Wednesday, April 27, 2005

You can stop your friends from being abused

From See it--where you learn to recognize abuse--the abuser and the target, to what exactly to do and say to the abuser to make it stop, to organizing your community or school to address abuse.

What I really like about this site is the examples. They give you examples of the excuses an abuser might make when confronted and give you the exact retort! Check it out See it and Stop it.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Men have a hard time telling on themselves

Somebody you know (and probably like) abuses. Maybe your spouse/partner does. Maybe you do. On this site, Blaine Nelson reaches out to help women of abuse, men of abuse and relates his own struggle to overcome it and live a healthier life. To his credit, he allows his target to tell her story uncensored. Interestingly, his wife was able to describe the actual abuse and how she allowed herself to be intimidated and subjugated to his controlling ways. She was able to describe her fear and how she worked past the fear to gain the courage to break free.

Blaine wasn't able to describe even one abusive act on his part--only able to generally describe that he was. He is doing a lot to help others but on this site, is unable to let us see his abusive self-- I'm glad he's doing what he is to right the wrongs, but actually admitting what he did would go a lot further for me. Take a look at this interesting abuse site. It tells how this couple moved past it and it wasn't by staying together.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Amazing Public Verbal Abuse

From a recent article by Stefanie Scarlett in The Journal Gazette in Fort Wayne.

We’ve all heard them: the couple who scream obscenities at each other in public, the overzealous parent who berates a child for failing to catch the ball during the big game.

The Center for Nonviolence in Fort Wayne defines violence as “any words or actions that hurt and control another, cause fear or make someone feel belittled or weak and powerless,” coordinator John Beams says.

It can take the form of blaming, criticizing, humiliating, name-calling, threatening or trivializing someone else as a way to gain control or exert power.

One of the more stunning media examples of verbal abuse came from Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller, a married couple who appeared on “The Amazing Race 6” this year and shocked other racers and fans with their ongoing and intense bickering. In the eyes of many viewers, Baker berated and blamed his wife for every problem they encountered, which left Fuller in tears more than once.

After the race, they were chastised on prime-time television by no less than Dr. Phil. The couple has said “The Amazing Race” didn’t portray their relationship accurately, that things weren’t nearly as bad as they seemed and that they were affected by the stress of competition.

They are still together – and are filming a reality show based on their post-“Race” experiences. Some might say it’s yet another example of undeserving people being rewarded for their bad behavior.

Of course, many of us will watch. Full story at

Monday, April 11, 2005

Secret Keepers in the news

Did you hear about the Boy Scout executive who pleaded guilty to child porn? That's right, Mr. Douglas Sovereign Smith Jr. of Forth Worth, TX was chairman of the Boy Scouts' Youth Protection task force. That was his "shiny" identity. His "slimy" identity, as reported March 31, included his use of a computer to receive, store and distribute images of child pornography involving boys under the age of 12. Did you hear about Jane Fonda's new book, My Life So Far? In it she describes keeping secret her decades-long struggle with bulimia. "My husbands never knew, nor did my children or any of my friends and colleagues." These are just two of the thousands of high-functioning folks whose double lives caused them, and loved ones, anguish and harm. Fortunately, they are in recovery, as I myself am from the same secret-keepingSM syndrome. I can help if you, or someone you know, has similar issues. Blog your thoughts here, and remain as anonymous as you wish. You can also reach me through this site or read my book, Stolen Hours: Breaking Free From Secret Addictions.

Abusers are Basically bullies

Found a great site! It appears that bullies on the play ground and bullies in a relationship are about the same thing! They explain that bullying is:
-VERBAL (name-calling)
-PHYSICAL (punching, pushing)
-RELATIONAL (leaving someone out of a game or group on purpose)

-EXTORTION (stealing someone's money or toys)
-CYBERBULLYING (using computers, the Internet, mobile phones, etc. to

And they explain that teachers seldom see the bullying! Doesn't that sound like your relationship? Relationship abuse is seldom done where others can witness. in the FAQ they say to the question, why me?

First, you need to know that you are NOT alone in being bullied. You need to know that being bullied is NOT YOUR FAULT. You also need to know that there are many positive things that you can do about bullying.

People who bully might tell you things like "You're stupid and ugly" or other bad things. They might try to hurt and control you by telling you that your hair or skin colour, size, sex, race, religion and other things are bad. Don't believe bullies.

If we can teach kids on the playground how to stop bullies--we can teach ourselves how to stop the grown-up bullies in our lives.

Saturday, April 9, 2005

Did you know that you are prey?

The call us "victims"! They are looking for "targets!" Did you know that you are considered prey? Know the abuser's methods, know their sickness, know their need to find and control you! Only with this knowledge will you be able to keep your boundaries and keep them away. Stop the abuse before it starts, know who has targeted you and how they do it! Here is a quote from Greens new book.
Everything depends on the target of your seduction. Study your prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms. The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or at least somewhat unhappy (perhaps because of recent adverse circumstances), or can easily be made so-for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce.

This site also tells how to use your spiritual values against you!!!! Besides many other degrading and demoralizing strategies, this evil man advises others to use spiritual lures on you:
Play up your divine qualities; affect an air of discontent with worldly things; speak of the stars, destiny, the hidden threads that unite you and the object of the seduction. Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited. Deepen the effect of your seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the spiritual union of two souls.
Go visit his site and find out why and how you are prey at seducers world!

Friday, April 8, 2005

Great Article On Emotional Abuse

Pamela Brewer MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C has written a great article on emotional abuse that anyone interested in this subject ought to take a look at.

Just what is emotional abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It's sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser experiences your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be.... as the enemy.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong

By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP

Roger has a great article that anyone interested in abuse should read. Here it sounds as if he is describing my ex, Bob Bowman. God, are they made from cookie cutters???
He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again,

Check out his Articles here.