Friday, February 15, 2013

The First Step to Ending the Bullying Crisis | Articles

The First Step to Ending the Bullying Crisis | Articles: "Life is not Heaven. We all know the pain of being victimized. In fact, the place we are most likely to be intimately familiar with this pain is not in school or at work but at home, within the family. It is also human nature to blame others for our misery, to see ourselves as the good guys and them as the bad guys who need to change. So we readily sympathize with victims and want the government to eradicate bullies from society. At long last we have a school of psychology that validates our primitive beliefs that others are indeed to blame for our misery and that it’s society’s responsibility to make them change. (We conveniently fail to consider that this same psychology encourages others to call us bullies and to blame us for their misery.) Because we desperately want the research to confirm the success of this psychology, we develop amnesia for scientific standards and fail to subject the bullying studies to rigorous criticism. As long as the researchers incorporate appropriate control groups and correctly apply complex mathematical formulas to their data, the assumptions and conclusions they present are likely to be accepted by the peer-reviewers, who like the assumptions and conclusions."

Izzy is the BEST persona there is to discover what bullying is all about and what we can do about it. Abusers are bullies. They may start in their childhood on the playgrounds or they may start in their marriage when they try to get their spouse to "behave" but in any case, when we let them get away with bullying us, we become a part of the problem. Izzy points out how it is seductive to want to blame others--his principles are for kids, not meant for verbal abuse--or is it? you decide--his stuff is GREAT and yes, it applies to your relationship.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages

80% seems pretty high to me, but then this is an Irish statistic so maybe it is less for us in the US. Maybe Not. I suffered verbal and emotional abuse in each of my marriages (first 18 months 2nd less than 3 years, 3rd less than 4 years). I kept trying, but the point was that I did not "get it" that I trained them to abuse me! YES I did. How? I kept thinking that if I could make them understand how I loved them, if I could be kind enough and loving enough and sweet enough that they would "get it" about me and how much I loved them.

Yeah right. What happened is that when they were mean and ugly, I got sweeter and kinder! What did they get? that when they acted badly, I responded and was really nice to them. I have to take responsibility for what I allowed them to become.

Here's the story from Ireland--see what you think--is 80% realistic?

Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages | Irish Examiner: "Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Verbal abuse, anxiety, and stress led to problems in almost 80% of marriages last year while reports of physical violence have decreased, figures show."

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Monday, February 11, 2013

When is verbal abuse illegal in America?

So Yahoo has this poll going to see who gave the best answer to "When if verbal abuse illegal in America?" I am a staunch believer in the first Amendment so it would take a LOT to get me to say someone's words should be illegal! Maybe real world threats--sex talk to children--yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theater. France passed laws already that make verbal and emotional abuse illegal...nice try France, how's that working out for you?

I know that things do vary by sate. For instance, when my ex destroyed half our living room, I wanted to make him responsible for destruction of property. I called the police only to find out that in Virginia, you are allowed to destroy what you own--even jointly so no consequences. However, a friend of mine, Jim Porter, who owned a treatment center in Colorado said that it was not legal there to destroy property--especially when intimidating a partner--you could go to jail for that.

Since I believe that we should NOT keep secrets and that our partners should take responsibility for their behavior, having the legal system involved can be a good tool for forcing partners to face their own behavior.

But its a state law thing. You gotta use your own judgement...

So, what do you think? See this Yahoo posting a week ago and take the poll...

When is verbal abuse illegal in America? - Yahoo! Answers: "When is verbal abuse illegal in America?
so is there anything you can say to someone that will get you arrested. say they provoke a fight with words is there anything you can do to legally defend yourself? what if someone spits on you? is that illegal?"

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