Saturday, January 29, 2011

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace

Listen to our radio interview--15 minutes and the host, Gary, helps us give a great summery of what is in the book!

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace: "As we heard from our guest Kellie Holly last week,verbal and emotional abuse is insidious and destructive. Once you recognize you’re in an abusive relationship, what do you do about it? Shelly and Dr. Michael Marshall say putting a stop to verbal and emotional abuse is up to you."

Friday, January 21, 2011

My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I love this women!!!! Go read her blog. She GETS it! Kelly understands that to be abused you have to allow it.

My Verbally Abusive Marriage:
"I’ve written before that abuse is a cycle. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum, meaning that an abuser cannot be an abuser if there is no one to abuse. A victim cannot be a victim if there is no one to transfer authority to.

I did just that. I transferred my authority over ME to him a very long time ago. I gave me away. I chose to be the harmony instead of the melody. I chose to give up parts of myself in order to … to what?"
Shel also has a free download of a worksheet regarding how you allow abuse and why that abuser does it--work checking out her site.

Friday, January 7, 2011

New Safety options in IE browsing

Great news for targets of abuse--in Internet Explorer's 8 version you can actually, with the click of the mouse, browse privately without your partner seeing what you are doing on the computer. Although Dr. Marshall and myself believe it is best to be open with your abuser that you are now changing the way you let him or her treat you--there may be times when you want to "hide" that you are seeking help. that would be before you are ready to enforce the Respect-me RULES. Maybe you have employed a few boundaries but are not ready to go full out with your new-found attitude. Maybe you fear he is on the verge of violence and you don't want to give him any more fuel.

Well, IE8, as well as some other browsers, makes it easier. If you want to browse and not have other people find out where you've been surfing, use In Private Browsing. You can start an InPrivate session either by; opening a new browser tab and clicking the Open An InPrivate Window link or by clicking the Safety Menu in the Command Bar and selecting InPrivatre Browsing. If you need their service USE IT. We want you be comfortable as you learn your new skills for having people respect you and treat you the way you should be treated.

Several other browsers strive to do the same--but the system is imperfect, so if physical safety is a problem, don't trust the system, according to a company that sells protection software.
InPrivate Browsing" in Internet Explorer, "Incognito mode" in Chrome, and "Private Browsing" in Firefox and Safari all strive to do the same two things: make it impossible for users of the same computer to figure out which sites the browser has been used to visit, and make it impossible for sites to know whether or not a particular user has previously visited them.
The researchers found that the browsers' protections were imperfect. Browsers did not properly isolate their private sessions from non-private ones, with the result that suitably crafted sites could trace visitors between private and non-private sessions. Sites could also leave persistent indications that they had been visited, allowing visits to be detected by local users.
In any case--although not perfect--if you pay attention you can serf safely.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Posture has an effect on the way others treat you!

As reported by Frank Bures in the Scientific Mind, our posture affects the we feel about ourselves, a study suggests. If we "pose" in certain ways, it affects our hormone levels adjusting to the pose we take. For instance, If we put our feet up on the table, as if one is in charge--it makes the person feel more powerful and and produces a drop in the stress hormones.

Improving Posture and Poise to Improve Confidence
"Studies have shown that when you take up a confident posture you begin to feel more confident. As you look and feel more confident you act more confident and people will in turn treat you with more respect. As people around you start to react differently to your new found confidence it fuels your self-image and you become even more confident. It creates a powerful cycle that if maintained can steadily improve confidence over time."
By Donald Dalton
In every moment we are awake, we can choose the way we want to feel. It starts with our thoughts and emotions. Our body then adjusts to match these thoughts and emotions. If you want to have a more positive outlook on your life, look at your posture when you sit, walk and the way you move. Walking with your chest out and your head in line with your shoulders will bring you more confidence and little changes to the way you sit, stand and carry yourself in general can have a huge impact in how others treat you.
Take a moment right now and think about a sad person sitting in a chair. How do they look? Is their head up or down? Are they sitting up straight or are they more slumped over? Now let us imagine this is someone you love like a family member. How do you approach them? Do you come in all smiling and happy or do you approach them more passively? Now let us change the example slightly and say that they are angry. How do they hold themselves? Do you feel like approaching them or not? What if they are happy? How are they sitting in the chair and how does your approach to them change? The posture that others have effects the way we treat them. It also effects the way others treat us.

So what does this mean for the person who is verbally and emotionally abused by partner?
It means that if you hunch over, avert your eyes, shuffle your feet and mouseily slide past your partner you are acting like a victim, weak, afraid and subservient. You are acting like a target and you increase your chances of your partner taking things out on you.

How should you act?  Try holding your head high when you talk even when he is angry. Look just to the side of brow but keep your gaze steady when you talk.  You don't look an abuser right in the eyes because subconsciously males take that as a challenge. You are not challenging them, you are simply not being subservient. When you break eye contact, look to the side--never down. If you look down to break eye contact you are submitting. With a person who is used to brow beating you, it is best to hold your ground at every opportunity.

When you sit in the living room and you are feeling especially vulnerable, try propping your feet up on the coffee table. This is a dominant position and will release hormones that help you feel more powerful and confident.

Putting your hands on your hips is another power position. Try these three things--head high, looking them int he face but not the eyes when talking,  propping your feet up on the coffee table and putting your hands on your hips--do this routinely for a few days and see the difference in how you feel. Then look for other power positions. posture, and poses.

Little things sometimes make a big difference. Comment and let us know how it affected you. In fact, try putting your feet up now!