RESPECT Yourselves--don't let ay one trash talk you--they will do it if you let them.

The Financial Penalty for Spousal Abuse

Bravo JOANNA GROSSMAN, for a great article and more insight into state law and spousal abuse. I commend New York for considering "other" circumstances.

FindLaw's Writ - Grossman: The Financial Penalty for Spousal Abuse A New York Judge Ups the Ante, By Awarding All Marital Property to the Abuse Victim: "Last week, New York Judge Jacqueline Silbermann sent a strong message to abusive spouses. In the case of DeSilva v. DeSilva, she ruled, in a divorce, that a wife was entitled to one hundred percent of the couple's marital property because her husband had verbally and physically abused her. "

I think it's time for states to re-evaluate what no-fault meand and how it actually impacts a divorce.

When I divorced in Washington State, my husband had begun an affair with my 17 year old daughter (his step daughter). When I went to the police and child protective services in Newport, WA, I was told that she was over 16 and could sleep with anyone she wanted. I filed for divorce and had an attorney that told me I would have to pay my husband maintenance because he was on disability and my income potential was greater. Since my husband and daughter were living together, that amounted to paying them to have sex.

This was so unacceptable to me that I fired that attorney (male) and found a female attorney who said she would not let that happen. So horrible were the circumstances, I could not believe it when I was told I could not even mention the fact in court that my husband and daughter were sleeping and living together and suing me to pay them maintenance. I could not fathom what the states were thinking with “no fault” and “equal distribution!”

My attorney was so good that it worked out and I retained all the marital property, including his retirement (that I had funded), but only because my attorney bended things and found legal loopholes and happened to be smarter than his attorney.

I hope that other states will consider that everything is NOT equal in many cases and that spousal abuse (not necessarily physical) can be egregious. And when egregious, the innocent party should be compensated.

Women's motorcycle club rallies for thousands of abused women

I love it when we stick together!

The Beaufort Gazette: Women's motorcycle club rallies for thousands of abused women: "Wednesday, a women's motorcycle club rallied together to donate toasters, bookshelves, mattresses, toiletries, towels, socks and school supplies to the shelter -- a small step in helping the eight women and 12 children living there jump-start their lives."

Fugitive polygamist arrested in Nevada

One giant leap for manKIND and a blow to manABUSE. We are not for or against any religion at YouAreATarget, but feel when religion is used as the abuse excuse, then we should speak out about it. God is not an abuser--but man can be. When we keep the secrets, people get hurt. Let's rejoyce that Warren was caught and, for the time being, stopped.

Fugitive polygamist arrested in Nevada: "Jeffs is wanted in Utah and Arizona on charges of arranging two marriages between underage girls and older men. The charges include two counts of rape as an accomplice in Utah, with each count punishable by up to life in prison.

He had been on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list since May, with a $100,000 reward offered for information leading to his capture."

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Face Down lyrics

I like this song! At least someof our pop stars are spreading recovry messages and not abuse messages. Yeah!!!!

href="http://www.completealbumlyrics.com/lyric/130518/Red+Jumpsuit+Apparatus+-+Face+Down.html">Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Face Down lyrics: "Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found."

Dying for a divorce

the neighbors kept her secret and she ended up dead--why do we feel we have to protect the assholes who treat us so badly????

Why are we so afraid to say, "You can not treat any owman this way and if you do i will report you to the authorities--police, social welfare, the minister or rabbi!"

Read about this woman who did not et our support.

M. had initially requested a divorce six years ago. She had had enough of the violence and the humiliation, but her husband refused to provide a get (religious divorce papers). During six years of proceedings at the rabbinical court, the judges declined to force the recalcitrant husband to divorce his suffering wife.



Meanwhile, M.’s husband continued to physically and verbally abuse her. Although the neighbors were aware of what went on in the couple’s home, no one dared to interfere. In the haredi neighborhood where the couple lived with their four children, the unspoken rules were sacred: Don’t involve the police, and don’t air your dirty laundry in public.

Girl Scouts' Respect Everyone to Respect Yourself

Wow--who woul dhave thought this of the Girl Scouts? this is the essence of the miracle principle, after all... If you respect yourself first, take responsibility for yourself, people are not inclined to try and abuse you. Read about it here:

courant.com | More Conflict, Less Holding Hands: "Not only does she teach girls about it at East Hartford High School, where she is a junior, through the Girl Scouts' Respect Everyone to Respect Yourself program, but also one of her best friends is in an abusive relationship."

"Her boyfriend, he yells at her a lot. If he wants money or something and she doesn't give it to him, he gets mad," she said. "When she does it, he says he loves her."

Protect our pets from the abuser too!

Finally--judges who will help us look after our pets!!! Great story, read below:


SignOnSanDiego.com > News > Nation -- U.S. laws consider pets in domestic violence cases: "Maine, Vermont and New York were the first states to enact laws allowing judges to include pets in protection orders, which require abusers to stay away from their victims. The New Jersey and Illinois legislatures are considering similar measures.

“The desire to protect a pet is often a deterrent for women or victims leaving a situation like this, because they're afraid if they do, their pets will be harmed,” said Sherry Lane of Caring Unlimited, a shelter in Sanford, Maine."

Abuse to violence increasing?

What are the reason that abuse could be increasing to violence inthe US? could it be that we are doing more to stop it and amking the abusers angrier? could it be that rather then let them seek help they will hurt them first? What's going on????

Fairfield Citizen - Severity of Acts of Domestic Violence Increasing: "While verbal abuse, slapping, pushing, punching and threatening with guns or knives are more common, Hazzard said, arson 'is one more tool' that domestic abusers use to exercise control. 'We should be alarmed by all of them.'

'My court advocates have been saying for over a year that the violence is escalating,' she said. The number of violence incidents has not necessarily increased, she said, but the severity of the domestic violence is increasing."

When they destroy your property

One of the things I used to hate was that Bob Bowman, my ex, used to go on rampages and destroy my things and our things. When I went to the police they told me that he was allowed to destroy antyhing he wanted on our property! I'm glad to see that some people are thinking about making laws that may cover us when our spouses (male or female) get out of control. Naturally everyone's premiums will go up to cover domestic abuse rampages..but then we are complicit in the abuse by keeping their secrets! Read about the new laws here:

Straus Newspapers - Pike County Courier / News: "The law aims to prevent abuse victims from being victimized a second time by insurance companies that refuse to pay their claims simply because their abuser intentionally causes the damage to property they may share.

Under the new law, an insurance company cannot refuse to pay losses specifically under an owner-occupied private residential or personal property, private passenger automobile policy or contract. An insurer may not refuse to pay losses to a victim of abuse because the loss is caused by an intentional act of an insured person, or for other limitations on coverage that the Insurance Commissioner determines unreasonably restrict a victim’s ability to recoup losses."

Teens can learn abuse from Wrestling

We wonder where they get it from?????

World Screen - Home: "He continued, “The level of vulgar language, verbal abuse and physical abuse modeled, with unrealistic outcomes, is astonishing. The bottom line is that adolescents are affected by what they are exposed to. This study shows that the incidence of date fighting and other violence increases when the exposure to violence increases. Wrestling doesn’t in itself cause violence, but when combined with overall socialization, violence on television can affect what is perceived as socially acceptable behavior.”"

Women are stronger

Reports say abuse by women up: "'Domestic violence is one person exerting control over another,' he said. 'It is a behavior that is learned, a behavior that is practiced and until you intervene in that practice and teach alternate behavior, we're going to continue to have problems with domestic violence.'

More women will begin standing up for themselves, Searcy said.

'There was a time when women wouldn't fight back,' he said. 'Women are stronger, they got more educated and they realize they've got rights.'
"

Reports say abuse by women up

I don't care what the reports say--the reports are not taken in context--

Verbal and emotional abuse are relatively the same--but the physical can't be the same because a women simply cannot hurt a man like a man can a woman. read about it:

Reports say abuse by women up: "Most intimate partner violence assaults on men by women are relatively minor, according to the CDC. The assaults are mostly pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping and hitting.

'We certainly can't condone slapping or hitting,' said Kate McCord, public awareness coordinator for the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance.

'But there's a wide continuum of violence and women, by far, bear the brunt of more brutal and long-lasting domestic violence,' she said.

Studies that show women physically abuse their intimate partners at the same rate as men often are criticized because they don't put the violence in context, according to the CDC.

'Physical violence by women results in less permanent markings,' said Juanita Graham, counseling services manager for the Avalon Outreach Office in Williamsburg. The office is part of the Avalon Center for Women and Children, which offers services for victims of family violence in Williamsburg, James City County and York County.

'It's a slap here or a slap there and a lot of threatening gestures,' Graham said. 'It's not quite fist-to-face kind of stuff.'"

Shooting Puppies means abuse

Rememer--if they are mean to animals, they are probably an abuser! Check out this sad story from www.preventragedy.com/

“Survivor” winner Brian Heidik, 38, who won $1 million on the 2002 “Survivor: Thailand” show, jailed on charges of domestic violence and shooting a puppy with a bow and arrow. Heidik’s wife, Charmaine Heidik, 34, who said her husband had been “out with friends,” was awakened at 3:30 a.m. to the sound of the puppy yelping. She found Heidik about a foot away from the dog and saw him shoot the 12- to 16-week-old puppy, after which he commented, “I am tired of stupid dogs on my back porch.” Heidik is a former North Carolina State football player and part-time actor who has done stints on “Doogie Howser, M.D.” the daytime soap “Days of Our Lives” and several adult films including “Chick Street Fighter,” which also featured his wife Charmaine. The couple has a history of discord with indications of alcoholism on both sides, with Charmaine agreeing to undergo counseling in return for the dismissal of a charge that she punched Brian in the nose in late 2002. She says Brian has been “spiraling out of cntrol” since winning “Survivor,” adding, “He thinks he can do anything. He thinks he is invincible.” Indeed. By the way, the puppy survived.

komo news | Ads Ask Abusive Men To Get A 'Domestic Violence Checkup'

Finally, a program that makes sense and will actually help targets by really helping the out of control abuser!

komo news Ads Ask Abusive Men To Get A 'Domestic Violence Checkup': "Metro buses will soon feature ads asking men with abusive behaviors to call for a 'Men's Domestic Violence Checkup.'
The program is funded by a grant from the National Institute on Drug Abuse. It's a first of its kind program in which men can call anonymously and confidentially and talk to clinical workers from the U.W. School of Social Work. "

Emotional Abuse and Your Faith

Finally! Maybe pastors can get some real training to help famlies like they are suposed instead of giving us the "obedience" carp we have heard fo so long.

Emotional Abuse and Your Faith: "Recently I read about Nancy Nason-Clark was awarded $440,000 by Lilly Endowment Inc. (I was like WOW!) to develop a web-based model for training pastors to respond to domestic abuse. They can use this model in the privacy of their own home, or their church office. It gives guidelines, resources, etc for the church to follow in times of crisis when this happens within the church. The web-based training will have interactive capacities for questions and answers, offer video clips relevant to the content, and include special monthly features, such as guests-online, panel discussions between experts and ‘ask an expert’ section. To me that was VERY exciting! They have a pretty good response also, so maybe now pastors along with lay people can now make better educated responses to those families in trouble! "

Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths

Don't keep their secrets. It's not your job to keep their secret. It's your responsibiliy to bring it out in the open so we can all deal with each other on an open and honest basis.

Wow, what a concept, honest and open!

Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths: "EXPOSE THEM!! ~ ~

Online Players, Internet Predators, Cyberpaths, Dating Site Frauds... whatever you call them - they need to be EXPOSED! Did they take your money? your heart? your soul? your trust? Tell your story... Share ideas for dealing with them... Share plans to change the internet laws to protect the innocent...HERE
"

Md. Burning Victim Told Judge of Fears

When I lived in Virginia, I spoke before the state legislator to help enact a law that would force the police to take into account the woman's fear level in an abuse case. The story of Yvette is a perfect example why.

When my ex, Bob Bowman, was furious with me, he grabbed his 44 Magnum and slapped it into my hand saying, "Hide this." in a really scary voice. Did he want to shoot me, himself, the neighbors? I was so afraid I went to the police and asked to get rid of his guns--hide them for awhile. But the police said because he didn't say the words "I'm going to shoot someone," his actions and my reaction to his actions meant nothing legally.

We all know that the tone of voice and gestures mean as much or more then the actual words--and who better knows that tone of voice than the partner? You know what I mean by that tone that says "I'll rip your head off if you cross me."

The judge thought that the guy who "really loved his wife" was just trying to be a good husband--he discounted the woman who knew him--why?

Md. Burning Victim Told Judge of Fears: "Three weeks before Yvette Cade was doused with gasoline and set on fire, allegedly by her estranged husband, a Prince George's County judge dismissed the protective order Cade had against him, despite her objections that he was violent."

Yvette Cade Fund

Yvette Cade Fund: "Welcome to my site. Thank you for visiting. As you may have seen on Oprah (Wednesday, May 3, 2006), I have undergone a terrible tragedy. One that I did not expect, and never would have imagined. I encourage all women who are currently involved in abusive relationships to GET OUT NOW. If you have made a decision, as I did, to leave your abusive mate CONGRATULATIONS. You have done the right thing."

Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault related songs - Compiled by Gerri Gribi

Fantiasic site with a discussion about which songs make us believe that domestic violence and abuse can be "romantic". You wonder where women get these ideas and why they stay so long or how they don't recognize aubse? Look at these songs!

Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault related songs - Compiled by Gerri Gribi: "I'm often asked to suggest songs related to domestic abuse or sexual assault, so I've compiled this annotated list of songs with accessible recorded versions and links to lyrics when I can find them online.

Inclusion on this list is not a personal endorsement. I simply provide a wide sampling of experiences and stories, for analysis and discussion of how these issues are reflected in popular culture...or in some cases how songs brainwash us into thinking violence is 'romantic.' Readers have suggested additional songs over the years...you be the judge of whether a specific song speaks to your needs. If you would like to suggest a song you MUST PROVIDE: Song Title, Artist, Album Title, and a sentence describing the song."

Help At Hand For Male Domestic Abuse Victims (from Thisisdorset)

Help At Hand For Male Domestic Abuse Victims (from Thisisdorset): "A drop-in centre for men suffering from abuse from their families has been opened in Dorchester.

The national organisation ManKind has set up a helpline and the advice centre in the town with support from the West Dorset charity that helps women who are victims of domestic abuse.

Molly Rennie, chairman of the West Dorset Women's Refuge committee, said: 'We now have an amazing service for women and the next step is to support men.
continued...

'One in six men suffer from domestic violence along with one in four women people are often surprised it's that many for both."

Secrets protect the abuser

Recognizing what is going on is the first steop and its so hard becasue we shield the guy or gal who begins treating us badly--NO MORE SECRETS and then we can really start making progress.

The Gazette-Enterprise: "The symptoms of abuse include intimidation through the use of threats, power misuse and control.

Some of the most common forms of domestic abuse are mental and physical abuse, but domestic violence can occur through other avenues, including coercion or threats, the use of intimidation, by being forcibly isolated from friends and family and even by minimizing the victims access to the family income.

Recognizing the symptoms is the first step to finding a way out and getting the help needed to escape the cruelty of abuse."

Shock At Shop Abuse (from This Is Lancashire)

We don't want our partners abusing us verbally or emotionally and yet have any us taken out a bad day on a shopkeeper? When we demand to be respected and treated well, we must also give that same respect to others. In England, they are doing something about it.

Mps Shock At Shop Abuse (from This Is Lancashire): "MP’s shock at shop abuse
By Citizen reporter

Chorley MP Lindsay Hoyle is supporting shopworkers who have formed Usdaw United Against Abuse (UUAA) after a survey found 95 per cent of retail staff have been verbally abused by customers.

UUAA teams will hand out red cards across the UK, reminding shoppers that verbal abuse is a form of intimidation.

Mr Hoyle said: 'I'm shocked that one million shopworkers are verbally abused every day.'"

Symptoms of Parnter and Domestic Abuse

You have to scroll down the page to reader comments to read the rest of this, but you want to watch out for this guy!

Symptoms of Parnter and Domestic Abuse: "From Anonymous in Orange County.
YAHOO PERSONALS HAS THIS AD: 'ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS/ ONE OF THE FEW.' Orange County, CA. STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN!

I met this guy from the above ad. He told me he was in trouble a lot growing up; did arson as a child and started having sex at 13. Why didn't I see these as warning signs? Symptoms of the classic sociopath that I didn't see in this guy until now:"

Research considers how Christian women cope with domestic abuse - UQ News Online - The University of Queensland

Research considers how Christian women cope with domestic abuse - UQ News Online - The University of Queensland: "She said while talking to women for her study, she heard tales of church leaders telling them to respect their husbands and forgive them for their abusive actions.

“Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation, and some of these women were forced to endure abuse for years because they were told leaving their husbands would be a greater sin,” Dr Baker said. "

JONES: There's no excuse for domestic abuse : The Morning Call Online

There is no excuse for domestic abuse--Tee-shirt?
NO EXCUSE FOR VERBAL ABUSE.

JONES: There's no excuse for domestic abuse : The Morning Call Online: "'Brett Myers was not apologetic,'' said Pam Russell, executive director of Turning Point of Lehigh Valley, an organization dedicated to aiding the victims of domestic violence. ''He said, I'm sorry I got caught. He's not saying he's sorry he did it. It goes back to entitlement: She's my property. I'm not sorry I did it. I'm sorry anybody had to find out about it. What kind of message does that send to kids: It's OK, but don't get caught? No, it's just not OK.''"

Difficult Relationships » Blog Archive » Partner abuse

Great blog!!!! after you read it, go down and read what a commentor "Crusader: has to say--it'll make you laugh! He is everything we don't want in a man! and he thinks he's being cool. WOW--what do you think

Difficult Relationships » Blog Archive » Partner abuse: "If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:

1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.

2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.

3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.

4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.

5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.

6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.

7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.

8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to."

The Morning News :: News Page

The Morning News :: News Page: "Springdale is considered one of the toughest cities in Northwest Arkansas on domestic abuse cases, according to Jeff Harper, Springdale City Attorney. Because, Harper said, prosecutors in Springdale will rarely drop the case, even if the victim refuses to testify against the abuser."

It'a about time!!!!!

Family Court Judge arrested for domestic abuse

NO ONE IS IMMUNE! His girl friend that he popped also worked in the family courts!

Family Court Judge arrested for domestic abuse: "He makes a living off of hearing cases involving spousal abuse. Now a family court judge is finding himself on the other side of the law. Judge Steven Jones was arrested Tuesday night for domestic violence."

"Reach out for help and break free"

Here, medica personnel reach out to others--At Kaiser

"Look at yourself in the mirror," she suggested. "Is this what you want to do with your life?"

Behind her, the display listed the names and photographs of three Kaiser employees who paid for their poor choices with their lives.

Hair Dressers can help the abused

Thi sis an example of the commnity pulling together and educating men and women who really need help!

Controlling behavior can sometimes be spotted by a stylist, Krasniak said.

"You might start offering a change (of hairstyle) and she says, 'No he would not like that,' or 'He would kill me if I cut my hair,'" she said. "You start to think there might be some control issues."

Over the years Krasniak has suspected that some of her clients were victims of abuse. Some of them opened up and described their partner's behavior.

"I would just listen to what they told me," she said. "I told them there were programs out there and just advised them to seek help."

The new program trains stylists to steer people who may be abused toward one of the state's nine domestic violence projects, Blanchard said.

YOu can read aboout this novel program here.

TheRealityCheck.Org Writing & Public Relations

I read this bit on violence and wondered where they got the idea that women were TWICE as likely to be severly violent than men?

TheRealityCheck.Org Writing & Public Relations: "Psychologist Renee McDonald interviewed married and co-habiting couples, and reported that women were twice as likely to engage in severe partner violence: www.washingtontimes.com/culture/20060511-112526-4029r.htm Family violence researcher Murray Straus recently presented findings from over 13,000 university students in dating relationships. He found that female-only violence was twice as common as male-only violence:"

I decided to look up the "research" they cited and this is what it really said:

Specifically, women were more likely than men to throw something, push, grab, shove, slap, kick, bite, hit or threaten a partner with a knife or gun.
However, men were more likely than women to commit "severe" acts of violence, such as beating, choking, burning, forcing sex or actually using a knife or gun on their partners.

I think Reality Check" needs a reality check on itself! It's reporting things in such a slanted way as to make "open" discussion laughable.

I wonder sometimes about the verbal abusers. Women do abuse the guys! Of course men's abuse carries more power and is scarey as such, but emotionally it doesn't matter who is the perpetrator or who is the target--verbal abuse HURTS.

Take responsiblity and inforce the respect-me rules.

Database for Marriage and Divorces needed

In the U.S. there is NO database for marriage and divorces.
People can go out of the state or just to the next county, apply and records are most often NOT checked.

Bigamy, fraud, etc is committed all the time in the U.S. this way. Married people sign onto to online dating sites as single - and no one is the wiser.

To end this - the following petition has been started:

http://www.petitiononline.com/its2bad4/petition.html

PLEASE PLEASE SIGN AND SEND IT TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST AND ASK THEM TO SIGN AND SEND IT ON TOO!!!

Save more men and women from being defrauded, used and hurt!

Physical and Verbal Abuse

Physical and Verbal Abuse: "Abusers typically act out of an unchecked need for control, and the people they abuse become imprisoned by manipulation and domination — sometimes even believing they deserve this cruel behavior. Fortunately, there is a way out of abusive patterns both for those addicted to control and those victimized by abuse."

A well organized site that agrees that divorce is not always the solution. One of the best resources I've seen.

Question: What is Mental Cruelty?

Illinois Divorce Info - What is Mental Cruelty?

Here you can read and compare how far we have come with education even the courts on mental cruelty (AKA: vebal abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse). It used to be HARD to get anyone to listen:

By way of example, and jokingly. I have often stated that, in the old days, you almost had to prove that he or she threw a rat in the other's soup on a regular basis in order to inflict emotional pain. Today, it might be enough to show that the the wrongdoer becomes argumentative and unreasonably loud and insulting on a regular basis, if the soup is served a little late.

Check it out! Makes ya feel good.

Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths

Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths: "Richard (Rick) Kudlik" Our friend "Fighter" has introduced the predator of the month. There's a lot of things his first and last name rhyme with, but I won't be so crude as to make puns with Dick's--ah Rick's names! "Kudlik" is a special one--gets us ladies online and is a oooo "US Marshall" and even carries a gun to impress us. Although at target we are about the abuse in a domestic situation, we don't forget the abusers who are seeking us out so blatantly--it can be pretty devastations just online--and god help us if we met and fall in love with one of them (e-harmony aside).

While I was reviewing Fighter's blog again (I love her spirit) I saw a great article that I want you all to read. Go to her page, scroll past the Charlie Sheen story to the May 31 blog. You'll read something on amends--

For a person who, during his addiction (predatory internet encounters), continually lied, making amends would not mean saying, "I'm sorry for blowing up at you." It would include admitting to his spouse what he has done, recounting a specific incident, and then saying, "I know this caused you great pain and frustration. What do you need from me to make up for this?" If her request is within his realistic limits, he would act to make restitution to her. By making amends, he owns precisely what he did and commits himself to a change in his behavior.

Of course we all want that kind of amends from our abuser but.... will not see that day in most cases! However, if we understand the principle and apply it to ourselves, we begin to retrain our own thinking and take responsibility for who we are. Remember, only when we take total responsibility for our choices can we begin to change. When we allow them to treat us like crap--that's our fault! I made amends to my first husband for allowing him to abuse me! He could only be a doggeral because I let him! YES--we have to reach that stage before we can get really healthy. Anyway--go to Fighter's blog--she is the best!

Help this Lady Deal with Abuser

We received an email from a woman who is being 'abused' from her ex--what are some experieces that you have used to deal with your abusers when you have to deal with them--maybe we can help! Just place your comment as a guest below if you don't have an account -- anyone can comment and we welcome your help.

The tutorial was a nice reminder that I learned these things already when I read some books and did therapy after allowing myself to be a victim in a stupid marriage. I still can't find any information on how to deal with the abuser when we have to share custody of the child though. My ex continues to abuse me from afar by threatening to take my visitation away if I don't do, say or act the way he wants me to. He just uses our son as the excuse to harrass me in this way because "he is just looking out for..." This constant harrassment is damaging to my current marriage because we have no way to completely withdraw from the situation.

Domestic violence: Definition and Much More From Answers.com

domestic violence: Definition and Much More From Answers.com: "hose who have studied domestic violence believe that it usually occurs in a cycle with three general stages. First, the abuser uses words or threats, perhaps humiliation or ridicule. Next, the abuser explodes at some perceived infraction by the other person, and the abuser's rage is manifested in physical violence. Finally, the abuser 'cools off,' asks forgiveness, and promises the violence will never occur again. At this point, the victim often abandons any attempt to leave the situation or to have charges brought against the abuser, although some prosecutors will go forward with charges even if the victim is unwilling to do so. Typically, the abuser's rage begins to build again after the reconciliation, and the violent cycle is repeated."


Note from Shelly: this is the same cycle for verbal and emotional abuse--they degrade you, blow up at some perceived infraction, and then sweet talk you into believing they want to change. Trouble is, they don't ever change until you demand it by refusing to accept their put downs, rage, and humiliation--only you can stop that from happening to you, the law, your mother, or us at YouAreATarget.com can't do your work. Many of our readers drop out of the tutorial during the "honeymoon" phase of the cycle when the abuser promises he or she will change--have you dropped out on promises, or are you going to MAKE your abuser respect you?

A Perfect Target

This reads like a good novel. If you want to identify--see how others were "targeted," please read Catherine's blog--a good story.

A Perfect Target

Nigerian Men and their Foreign Wives

Here is a great article that illustrates the point we make at YouAreATarget.com. Nigerian Men are abusive and domineering to their Nigerian wives and treat their foreign wives much better--WHY? Because they can get away with it in their culture but are less likely to get away with it with American wives--same man, two situations. In one they treat their wives badly--in the other, they don't.

Here is an excerpt from the site:

Why are Nigerian men afraid to turn control over to their Nigerian wives? Why are they averse to showing their sensitive side? Why the need to control and dominate? Why are Nigerian men reluctant to take their wives on a romantic walk to the parks and beaches, buy roses and cards? Why the need to bottle up their romantic side? Why have they refused to do for their Nigerian wives what they would heartily do for non-Nigerian women? After all, Nigerian women, unlike their foreign counterparts usually do not demand to be co-captains of the house.They usually do not demand for more than is earthly possible.

Nigerian Men and their Foreign Wives

One of our readers found another great site as a resource. There are many reasons for abuse in a realtionship--one of which is sociapthy--here's a site that will help explain why. My ex never loved me (admitting this was hard to swallow at first) and he married me so he could appear normal and because I took care of him--Cathrine says in her blog "Their relationships allow them to appear normal. " Yeah--been there, done that. check out her site and see if that's why your partner is an abuser.

Without Empathy

Sociopaths fail to fulfill their promises or commitment made with romantic partners. They usually have a string of broken relationships and/or failed marriages due to their inability to feel true love and sustain intimate relationships. They never really form emotional attachments and therefore lack any sense of obligation. It may appear that there is an attachment but it isn't real. According to Dr. Martha Stout in her book 'The Sociopath Next Door', sociopaths will marry but never for love. Their relationships allow them to appear normal. Sociopaths can "know the words but not the music". They learn to appear emotional and romantic by imitating others' behavior.

Native Population Myth Buster

From a Canadian site for native populations comes a wonderful informaational page that will help all of us get a better grip.

Family Violence is NOT traditional. You and your children have the right to live in a situation that is free of violence!

They also have good things to say about the types. My ex used to love to handle his gun in front of me and would tell others I was making it up: Oh well, we know what we know. Where do you see you in these?

Continual insults: Being spoken to in a degrading manner, name-calling, being told that you can't do anything, or that you are stupid, or that you're unattractive, etc.

Threats and intimidation: This includes threats or implied threats such as handling or displaying weapons during arguments, or even possessing weapons. This also includes destroying property or reckless driving.

Forced isolation: Not being able to have your own friends or do the things you want to do such as going to school or getting a job. This may be achieved by withholding money or being denied the use of a vehicle.

Sexual: Forced sex - upon yourself - without your consent - being raped

12 Steps to dealing with abuse

Found another site that talks about how we have to stop the abuse hurled toward us--great site and really helpful if you want a quick look at taking care of yourself. Check out Murry's site.

AS YOU READ THIS thousands of people are being abused by someone who is supposed to love them. Are you one of them? If you are, you need to take action today. Failure to take immediate action can destroy your potential and that of your children to live happy, productive lives. It can even result in your death. Abuse is illegal, immoral, and inhumane. Do you know when a bad relationship becomes an abusive one? Do you know what abuse is?

Preditor and Prey

Life is too short for us to be taken in by men who promise the moon and deliver mud! We have to learn to grow up and "take" responsibility not be "taken in." Here is a great couple of conversations about how men "take-in" and prey on women online. Read it and learn--but more importantly, take repsonsiblity for your choices, ladies!!!!! We know better than to cyber flirt when we are married. We are not children and if we play with fire, we get burnt.

Check out today's lesson at Fighter's site.

Cruelty to Animals Leads to Cruelty to Adults

The "Power for Paws" Website is taking petitions to protect pets in Kansas City where it is apparently only a misdemeanors to torture and kill dogs. We know from the experts that many abusers start off abusing there's and their neighbors pets as kids. A very strong indicator of whether a man is going to abuse his wife is to see how he treats pets. Is he cold, indifferent to their comfort, and does he punish them harshly? If he is treating a pet that way, you'll be the next in line.

Remember the old joke about the newly married couple on their honey moon? The couple were horse back riding and the horse stumbled and the groom got very upset and said, "that's one!" They rode on a bit and the horse took him under a low branch that practically knocked him off his back. The man whipped the horse and said between clenched teeth, "Ok that's TWO!" The new wife was getting concerned and when the horse reared back and the husband slid back in the saddle, leapt from the horse, and screamed, "That's three!" took out a pistol and shot the horse. The wife was horrified and told her husband in no uncertain terms that his reaction was unacceptable. He turned to her red-faced and said between clenched teeth, "OK, that one."

Joking aside, if they mistreat animals--get out now!

There are a number of good articles on this site regarding the mistreating of animals. One article states:

Mohandas Gandhi quote, “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated” should be changed to “The intelligence of a state can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”

Maybe we could say: "The EQ of a relationship could be judged by the way its animals are treated." Or you know how they tell men to look at a woman's mother if they want to know what their wife will look like in a few years. How about telling women, "Look at how he treats his animals if you want to know how he'll treat you in the long run."

What would your quote be?

DR Phil followups

Thursday - January 19, 2006 - Follow Ups

Dr. Phil revisits some of his most amazing stories of the season. First, Tim and Anne Marie were desperate to save their mother, Sylvia, who was constantly talking to the voices in her head. After 10 weeks of treatment, see the inspirational turn Sylvia has taken. What will she say when she meets Dr. Phil face to face? Then, just over a month ago, two women told Dr. Phil how they fell victim to alleged con man and bigamist Ed Hicks. See how their story helped another woman and brought Hicks into police custody. Plus, 18-year-old Natalee Holloway disappeared last May during a senior class trip to the island of Aruba. Dr. Phil is joined by Natalee's mother, Beth, her lawyer, and a consultant to the Aruban government who defends the work of the investigators. Have there been new revelations since the last time Beth appeared on the show? Could rescuers be on the brink of finding the missing teen?

• For more information see: http://www.drphil.com/ and http://www.drphil.com/shows/
• For the time in your area, check: http://www.drphil.com/shows/listing/

Internet Safety and Stopping Abuse

One of our readers, taking the tutorial, wrote this to me this morning:

he walked in and had a rageful fit that I was doing this tutorial....he almost broke the computer, and really scared me.

In most cases, I think we should let our mates know that we are finding resources and we aren't going to take it any longer. However, when violence is an issue, our safety comes first. On the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence pages they have some info on erasing your tracks:

Taking all of the actions on this page may not prevent an abuser from discovering your email and Internet activity. The safest way to find information on the Internet is to go to a safer computer. Some suggestions would be your local library, a friend's house or your workplace. Other safety suggestions: Change your password often, do not pick obvious words or numbers for your password, and make sure to include a combination of letters and numbers for your password.

Does anyone else have some things to add for our reader?