Saturday, December 27, 2008

There is all types of abuse - THE DIVA WITHIN

Great discussion here in this blog discussion. they discuss what type of abuse if the worst--now what I would like to see is what rationalizations we tell ourselves to allow the abuse in the first place!

There is all types of abuse - THE DIVA WITHIN: "While all forms of abuse are horrid for the person subjected to them I personally believe that Emotional Abuse is the worst. There are no physical signs letting those closest to you know 100% for sure that something is wrong. Emotional abuse doesn't leave visible scars and often is much harder to over come than Sexual or Physical Abuse.

Emotional abuse attacks to heart and sole of a person. In the beginning its just a few comments here and there but then they progress to belittling a person, making them question their each and every action until the person no longer knows or even worse cares who they are. Sexual and Physical Abuse can happen repeated but in most cases Emotional Abuse lasts a life-time.

Being strong enough to see it, being strong enough to over come it and being strong enough to believe you will survive are the only medications you have to recover."

Friday, November 28, 2008

How To Find Your Soul Mate & Your Self - Part 4

This lady has a lot of good things to say!!!! I love her site and you might find it interesting if you are out of your last relationship and looking for something more. I think one of my biggest problems in relationships is that I am attached to the outcome--therefore I monitor my words and actions based on what i want my partner to do and how I want them to feel--that is not genuine and I need to be more genuine with the possible partners my Higher Power presents to me.

How To Find Your Soul Mate & Your Self - Part 4: "4 Rules to Live Your Life By

This is all you need to practice in order to find your way in life...
to find your self love, your soulmate, and your purpose.

These are also known as the 4 rules of negotiation or peace making, and can be applied to ANY relationship or situation to bring about the highest good for all concerned, ALWAYS."

  1. Be present

  2. Listen

  3. Tell the Truth

  4. Release Attachment to the Outcome


  1. Being present means showing up, and being willing to participate in the solution, which means being WILLING to HEAR the other person out.

  2. Listening is HEARING how the other person says they feel, to what they are telling you THEY need. You are not listening, if you are in your head, hearing your own thoughts, and thinking about what you need to say next, in order to try and make things go your way.

  3. Telling the TRUTH is communicating how you REALLY FEEL at a heart (soul) level, regardless of what you FEAR may or may not be the outcome. The truth will ALWAYS set you free.

  4. Releasing attachment to the outcome is being willing to accept whatever happens as being for the best. If attached to the outcome, you will not be able to do #'s 1, 2, or 3. Attachment is selfishness, not love. Love is acceptance, and allowance for the other person to be who they really are, and to do what they feel is right at a heart level.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Abuse can be subtle but destructive none the less

Lesson on Subtle forms of abuse
Enforcing your boundaries ensures you won't be with an abuser
—at least for long

Ok--I haven't done anything really personal on this blog for awhile. But I've recently learned a valuable lesson about abuse and I have to share it. It's long, so don't read it unless you want to understand how you don't have to be their emotional target, unless you want to.

I was involved with a man I thought was "the one"—Jim McGirr (yes I use real names because I advocate for NOT protecting or enabling any type of abuse—however unconsciously it is done). Jim and I seemed to be completely compatible in lifestyles, values, and even sex! So I ignored the red flags (a DUI, PTSD symptoms, miserliness) because it seemed God had brought this man into my life. Jim and I prayed together every morning, we seldom argued, we believed in service to our fellow humans, and we both had spiritual programs. What could be better?

He seemed to be such a nice guy

Jim is known as a really nice guy and it appeared as if we were a match made in heaven. I was crazy about him and decided to do whatever it took to stay in the relationship (except allow abuse!).

Anyway, remember our abuse tutorial? Dr. Marshall and myself have told you that if you take care of yourself and don't allow yourself to be a victim, that the partner who wants to control, abuse, and manipulate will simply blow themselves out of the relationship--you don't have to do it!

If you are with an abuser and you won't let them abuse,
if they don't want to change they will leave you,
you don't have to leave them!

Well, my relationship with Jim was just such an example. I still picked a guy who would have been an abuser if given the chance--but I took care of me--he didn't get much of a chance to abuse. (for the record, Jim thinks he is a really kind person--and he is, until he isn't. I, too, believed he was kind—so the abuse was initially hard to spot.)

Differences between a normal relationship
and a subtly abusive one

Bare in mind, we are not talking about normal relationship mistakes or inconsiderations — both Jim and I were guilty of these. Emotional abuse is not the occasional forgetting of an anniversary, common relationship disagreements or occasional shouting matches. Abuse is not the heat of the moment name-calling, accidental slip of the tongue that hurts feelings, or even a deliberate zinger...we are all human and not perfect. Emotional abuse is the characteristic ongoing pattern of denigration and vilification of your partner in order to gain control. Abuse is a control and power thing.

Some abusers don't know they are abusing and when they find out, they change. Some abusers don't know they are abusing but are so far in denial, they can't change. Others know it and don't care for various reasons. I believe Jim is in the second category—denial.

How did this really nice guy "abuse"?

His subtle forms of abuse included asking me to live in unhealthy conditions to save him money (although he is practically a millionaire), belittling me when I objected, selective memory to demean me, using humor and sarcasm to put me down, using fear and guilt to try to control me, twisting facts to make me look unreasonable, financially abusing me by expecting me to pay for all his living expenses while he only paid for his own food and personal expenses.


I want you to learn from my experience and so created a few exercises based on Jim and I. It is sometimes easier to see abuse in other relationship then our own. See if you can pick out the subtle abuses in these 4 examples.

Name the types of non-physical abuse in these examples

Example 1 (Name the four types of emotional abuse) Jim took me to his "cottage" in Alaska, which was a converted Quonset hut, no electricity, no running water, a filthy outhouse with no door and visible to pedestrians. There was rat shit in the drawers, black grimy, greasy cook ware, and furniture literally pulled out of the dump, so slimy that I didn't even want my dog to lay on it. He had washed the mold off the walls and vacuumed the rugs (to little avail) and was "hurt" when I didn't find this charming—he told me that! When I explained it was not only the shabbiness that bothered me but the health hazards, like the rat turds and mold spores, he replied that it wasn't really mold growing on the walls but mushrooms and they weren't rats but voles. After expressing his disappointment in my "attitude" he jokingly called me "sterile," and "clinical" claiming my "standards" were too high and I, unlike him, was not flexible. (This made my mother crazy who told me that the Motel Eight he once took me to could not be considered "high" standards. And Mom can attest to the fact I am in no way "sterile" or "clinical" in my living standards.)
  • Answer: Financial abuse (Unhealthy lifestyle to save money), belittling, degrading humor, twisting facts.
Example 2 (Name the four types of emotional abuse) When he tried to get me to stay in a rat and bacteria infested 1973 motor home with raw sewage underneath (his 'home' in Nevada), I stayed two nights, worked on his projects non-stop for 2 days, then woke up on the third day and asked myself why I was allowing him to do this to me a second time. I mentioned the sewage and he remarked sarcastically, "What do you think? The sewage will crawl up the wheels and the axels and get you?" I asked to go to a motel. He refused. So I took care of me and decided to go home.

Before I left, he began cursing and throwing things around and shouting at me to leave and then begging me to stay with him--he was out of control and so rather than scramble to fix him (my old co-dependent behavior) and rather then give in to fear, I took responsibility for me. Later, Jim tried to say I "abandoned" him (ie, I am an evil unloving person) when he in fact, created the situation he knew I could not tolerate. The accusation of abandonment is actually funny as it was his home, he is practically a millionaire, and he had five cars there, all of which he claimed ran.

The good thing is, I left without belittling him, or judging him—I didn't even raise my voice. I just simply took care of me and encouraged him to take care of himself.
  • Answer: Financial abuse (Unhealthy lifestyle to save money), sarcasm, fear and guilt (to try and control my behavior)
Example 3 (Name the three forms of abuse in this example): In every argument between Jim and I, he threw up things he did for my family and continually said no one appreciated him—most especially myself. I would get confused because he did do wonderful and kind things for others—I could not understand why he continually felt unappreciated because my family did so much for him too. I began to feel inadequate as he constantly told me how good he was and how unappreciative me and my family were. He let me and my family pay for most everything until I insisted he begin paying while he lived with me. He didn't feel he should have to—because he could live for "free" in his Quonset hut. He reluctantly agreed to pay for our food and gas. From January to October, Jim, for the most part, lived with my mother, me, or my brother—he accepted my family's generosity without shame, yet constantly threw up in my face what he did for them.

Eventually I had to write a list (for my own clarification) of everything he did for my family and everything they did for him—turns out my family did much more for him than he did for them, not that my family cares, they liked Jim and don't mind doing things for family friends (see my list here). Problem is, Jim clubbed me with his 'generosity' while ignoring our generosity with him.
  • Answer: Guilt, selective memory, financial abuse
Example 4: (Name four main types of abuse in these examples) Jim took a day off work to drive me to the airport (200 miles) and a week later pick me up. He threw this up to me frequently claiming I didn't appreciate him losing two days work. What he "forgets" is me driving him to the same airport so he could fly to Connecticut to visit his parents and I, too, had to take off work. He "forgets" me picking him up at the Kalispell airport when he flew to the lower 48 (because of a DUI, Canada won't let him drive through the country so I drove our stuff 2000 miles while he flew on a plane—then he asked me not to pay for the trip with his money!) He "forgets" me driving him to his property in Nevada (another 1,000 miles) where we worked on his projects for 2 ½ days. What he "forgets" is that I gave up 10 days of my work for him.
  • Answer: Guilt, twisting facts, selective memory, financial abuse
The above examples are not relevant except in his attempt to make me feel "less than" with his selective memory. Doing things for each other—driving each other places, him working on my property or me working on his--I didn't think a thing of it—except in retrospect. His driving me to the airport was wonderful, but why wasn't I afforded the same acknowledgement for the same favor? The only point there is to mentioning these everyday things people do for each other is to point out his subtle abusiveness—"I'm wonderful for what I do, you do nothing, you are nothing."

Was any of this Jim's fault?

How I live is my responsibility—not Jim's and I know that. So even though I spent a few nights in his places to appease him, I quickly snapped to and took responsibility for myself. If I didn't want to be in hovel, I had to leave. That is healthy. When he tried to manipulate me to feel guilty about who I am and how I choose to live—I did not allow it. I have learned at least some of my own lessons. Only 7 ½ months into the relationship and just 10 days after "abandoning" him in Nevada, Jim drove to my home, (ostensibly to start our life together), told me he was "unhappy" and left (surprise, surprise, he asked for all the money back that he had spent on me too!). Whew—can you imagine if he had stayed what my life would have been like? Protecting my boundaries protected me!

The Millionaire Miser

The thing that made this all the more striking is that this man is close to being a millionaire if not already. So his niggardliness has no financial basis. If he were poor, disabled, uneducated, --it might be more understandable. I told myself it was alcoholism, depression, and PTSD that caused his behavior, but in the end it doesn't matter—what matters is that I know who I am, what I want—and although I can and do compromise in a thousand ways with the people in my life, I don't apologize or feel guilty for being me.

Free Wall Hanging

You need a gift today, so we put together this wonderful wall hanger with Gary Zubkav's explanation of what a true spiritual partnership with a man is--We are all ultimately looking for that perfect partnership--so download this Wall hanging, print it out on some fabulous paper and put it where you can remind yourself what our goal is--to find and nurture that partnership devoid of victims and abuse. Spiritual Partnership download (Tip: it prints out beautifully on light blue, green or lavender paper and is fabulous framed)

Enjoy--and let us know what you think!

Gary Zukav Quotes - Authentic Power, Soul Evolution : Pearls Of Wisdom

It is important to understand this line on victims and it is essentially how you will break out of your cycle of abuse--you can do this--take the tutorial and move forward!

Gary Zukav Quotes - Authentic Power, Soul Evolution : Pearls Of Wisdom: "We are evolving from a species that pursues external power into a species that pursues Authentic Power... Authentic power has its roots in the deepest source of our being. An authentically empowered person is incapable of making anyone or anything a victim. An authentically empowered person is one who is so strong, so empowered, that the idea of using force against another is not a part of his or her consciousness.'

~ Gary Zukav ~"

Monday, September 29, 2008

Alzheimer's - verbal abuse

there are times when you just have to be understanding with an abuser and know it is not them or you or anything but life and this is one of those cases--read about this sweet woman who takes alzheimer's abuse heart goes out to her becasue I know she doesn't understand

Alzheimer's - verbal abuse: "It is understandable that the feelings of your father-in-law's wife are hurt. However, it might be helpful if she tries to interpret his behavior differently. Although it must not be easy to receive verbal abuse from her own spouse, the fact that she is feeling hurt and helpless may suggest that she is taking his actions personally rather than seeing them as a symptom of his dementia and/or any other illnesses, and perhaps a general feeling of vulnerability and worry about his health, and not as a motivated attack to hurt or insult her. He may not be able to control his outbursts at this point, but she could attempt to mentally reframe the situation for herself and utilize basic redirection techniques to manage him. If she finds that he is complaining unreasonably and being verbally abusive, she can simply reply to him by validating his concerns and quickly changing the subject onto something more positive."

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Every one must fight abuse...

the best advice yet!!!!!

Domestic violence. Batterered wives. Domestic terrorism. Bah humbug. Who cares? None of my friends are abused. It has nothing to do with me. People may well say that; but how do you know? Are you sure your friend isn’t black and blue on the inside from verbal and emotional abuse and is keeping it private as is typical of abused women? And what about the receptionist at your doctor’s office? Could it be the name calling and put downs she’s getting at home made it so hard to concentrate that she put your papers in someone else’s file and now no one can find them? Could your coworker, whom you think has PMS, actually be in terror of unjustly losing custody of her children because of threats from her almost ex-husband and because the court tends to believe the statements of an angry aggressive man are true, while his victim must furnish proof for her statements? And horror of horrors, what if one of your daughters—or your friend’s daughters ends up married to an abuser? As with the Holocaust, if too many people shrug and turn away, the problem will soon be on everyone’s doorstep and come into their homes. We must not only intervene to stop domestic violence, we must take steps to prevent it from happening in the first place.

But how can we prevent abuse?

when you abuse yourself....

Anyhoo, the commercial shows a woman cleaning while a man's voice is heard berating her..."You call that clean? Blah blah blah," and then a man fixing a car while a woman's voice crushes him..."You think you can fix that? You can't do ANYTHING right! Blah blah blah blah blah!" And then there's the soothing professional voice urging people to get help, that verbal abuse is just as abusive and intolerable as physical abuse, that nobody should tolerate being treated like that, blah blah blah. Makes me feel all warm and gooey that we put out a good, sincere, hopefully helpful PSA addressing one of my personal crusades...

My question is this:

What does one do when the voice in their head constantly beating them up is their own?

visit this blog

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bullying-better spelled: cruelty

I like Dr. Jo ann--why call it bullying when it is really cruelty???? • News • 'Connectedness' can overcome cruelty: "While others are crusading against bullying, Dr. Jo Ann Freiberg of the Connecticut Department of Education abhors the word.

Calling it a “four-letter word” that should be avoided, she told Stratford educators Monday to focus on a different term that better characterizes the behavior of some students toward peers — cruelty."

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Kimorexia: No offense, but…

You've got to read her post...

Kimorexia: No offense, but…: "'No offense, but...'

Don’t you hate when someone says that? It means they are going to say something offensive, doesn’t it? They know it's offensive, and say it anyway. It’s like a get out of jail free card. They’re supposed to get off free, while you’re left with the scars.

That phrase has some hostile cousins:

“You’re __________”, followed by “kidding!” (Not so funny at all!)

“You should know better than to take it personally! You know how I am!'

“You should know better than to take me seriously!”

“Geez, can’t you take a joke?”"

Linda Neely: Lessons in remembrance - Sean Kirst -

They want to remember her--they want to teach children to recognize abuse. Good idea, but will it get off the ground?

Linda Neely: Lessons in remembrance - Sean Kirst - "That's intended as a way of getting at the quiet and continuing national tragedy that Linda Neely illustrates: She was an involved mom, a PTO treasurer, a well-loved worker at a local adoption agency ... and many who knew her well had no idea that she spent years in an abusive situation. Domestic abuse - physical, verbal or behavioral - slices through divisions of class and income, and is often hidden behind the walls of a house.

Colleen O'Brien, a Vera House staff worker, said a finely-tuned curriculum in the schools could help to gently educate children about patterns they might not even recognize as abuse.

I would invite anyone who has reflections about Linda Neely, or about the lessons to be gained from her life, to share them by leaving them here, e-mailing me at or visiting the forum."

Friday, March 21, 2008

Workshop for Partners of Sex Addicts

In April you will find a great workshop for partners of sex addicts in Arizona at the Meadows--read about at our site.

1655 North Tegner Street
Wickenburg, Arizona 85390

Remember, many times the underlying cause of abuse is an addiction/obsession with sexual issues--read about this on our site if you suspect that might be the reason your abuser treats you so badly.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Unpacking and confusion | The Wordslinger, here to help you understand verbal abuse.

Here's a woman who is just now beginning to understand what emotional and verbal abuse is all about--her story may help you decide is "abuse" applies in your relationship.

Unpacking and confusion | The Wordslinger, here to help you understand verbal abuse.: "He's due back today after 5 days away for work and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've taken time out of my usual routine of preparing for him to arrive (wake in a panic, frantically clean and organise the house to his liking) to seek support and advice here as his behaviour is not normal."