Sunday, March 30, 2014

A question and Lesson from the workshop on Verbal Abuse Defense.

Hi K,

You pose a great question and one that many ask, including myself when you want to know why a person would want to destroy someone's self respect and self worth. However, what we have learned about people who fall into this abuse pattern is that they are not concentrating so much on you as on on their own fears. so the goal is not so much to destroy your self-respect as to give them control over putting you down, they get a false sense of power (well its not so much false when they "win"). We give them our power.

So the abuser is not saying, "Hey I'm going to destroy your self worth," they are actually saying, "I am in charge, you are nothing, you need me to function, I am worth more then you so bend to my will."

In addition you make a good point, "For example, it would take more work to invite someone to share your religion than it would to simply forbid the target from practicing the religion of her own choosing." Yet, it takes a lot of energy to continually hold someone down. They have to constantly watch and monitor and ferret out "misdeeds" of their target. That takes energy. But they are so afraid that you will be independent, whole, not needing them...a partnership and mutual respect is something they fear they cannot hold up to. So they belittle you, take control, smash your self worth--and they do this to the degree that you let them. Some partners do it because they can--others have such deep seated problems they cannot stop no matter what.

In the case of the partners (both men and women) who do it because their target has trained them to and allowed them to abuse them, those people can often change once the target puts a stop to it. To the abusers who have the deep seated problems--they need a lot more help and will often leave the target once the target no longer allows it.
You are a Target-Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop: "This workshop is your introduction to the Miracle Principle and a new way of thinking about abuse

It is such a simple idea that it escapes even some very wise counselors in the the domestic abuse arena. Learn all about the Miracle Principle and why you never have to be verbally, mentally, financially, sexually, or emotionally abused again. Stopping domestic abuse really is in your hands."

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Saturday, March 29, 2014

Is Screaming and Yelling Verbal Abuse

the answer of course is YES...screaming and yelling are verbal abuse. It is usually an anger management problem and I hope you are not allowing it. I had one of our participants say recently on the free online workshop, "I feel like I am not standing up for myself when I walk away."

Yet we know that when we fight back that they use our stance against us--they engage us in the abuse then accuse US of abusing them!  No--it is not "standing up for ourselves when we fight back. It is encouraging and egging on the abuse. Walking away is saying, "I do not allow people to treat me this way. If you treat me this way, I will leave. I chose to be around people who do nto scream and yell at me." If every time they scream and yell you disappear--they will stop. If you scream back or try to reason, you are engaged and it is the same as rewarding them. You are giving them something to twist and throw back in your face.

when my husband yelled, I held up my hand and said STOP. It confused him and after yelling at me one last time, "I can say any god-damned thing I want" he walked away from me. Once he didn't and continued to yell, so I left--he finally learned I would not stand for him yelling at me. So is it better to leave and let them know you will not stand for it, or is it better to "stand up for yourself" engage him or her and continue the abuse again and again and again?

Here's a brief article on it at

Screaming And Yelling – Is Screaming and Yelling Verbal Abuse: ""My husband yells constantly. The least little thing sets him off. The other day I didn’t load the dishwasher the way he thought it should be. For 30 minutes, I had to listen to him yelling and cursing about how he is the only one here who knows how to do things the right way."

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Thursday, March 20, 2014

How Psychotherapy Changes the Brain

If you take meds because you are "unhappy" or depressed in your relationship, please consider making behavioral changes in learning how to respect yourself by stopping abuse--it just may create the changes in your brain that the meds do. There are two benefits: One, changing behavior and responses does not cost money, and you have the added benefit of knowing that your real life has changed for the better--not just your brain chemistry to make you feel better in a bad situation.

Healthy Minds. Healthy Lives.: How Psychotherapy Changes the Brain: "Psychotherapy is also “biological” in that it can lead to real functional and structural changes in the brain.   In fact, sometimes psychotherapy and medication produce surprisingly similar changes in the brain.  We still have a lot to learn about the topic, but below are some examples of what researchers have been finding so far."

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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Hualapai Nation | Grand Canyon West

My sister and I visited the Grand Canyon Skywalk hosted by the Hualapai (pronounced wallapie) and she found this Hualapai seal and the wisdom behind it which I want to share. To any couple experiencing any abuse--verbal and emotional from your partner, please read what the Hualapai have to say. If only we were taught this principle as children instead of the "Be nice to him and show him you love him and he will be nice back." Unfortunately that path usually teaches them that if he is mean to you, you are nice to him in return and what does he learn? That being mean makes you nicer!

Hualapai Nation | Grand Canyon West: "The Great Spirit created Man and Woman in his own image. In doing so, both were created as equals. Both depending on each other in order to survive. Great respect was shown for each other, in doing so, happiness and contentment was achieved them as it should be now."

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Saturday, March 15, 2014

‘Verbal abuse amounts to domestic violence’

Other countries are waking up to verbal abuse issues and the fact that women are not your property! Of Course France leads the pack with their laws against verbal abuse, but the US has the most social support for the issue. Now India is making strides...They are mentioning the fact that other women living with extended families are also targets--true. When my husband was verbally and emotionally abusing me, he also made life uncomfortable for my Mom when she came to visit. I remember one time when angry and driving us someplace, he kept jerking on the breaks and flipping our heads back at every stop. I asked him to stop but that only made him angrier. My mom refused to visit any longer--I am so glad that bully is out of my life!

Read about India's new laws here:
The Morung Express: Nagaland Latest & Breaking News, Northeast & India News - ‘Verbal abuse amounts to domestic violence’:"He also stressed on various issues underlining that even a mere verbal abuse by a husband amounts to domestic violence. He spoke on protection of wife or female live-in partner from domestic violence at the hands of the husband or male live-in partner or his relatives." The law also extends its protection to women living in a household such as sisters, widows or mothers, he said, adding domestic violence under the above mentioned Act includes actual abuse or threat of abuse whether physical, sexual, verbal, emotional or economic.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Woman accused of being intoxicated and trying to start fights at an AA meeting (02/27/14)

I feel sorry for her--BUT she was abusing a group of people who want to stay sober--at least the meeting did not tolerate her abuse and defended their own rights. Good for them.

Greene County Daily World: Local News: Woman accused of being intoxicated and trying to start fights at an AA meeting (02/27/14): "One woman was arrested Monday after police got a call that an intoxicated woman was starting fights in a church in Linton where several people were trying to have an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting."

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