Wednesday, December 21, 2005

We Mistakenly Believe

This site is very pesimistic, but they deal with domestic violence and of course, we try to change people before that becomes the condition. They do have some terrific comments on what we mistakenly beleive and I like that.

We Mistakenly Believe

That he cares about us and our well-being, if only we were better able to express and explain what we mean, he wouldn’t be so angry or disgusted with us, if only we didn’t have some inexplicable problem in perception, we wouldn’t take things the wrong way, if only we weren’t so inadequate—we wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt, that he is sincere, that he is the same way with everyone and they don’t make him mad, so there must be something wrong with us, like he was always saying “this is what I’m talking about ..I just want to be happy — I don’t see us being happy -you make me do this, you make me drink, you’re going to make me drink, you, you, you are the problem”,

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Bigamy is Definatley Considered Abuse

Maybe they don't call you names, or hit you, or put you down, but they are keeping a huge secret from you. They are liars and frauds and even if they don't overtly "abuse" their targets, their whole relationship with their target is deceptive. It is shattering to find out that everything you thought about your husband is based on lies--the life you were building, the intimacy, the sacredness of marriage. Read about the pain on Sandra's blog, Fighting Bigamy, and you will know they are hard-core abusers (she calls them emotional vampires!):

Not only do bigamists dish out emotional abuse to targets (victims), but they ruin people financially as well. Marriage is a legal contract, and bigamy is fraud. It is a felony in all but thirteen states. ..........Bigamists wreak havoc on the lives they touch, not only emotionally but also financially. And, in my opinion many bigamists are psychopaths (sociopath) con men who prey on trusting, kind women and men.
On a related note: visits to our site have more than tripled
since the Dr. Phil show. We want to post more stories and begin women on the road to realizing "You are not a victim, you are a target." At we believe that you can learn NOT to be anyone's target again. Yes, we want each of us to tell and make the abusers responsible for their own behavior, but more importantly we want YOU to learn how not to let it happen in the first place. Get the tutorial--start practicing empowerment behavior!

Friday, December 9, 2005

An Abuser We Talked About, Arrested!!!

Just so you know Sandra's ABUSER (Ed Hicks - Psychopath, Bigamist, Legend in his own Mind) was arrested today.

Go to the blog CyerPaths for details. Justice can be had - if you TELL TELL TELL.

Also - SEE HOLLY'S IMPACT STATEMENT and read a quote from her given in 1998 about TELLING!! It's a keeper!!

Fight For Justice

* Silence is the ultimate killer in the end. You need to tell someone if you want a healthy life and want to trust men again. *

Monday, December 5, 2005

Christmas Super Saver, only 3 days left on Abuse Gifts

Looking for the perfect gift? Refuse to be Abused and get the gifts to proclaim it! If you haven't seen our gift kiosk, please look at the selected items. You'l love them.

Our tags read:
  • You are a Target, Not A Victim: Stop Domestic Abuse Now!
  • Target Domestic Abuse, NOT me!
  • Walking on Eggshells is for the Birds. Refuse to be Abused.
These tags come on tees, pillows, mousepads, mugs, totes, and cards. Order for all your lady friends and help keep our free tutorial up. For the next three days, there is free super saver shipping for any orders over $50. Take advange and make your friend smile at their own new life.

Cards $6.99
Pillow $17

Is it Legal to Expose Them?

We liked the article so much, we got permission to add it to our articles. If you haven't read this yet, it is very provocative and worth your time! Is it Legal?

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Is it Legal to Expose them?

Our friend over at Blogcritic, Fighter, has written a terrific article about the legality of exposing the secrets and abusers online. She writes:
Be careful, the law regarding internet communications is still new so ask yourself: are you exposing them to be mean or get revenge? Or are you doing it to warn others and possibly stop the cyberpath from destroying themselves and their families? Are you being vindictive or shedding real light on the situation? When you point the finger at someone there are always three fingers pointing back at you. Your stories may help some potential victim see the patterns of behavior displayed by these people and avoid a lot of heartache. They may be cathartic as well.
I don't perosnally give a rats ass if we are doing it to be mean or revengeful--I have no illusions that I wanted to strike out at Bob Bowman and hurt him for what he did, and then would not admit! My whole manrriage was taken down with his addiction to sex and flashing himself and he didn't want to change. So do I care that I lashed out? I think this did me good and may end up helping him out of his denial!
Check out the article: Is it Legal?

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Dr. Phil Date changes

As many of you already know, Julie Flint-Hicks and Sandra Phipps-Hicks taped the Dr. Phil show in October. The Ed Hicks expose, originally scheduled for 12 December, will air on Dr. Phil Monday, 5 December; you can check local listing for the time
and channel at: (For metro DC viewers, Dr. Phil is on
Channel 4 at 3 PM.)

And you can read the latest article on (Psychopaths/Sociopaths
Turn Love into Fraud) at:

Sandra Phipps-Hicks

Be sure to come here and lets blog about it after the show!!!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Excerpts from The Art of Seduction

These are excerpts from the book THE ART OF SEDUCTION by Robert Greene. Many of these seduction techniques are time-tested and often used in sales & marketing as well as the training of Neuro-Linguistic Programming for salesmen and advertising persons. For anyone who thinks those "seduce women now" sites are total b.s. - think again.

It's another blog--check out the article.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wow, One of our contributors on Dr. Phil!

Sandra Phipps, who is Fighting Bigamy and Julie (wife #6 to Ed Hicks) will will be broadcast on Monday, 12 December. Be sure to watch!. Sandra did a nine hour taping today at her home, and a part of that was where she showed them her story on our site!

Read about her story BEFORE you see the Dr. Phil show here:
Psycho Bigamist: A legend in his own mind
This is a courageous Woman, bringing her situation to the courts.

We are having almost 50 visits a day at the site now. The Tutorial is helping a lot of people (including men) to get out of the victim role. Have you signed up for it yet?

We will be having a blogging discussion on the program from Dr. Phil beginning Monday Dec 12--Don't forget to come here and blog after the show!

Friday, November 11, 2005

NEW! Con Man Story and Abuse Poem

We've been getting a lot of submissions lately for stories. Will get them up as I have time. Here are the two latest:
Goodbye: A poem by Jennifer written on the night she left.

Pen Pal Psycho: In spite of some red flags here and there, she was blind). Here is Alexandrea's story from Portegal
Our hits per day have gone up dramtically. Many many women and a few guys have requested the tutorial. The ones who stick with it are reporting dramatic changes in their outlook on their relationships. Some choose to leave, but many are learning to make their relationships work--they learned to stop the abuse and had a spouse tht didn't look for sicker pasturers!

Why so some people not do the lessons in the turtorial? Well some are still pretty angry and they want to blame and get revenge . They are not yet ready to take repsonibility what what they allow to happen to them. Others are so into the pattern that it scares them to think of stopping. Still others are afraid to "rock the boat" for many reasons--they still are not ready. What about you? Or those you care about. Are they ready?

Friday, November 4, 2005

Love is Not Abuse

Wow--what a great site. Their messages are right to the point. Lots of it is geared to "teens" but hey, aren't we all emotionally immature when we allow ourselves to be abused? There is plenty for guys too! Here is one part that answers "Why? Why do we stay..."
A guy doesnt usually start hitting his girlfriend out of the blue — it generally starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse; cutting her down, telling her she's fat or ugly, chipping away at her sense of self worth. Typically, by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. When she doesn't value herself, it is more likely that she'll accept and put up with the physical abuse. Once her self-esteem has been broken down, it can be even harder for her to leave the relationship.

The site has suggested action steps and focus's on educating yourself and respecting yourself. Sound Familiar? Great site--take a look.

Friday, September 30, 2005

See these Ladie's New blog

You have to check this out--a new blog from some dedicated women!

What are the dedicated to? YOUR safty and happiness.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Alcohol and Abuse

We sometimes forget how very prevelant alcohol and drugs are in domestic and partner abuse. It might be responsible for more than 75% of men and women doing the "power-over" thing on each other.

In the

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

A Big Thank You from a fellow Blogger

On September 10, 2005 the blogspot for the got it's 20,000th hit. We are glad to know that so many are receiving help. the host of thata site has been a tremendous support to us here at Take a look at her site and see why so many visit her. Her thanks to us and to her abusers is located on post Step 13.

I even want to say thank you to my abusers - who forced me to look for ways keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Two New Stories on Targtet Site

Don't miss our new stories. They may really help you identify and are both good reads!

Web of True Love or Web of True Lies?
I wasn't random like many internet predator abusers - I was TARGETED!- by someone I had known for over 25 years. from New York City

My Psychopath Bigamist, A Legend in His Own Mind This is a courageous Woman, bringing her situation to the courts. from Alexandria, VA

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Are girl kids that dangerous?

You ever wonder how abusing women gets started in the mind of boys--try this on for size from Fred's Column.

“An 11-year-old girl who threw a stone at a group of boys pelting her with water balloons is being prosecuted on serious assault charges in California. Maribel Cuevas was arrested in April in a police operation which involved three police cars and a helicopter.” *
He goes onto write:
We are a nation frightened of our daughters of eleven? Are girl kids that dangerous? Does any other country, anywhere, fear its daughters? Give me a break.

Plese let us know what you think of a dangerous girl like Maribel.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

What can we learn from Batman?

Just saw Batman Begins... and I won't give anything away but one line really stuck in my heart: "It's not the man underneath that defines him, it's his actions on the surface."

I always thought my ex had the best heart, he just never acted upon it...
Why did THAT line bring tears to my eyes... and why do I feel like I let HIM down???

I read this on a post at does this get to the heart of it! I haven't seen Batman and now I will, just for that one line. I always said Bob Bowman, my ex, was a really good guy and wanted to be a good husband but just didn't know how. That would drive my Mom crazy because she said if he wanted to be a good husband, he would.

But the saying, actions speak louder than words, HAS to be incorporated into how we relate to our partners. What do you think?

Friday, June 17, 2005

Emotional Abuse is Moral Abuse

This is by far the best article on abuse I have ever read!!!!
Moral abuse is abuse of one’s character. It convinces the victim that she is immoral or guilty of known and unknown crimes. The abuser convinces her that she is innately selfish and does not deserve to be well treated by him. The way in which this is done is by continually using every opportunity to fill the wife with guilt.

First he makes a demand. Second, she offers some resistance. Third, he puts pressure. If he continues to meet with resistance, he makes threats. Shedozenn’t want to lose him. So the fifth stage is her compliance. And finally, this cycle repeats itself over and over, because it works!
The writer mentions the "invisible wounds " of emotional/verbal abuse, tells us why women stay, and also is very clear that once a woman knows it is not her fault and stands up for herself--the abuse has to stop or they seperate. READ this article if you read nothing else about emotional abuse.

Wife Abuse - Part Two, by Garda Ghista

Victim correction and victim blaming

Found a very interesting site. Strange, when we, at feel that the word "victim" should not even be used with verbal/emotional abuse, the victimcorrection site sees self-help groups who tell a person to take care of themsevles and stop trying to get others to take care of them, as blaming the victim. They call it Victim Correction and say this attitude is responsible for depression and all manner of illness. victimcorrection tells others they ARE a victim--This whole site is dedicated to bashing self-help and psychologists because they won't feel sorry for the so-called victims of alcoholics, sex addicts, gamblers, and so on.... I guess they think we are supposed to "kill" everyone who doesn't act they way we think they should--
Victim correction as a panacea is basically victim-blaming followed by, “These victims, or those in similar situations, will benefit if, instead of doing what seems so blameworthy, they reacted pragmatically as follows…,” whether the situation is ordinary or grave, which is all that the Serenity Prayer has to offer. This self-blame among the suffering is so characteristic of the modern West that it’s to be expected both among modern Western adult children of alcoholics depressed or not, and modern Westerners suffering from clinical depression.
The webmaster also writes:
Only in some situations, to varying degrees, does the Serenity Prayer become the Barbarity Prayer, and does serene acceptance mean in the words of Shakespeare, “like patience on a monument smiling at grief,” but in those situatiun varyingyingly, the response-ability goes absolutely to the person whose welfare is at stake.
I find it so strange--yes the response-ability does go to the person whose welfare is at stake--THAT IS THE POINT! If your welfare is at stake--you must do something about the situation--You are not a victim unless you chose to be, but in the interest of openminedness, you might want to take a look at this site--some parts are incoherent but you get the jest. This person hates 'self-help' for telling people to take care of themselves (especially hateful to Al-Anon) At, we see few groups or professinals telling abused women to take respibility for themselves and this person sees everyone telling them that! Perceptions, what a kick!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Controlling caregiving: A contradiction?

This is one of my favorite parts of Dr. Irene's site on Verbal Abuse. I know I am co-dependent and I have to say that at times, within certain relationships, I have most definitely also been a controlling co-dependent. I still see signs of that in me when around certain people that I want to have "more" with, but don' t seem to want what I want. In my never-ending self-psychoanalyis, I've revisted this text recently to re-educate myself on what NOT do do.

From Dr. Irene's site. Link to full text provided.
Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that shirt belongs to -. you...)

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic and sense their partner's needs.
These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do; things you may not even want them to do.

They want to please you to show you how much they care.

The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try, too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about it!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

17 Signs of a Bad Boyfriend

The last four signs of a bad boyfriend are classic signs of an abuser:
  1. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
  2. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
  3. If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't (fill in the blank)," that's another sign of an abuser.
  4. And if he's mean to children, pets, or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.

Monday, June 6, 2005

Does the Bible Abuse Women?

One of our supporters sent us a link to Holly's blog today. Here Holly quotes some passages from the work of: Dee L. R. Graham - New York University Press, 1994. The work is incredibly hateful to males, but it's difficult to dismiss because there are seeds of truth in many of the accusations. However, the research is dated and the new things we have learned about men, battering, and verbal abuse have not been explored in this monologue. does not advocate hating men or "getting" even with the abusive people in our lives. It advocates respecting ourselves and our choices and taking responsibility for those choices. People will only abuse you verbally to the extent that you allow it.

That being said, Dee Graham did bring up the Bible-
Do the Biblical texts of terror {...} function as verbal abuse (to women)?
An interesting article by Sue Bohlin: 5 Lies the Church Tells Women, attempts to answer this
A comprehensive study on domestic violence in the church in the mid 80's revealed that 26 percent of the pastors counseled an abused wife to keep submitting and trust that God would either stop the abuse or give her the strength to endure it. About a fourth of the pastors believed that abuse is the wife's fault because of her lack of submission! And a majority of the pastors said it is better for wives to endure violence against them than to seek a separation that might end in divorce.
It is often Paul who gets quoted to persuade people that the bible states women are inferior and to be submissive to your husband, but this site says that it is taken out of context:
Paul writes that "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). This may seem like a universal principle. But he says in the verse immediately preceding, "Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ" (5:21). The same verb is used. One cannot validly make verse 22 into a universal principle without searching out how it relates to the entire passage.
And finally, I am not an atheist but they do have ways of getting us to think. At this site, Holy Bible Quotations, List a lot (200) quotes that abuse women and children!!!!! Check it out. Then, Did you think you know your Bible? I took this Bible Quiz and was shocked!!!! I got a pretty good score but never-the-less, a few of these facts were never even on my radar--I guarantee that you don't know as much as you think you do!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Verbal Abuse Requires a Partner!

From a new support site (to me!) about Borderline Personality, we find excellent discussions on how BPDers abuse their partners. But the great thing is, this is one of the few sites that understand the Miracle Principle!

verbal abuse, unlike other kinds of abuse, requires a participating partner, a living human being to play the victim role. When you fill that role you're rewarding the verbal abuser's behavior; the longer you keep that up, the stronger the habit will become. Finally, you need to understand that most chronic verbal abusers aren't sadistic monsters whose goal is to cause pain -- instead, they do verbal abuse to satisfy their need for human attention. They cause pain because they've learned that pain will _get_ attention; it's not their purpose. That doesn't excuse what they do, but it's important for it to be understood.
Verbal abuse, unlike any other kind of abuse, cannot be done alone. The verbal abuser's need is to get and hold the victim's attention, along with the emotional reactions that are evidence of the power to do so. That requires the victim's participation and it means that the targets of verbal abuse aren't helpless -- there are things they can do to defend themselves. This isn't "blaming the victim," it's _empowering_ the victim. Second: You can't help alcoholics by giving them drinks, but you can help verbal abusers by giving them attention.

Go to this wonderful site and read FAQ number 5, 6, & 12 to see what I mean.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Heal the Sex Addicts that Abuse their Wives

One of our sites suppoer's (who wants to remain anonymous) has sent in another terrific aritcle--Dr. Cline works with SAs and realtes how they destroy marriages, how secrets kill love and relationships, but best of all, he describes his paln for working with them and saving marriages.

[Editor's note: In this article, Dr. Cline describes strategies that he has found useful in treating sexual addicts, particularly those addicted to pornography, and that might be helpful to other professionals counseling sexual addicts. Others interested in the nature of sexual addiction may also find it informative.]

Dr. Cline writes:
A frequent side effect is that their capacity to love is also dramatically reduced (e.g. it results in a marked dissociation of sex from friendship, affection, caring and other normal healthy emotions and traits which help marital relationships). This sexual side becomes, in a sense, dehumanized. Many of them develop also an "alien ego state" (or dark side), whose core is antisocial lust devoid of most values. Raw id, in a sense. In time, the "high" obtained from masturbating to pornography becomes more important than real life relationships.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

You can stop your friends from being abused

From See it--where you learn to recognize abuse--the abuser and the target, to what exactly to do and say to the abuser to make it stop, to organizing your community or school to address abuse.

What I really like about this site is the examples. They give you examples of the excuses an abuser might make when confronted and give you the exact retort! Check it out See it and Stop it.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Men have a hard time telling on themselves

Somebody you know (and probably like) abuses. Maybe your spouse/partner does. Maybe you do. On this site, Blaine Nelson reaches out to help women of abuse, men of abuse and relates his own struggle to overcome it and live a healthier life. To his credit, he allows his target to tell her story uncensored. Interestingly, his wife was able to describe the actual abuse and how she allowed herself to be intimidated and subjugated to his controlling ways. She was able to describe her fear and how she worked past the fear to gain the courage to break free.

Blaine wasn't able to describe even one abusive act on his part--only able to generally describe that he was. He is doing a lot to help others but on this site, is unable to let us see his abusive self-- I'm glad he's doing what he is to right the wrongs, but actually admitting what he did would go a lot further for me. Take a look at this interesting abuse site. It tells how this couple moved past it and it wasn't by staying together.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Amazing Public Verbal Abuse

From a recent article by Stefanie Scarlett in The Journal Gazette in Fort Wayne.

We’ve all heard them: the couple who scream obscenities at each other in public, the overzealous parent who berates a child for failing to catch the ball during the big game.

The Center for Nonviolence in Fort Wayne defines violence as “any words or actions that hurt and control another, cause fear or make someone feel belittled or weak and powerless,” coordinator John Beams says.

It can take the form of blaming, criticizing, humiliating, name-calling, threatening or trivializing someone else as a way to gain control or exert power.

One of the more stunning media examples of verbal abuse came from Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller, a married couple who appeared on “The Amazing Race 6” this year and shocked other racers and fans with their ongoing and intense bickering. In the eyes of many viewers, Baker berated and blamed his wife for every problem they encountered, which left Fuller in tears more than once.

After the race, they were chastised on prime-time television by no less than Dr. Phil. The couple has said “The Amazing Race” didn’t portray their relationship accurately, that things weren’t nearly as bad as they seemed and that they were affected by the stress of competition.

They are still together – and are filming a reality show based on their post-“Race” experiences. Some might say it’s yet another example of undeserving people being rewarded for their bad behavior.

Of course, many of us will watch. Full story at

Monday, April 11, 2005

Secret Keepers in the news

Did you hear about the Boy Scout executive who pleaded guilty to child porn? That's right, Mr. Douglas Sovereign Smith Jr. of Forth Worth, TX was chairman of the Boy Scouts' Youth Protection task force. That was his "shiny" identity. His "slimy" identity, as reported March 31, included his use of a computer to receive, store and distribute images of child pornography involving boys under the age of 12. Did you hear about Jane Fonda's new book, My Life So Far? In it she describes keeping secret her decades-long struggle with bulimia. "My husbands never knew, nor did my children or any of my friends and colleagues." These are just two of the thousands of high-functioning folks whose double lives caused them, and loved ones, anguish and harm. Fortunately, they are in recovery, as I myself am from the same secret-keepingSM syndrome. I can help if you, or someone you know, has similar issues. Blog your thoughts here, and remain as anonymous as you wish. You can also reach me through this site or read my book, Stolen Hours: Breaking Free From Secret Addictions.

Abusers are Basically bullies

Found a great site! It appears that bullies on the play ground and bullies in a relationship are about the same thing! They explain that bullying is:
-VERBAL (name-calling)
-PHYSICAL (punching, pushing)
-RELATIONAL (leaving someone out of a game or group on purpose)

-EXTORTION (stealing someone's money or toys)
-CYBERBULLYING (using computers, the Internet, mobile phones, etc. to

And they explain that teachers seldom see the bullying! Doesn't that sound like your relationship? Relationship abuse is seldom done where others can witness. in the FAQ they say to the question, why me?

First, you need to know that you are NOT alone in being bullied. You need to know that being bullied is NOT YOUR FAULT. You also need to know that there are many positive things that you can do about bullying.

People who bully might tell you things like "You're stupid and ugly" or other bad things. They might try to hurt and control you by telling you that your hair or skin colour, size, sex, race, religion and other things are bad. Don't believe bullies.

If we can teach kids on the playground how to stop bullies--we can teach ourselves how to stop the grown-up bullies in our lives.

Saturday, April 9, 2005

Did you know that you are prey?

The call us "victims"! They are looking for "targets!" Did you know that you are considered prey? Know the abuser's methods, know their sickness, know their need to find and control you! Only with this knowledge will you be able to keep your boundaries and keep them away. Stop the abuse before it starts, know who has targeted you and how they do it! Here is a quote from Greens new book.
Everything depends on the target of your seduction. Study your prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances), or can easily be made so-for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce.

This site also tells how to use your spiritual values against you!!!! Besides many other degrading and demoralizing strategies, this evil man advises others to use spiritual lures on you:
Play up your divine qualities; affect an air of discontent with worldly things; speak of the stars, destiny, the hidden threads that unite you and the object of the seduction. Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited. Deepen the effect of your seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the spiritual union of two souls.
Go visit his site and find out why and how you are prey at seducers world!

Friday, April 8, 2005

Great Article On Emotional Abuse

Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C has written a great article on emotional abuse that anyone interested in this subject ought to take a look at.

Just what is emotional abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It's sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser experiences your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be.... as the enemy.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong

By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP

Roger has a great article that anyone interested in abuse should read. Here it sounds as if he is describing my ex, Bob Bowman. God, are they made from cookie cutters???
He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again,

Check out his Articles here.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Site reprints Article from You Are A Target

I want to thank this abuse site for finding our article of interest and reprinting it.

She has a lot of useful information, a little hard to download for dial-ups but worth waiting for.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Schiavo Abuse Allegations

I am the first person to say, "NO MORE ABUSE" and make people be responsible for actions they have taken--but I think we should use caution when going after people for something that may or may not have occurred over 15 years ago. People are jumping to conclusions and have "proof" that is heresy and slanted--there are two sides and I think we should temper ourselves and not jump to conclusions.

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Prior Schiavo Abuse Allegations Covered Up By AG Crist: This is from "Blogs for Terri"--which is definitely attacking big time, anybody and every body who doesn't agree with their opinion. Sad.

Then there are those trying to defend from these horrific attacks. "State officials received 89 abuse complaints about Terri Schiavo in previous years and none were found to be credible, her husband's lawyer said Friday." This is from the Tampa Bay Times.

Is this a conflicting story or what?

Monday, March 21, 2005

I'm here for you

All of us keep a secret now and then, but at least one out of fifteen people is a chronic Secret Keeper. Are you someone whose secrets have power over you? Do they make you misbehave, become sick, or violate others? People plagued by unhealthy secret-keeping habits “steal hours” away from their public lives to act out their secret behaviors or passions—sometimes for decades—but rarely get found out.

Many are everyday folks. Your next-door neighbor. The shopper ahead of you in the supermarket line. The driver beside you on the freeway. Or maybe you—or someone you love.

Don't think I'm passing judgment. I speak from both my personal recovery experience based on my own 40-year history and my professional knowledge as a licensed chemical health counselor. Check out my book, Stolen Hours, written to help persons suffering from self-defeating behaviors such as alcohol/drug abuse, compulsive gambling, sexual addictions, and eating disorders.

Let me hear from you. I want to "be here" for you. John Prin

Saturday, March 19, 2005

South African Ads Aid Consciousness to Abuse Partners

"To call attention to its new Fall line, the Young Designers Emporium of South Africa has a new poster ad campaign in its shop windows. The "Brand Spanking New Fashions" posters feature models in their underwear sporting red marks on their thighs to imply they've been spanked with a paddle. The Law Society of South Africa has...." See the pictures and Read More on This is True

Until we stop seeing abusive acts such as sSpanking etc as the norm, or take it so lightly as to use it to promote the sale of underwear--how can we tell women that its NOT OK?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

When Silence is Not Golden

An abused woman and her six children suffered a living hell for 17 years at the hands of their husband/father. It wasn't until she decided to break away from his isolating tactics by venturing out of the home and speaking to church members that their nightmare finally ended.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Men are Targets too!

It's not just women that experience abuse in relationships. Here's a site that supports men in this. Domestic abuse Helpline for Men

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is not and can not simply be defined as a social problem of "men beating on women." Men, women and children in heterosexual and same sex abusive relationships are affected.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Good Abuse Discussion on Lifetime

I just found a great discussion on the Lifetime boards--if you need to "talk" it out with other people who have been abused, this looks like a great place! Life Discussion on Abuse

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Defining Abuse

From the Women's Health Network: Domestic violence is a term used to describe violence and abuse by family members or intimate partners such as a spouse, former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, or date. Other terms used for domestic violence include ... Good site to bookmark.

however, we know that all domestic violence is preceded by domestic abuse, often professionals don't clearly define the distinction. In Abuse situations, one is in a position to try and change things, in a violence situation, the rules have changed and we should use different approaches. So we added a section to distinguish battened two, look it over. Defining Abuse

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Detachment: Neither Kind nor Unkind

There are some important principles we can learn from members of Al-Anon, not the least of which is detachment. Al-Anon men and women have learned to live with nasty vile drunks, as self-ish and self-serving as any abuser. In fact, many abusers also suffer from related disorders such as alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and sex addiction. So it is no surprise to find that we can learn a lot about living with an abuser from these spouses. They are considered blackbelts at dealing with abuse in their relationships.

Detachment is one way we can learn to respect and focus on ourselves and not the one using us as a target of their selfserving and critical ways. As Al-Anon literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

You can read the article in Buddy Ts site. And soon we will have a handout or article about it on theTarget site. Any contributions? Send a comment.

Saturday, March 5, 2005

Revenge best served

This is funny, Revenge is best served piping hot.... It's got a twist ending. We mention revenge a lot on the Target site. Revenge can be a good thng. A bad thing. and A funny thing.

Warning Labels on Marriage Licenses

I would love Washington to put warning lables on marriage Licenses--all states, in fact. It is not mandatory to "Love and Honor" an asshole. If we knew in our hearts that marriage is not a license for one person to badly treat another, we would not so eaisly accept abuse. We might stick up for ourselves and demand respect. Here's what's happening in Washington according to This is True by Randy Cassinghom.

"The State of Washington wants to put warning labels on newlyweds. Not literally, but the state Senate passed a bill requiring that marriage licenses carry the disclaimer that “The laws of this state affirm your right to enter into marriage and at the same time to live within the marriage free from violence and abuse.” To become law, the bill must also pass the state House of Representatives, but it has no sponsor there. (AP) ...That’s because in Washington, a law doesn’t apply to someone unless you pass a law saying it does."

Any thoughts?

Monday, February 21, 2005

Show, "Medium" demonstrates first class Marriage

Tim Goodman has written a scathing review of the new hit show "Medium." I have to agree that the first few episodes were lacking in sheer 'Hollywood' pizzas but the story has gained some followers and I am among them.

What I LIKE about this show more then the psychic stuff (which is intriguing) is her great relationship with her husband. WOW! Would I ever like to find that guy. Hollywood would do all of this country a favor by giving us more good examples like this marriage. It is a healthy balance. It's not 'Leave it to Beaver' bullshit nor is it the torrid passions (always evil and immoral) of the soap operas or sopranos. Its a healthy balanced marriage with all the problems any two have living together.

Cindy Pearlman of the Calgary Sun has a better grip on why this show is so special.

  • The series casts Arquette, 36, as DuBois, a housewife whose scientist husband (Jake Weber) sends descriptions of his wife's visions to law-enforcement. Initially dubious, they are soon convinced and hire her to help solve murder cases, and also to fill in the blanks in missing-persons cases. Arquette insists the heart of the show is dubious' home life with her husband and children.
Once of the ways to break domestic abuse is to give guys something to watch that doesn't make "macho" marvelous.Give us something that shows a caring man, watching the kids and making room for his wife's life without the "showing her who is boss" stuff. It's good for women to see this too. What do you think?

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Less Provocative Pic up/Green River Killer

OK Mom, I took down the one that had the bare shoulders and put up just my face. Now no one can "imagine" that I am naked!

By the way, did you see "Reeling in the Killer" about the Green River Killer on 28th on Dateline? I bet you missed the most significant part in relation to stopping abuse NOW in your life, didn't you? Gary Ridgeway's second wife was choked by Gary from behind at one time. She was not a co-dependent or caught in the cycle of abuse because she did not keep his secret! She told her Dad, mom and friends that her husband had tried to kill her. Guess what? Years later when caught by the police, he told them that he indeed wanted to kill Marcia, his second wife. There was only one reason he did not stage her death, he explained. Because she told so many people, he deduced they would suspect that him and he might get caught. Wow. Telling the "secret" saved Marcia's life. Will it save yours?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Deepak Chopra’s 9 Principle's of Conflict Resolution

These are from Deepak and are worth reading because they can be applied to a relationship too.

9 Principles for Conflict Resolution and Peace Negotiations as follows:

1. Agree that you will treat each other respectfully.

2. Recognize each side feels victimized by a sense of injustice.

3. Be ready to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

4. Refrain from belligerence.

5. Practice emotional intelligence.

6. Recognize that the other side may have values different

from yours or foreign to you.

7. Don't make the other side appear wrong.

8. Refrain from bringing in discussions about ideology.

9. Recognize fear as a factor on both sides.

I think we can apply this to our relationships too. However, abuse is never a conflict to be worked out in a relationship. Abuse is to be stopped, period. A conflict is when two people disagree and work on a mutually satisfying solution--abuse is not a disagreement--it is a violation of your rights. Go to our main site to learn how to stop it!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Warning Signs from Peaceful/Catholic look at Abusers

I love it when young people 'get it' years before we do. Wish I had known this at her age. Peaceful gives us a list of warning signs signs. If your boyfriend does any of these things, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Thank you peaceful. You stand a chance of enjoying the rest of your life.

Telling on the verbal abuser is an act of MERCY!

"the verbal harassment also damages the verbal abuser. Interestingly enough, Catholic teaching views wrong or evil acts as being even more damaging to the perpetrator than to the victim because the agent of a bad act is damaging his own moral nature and character (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1731, on the effect of our free acts). The victim is not making himself a bad person--he is suffering as an innocent party, just as Christ did. The verbal abuser, on the other hand, is making himself into a worse person every time he launches an attack on another's person, reputation, or life work. So to draw attention to the problem is a favor to the verbal abuser. In the language of the Church, drawing his attention to the problem is an act of mercy." This web log contains analysis on current Catholic issues by Oswald Sobrino, J.D., M.A.,

I love what he says!!!! Bravo Oswald.

Do sticks walk? A blog by grammajan

I found a blog by grammajan. What a gem. Jan doesn't mention any abuse issues, but she does write vignettes that reach inside and tweak one's vision giving the reader new perspecptive. Her work makes my spirit smile. Read about Maya--her daughter. (Do I relate, I named my girl "Karma.") and my personal favorite "Walking Sticks."

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Young Man Thinks I'm too provocative!

Just received a comment on my blog from a young man and it's making me think about a few things. He wrote: i must be very honest with you and say that the picture you have is a bit provocative for guys. I attend 12 step groups that help me with that specific problem, so the pic was kind of a shock for me... Hit me up if you ever change it so i can get to reading your material without being tempted to browse other sites...

Since this is a blog on abuse and I definately don't want to be abusive--I went to Dr. Carnes site to see if they explored us "provoking" sex addicts. They don't. I wonder if this is real? My picture (remember I'm 56), I felt was just really nice. I didn't put a laughing one up becasue this is a somber subject--domestic abuse. My main site Day By Day, is where my smiling pic is.
Smiling Pic

Is this like a rapist blaming the rape on the woman becasue she was

wearing provokative clothes? Like short shorts? Or am I truly

"enticing" young men. If I had a pic of me drinking a beer would that

be a trigger I should take down becasue of alcoholics, or eating a

donut--would that be abusive to the people from OA?

What do you think?

Friday, January 21, 2005

You want to know why we freak out to stay young looking?

My first husband emailed today. (I like his emails, they are always sweet and supportive). He asked me if I had had any "work done"--meaning cosmetically because I look a little different than I did 25 years ago. (Really?) He said I looked young. Well you bet your sweet bippy I've had work done, just as much as I can afford without causing myself to look like I've been caught in a wind tunnel.

I was at a 12-step meeting yesterday and mentioned this very thing. A woman at a Vegas meeting cried last week about aging. People weren't relating to her the way they did when she was younger. I hugged her after the meeting. We are sisters. I would give anything, I told the group, to 'accept' the swarm of wrinkles bubbling under and around my checks and eyes. I would love to find the emerging turkey neck a sign of maturity like all the old male newscasters have done. I would give anything to consider my Andy Rooney eyebrows as added character, stop weeding them daily, and just grow old gracefully.Rooney Yes I would, but the men in my life won't let me.
They say, "I love you just the way you are" and then fuck the babysitter.

You know why I can't revere this "new and wiser" aging me? You wonder why we cry in our self-help groups and lament the loss of our 20s 30s and even 40s--
because of you guys, that's why. It's because we find you beating off to pictures of 12 and 14 year olds in front of your computer. It's because you admire Donald Trump for marrying a women 24 years his Junior tomorrow.

I tried the online meeting your soul mate kind of thing--Sober Singles. I won't go into the long list of disabled, ptsd, misfits who contacted me (
however sweet they were, I don't want to be care-taking my soul-mate right out of the gate, thank you) but there was one who peaked my interest. We had a few good talks. Ted is 49, I'm 56. He liked my pic, I liked his. Our talks were informal, we have a lot in common, and we could banter in a fun way with each other. We wanted to meet. Then, he asked the fatal question, "How old are you?" Like the air going out of a balloon, I could hear the enthusiasm go out of his interest in me.

Don't wonder why. We want men in our lives and they want tight little bodies with long hair, little experience, and who might not notice the hash brown stains in their drawers (or make them think it doesn't matter). They want the 'short in the tooth' woman, we want them, so what do we do? We file our teeth, if we don't want to throw in the towel with those stained drawers when we do the laundry!

Thanks to Tribune Media Services for loan of Rooney pic.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Community Service for Abusers?

I found this old post from Lisa Cunningham regarding domestic abuse and love the idea of having the perpetrator paying for his behavior through community service. I don't think it will change them, but at least they are having to be repsonsible for their behavior.

She wrote: "Perhaps it would be better to consider community service orders, a fine on the offenders time, rather than monetary fines for cases of Domestic Abuse, especially those where the victim and offender have become, or are likely to become, reconciled with one another. This would ensure that only the offender pays for his or her crime, and not the victim and any dependants of the victim or offender. These simple measures might help to reduce the level of re-offending seen in Domestic Abuse cases and thus reduce the burden which these cases place on the judiciary system."

Thanks Lisa!

Better yet, why don't we stop abuse before it begins? Here clip from Coaching Boys into Men

"The boys in your life need your time and energy. Your son, grandson, nephew, younger brother. The boys you teach, coach and mentor. All need you to help them grow into healthy young men.

Here is a clip of a commerical you can listen to or link to your web. View the TV Spot by clicking here.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Bob Bowman Abuse Blog Leads to Discovery of Miracle Principle

I am beginning my first blog on December 13, 2004, for a story that began in the fall of 1996. (I know it's January but it took me this long to figure out how to post!) Fall of '96 is when I met my hero, Bob Bowman. He was the light of my life, which quickly burnt out during the honeymoon. Almost overnight, I became the target of his immense hostility (from where and why was never made clear) and I spent our brief marriage trying to bring back the hero who had courted me. The bast**d who married me was mean as the dickens--but the guy who courted me--I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with.

Comets are Comments from God

The Geminids streaked through the heavens on Dec 13 while I soaked deliciously in Mom's hot tub on the high desert, counting the flying embers as my eye caught the glowing trails. I like to think of comets as comments from my Higher Power. You know, you have a thought, a comet streaks through the heavens, God seems to be conferring with you.

I decided to count to 5 and call it a night. They were so pretty, I upped it to 10. Number 10 was so flashy and long-tailed that I decided to stay for 15. But 16 was a power ball that convinced me to stay for 25. Then comet number 22 burst through the darkness and took my breath away. It was a flaming green and yellow undulating dragon's eye, the likes of which I have never seen before. Christ, what if I had left at 5? Or 10? Or 15? I would have missed Divine Comment number 22, wouldn't I? I sat in the tub until my toes resembled bleached prunes, but no more 22s or even 16s appeared that night.

Being committed to an Abuser is like hoping for Comet 22

Every once in a while Bob would do something so magnanimous, that I could not drag myself away from the 'marriage dream.' All his hostility and down-right ugliness paled in the light of his Comet 22 behavior. It was rare for him to be really nice, nurturing, or attentive but when he did, it hooked me. Like hoping to see Comet 22, I always hoped for my hero to return to the marriage.

Yes, I'm writing a book. Began a self-help web site for abused ladies. Visit the website--join me on a journey of change and choice--let me introduce you to the secret I discovered about domestic abuse. It's called The Miracle Principle and once you understand this principle, a miracle will occur in your life and you will never have to be abused again.