Sunday, June 19, 2005

What can we learn from Batman?

Just saw Batman Begins... and I won't give anything away but one line really stuck in my heart: "It's not the man underneath that defines him, it's his actions on the surface."

I always thought my ex had the best heart, he just never acted upon it...
Why did THAT line bring tears to my eyes... and why do I feel like I let HIM down???

I read this on a post at does this get to the heart of it! I haven't seen Batman and now I will, just for that one line. I always said Bob Bowman, my ex, was a really good guy and wanted to be a good husband but just didn't know how. That would drive my Mom crazy because she said if he wanted to be a good husband, he would.

But the saying, actions speak louder than words, HAS to be incorporated into how we relate to our partners. What do you think?

Friday, June 17, 2005

Emotional Abuse is Moral Abuse

This is by far the best article on abuse I have ever read!!!!
Moral abuse is abuse of one’s character. It convinces the victim that she is immoral or guilty of known and unknown crimes. The abuser convinces her that she is innately selfish and does not deserve to be well treated by him. The way in which this is done is by continually using every opportunity to fill the wife with guilt.

First he makes a demand. Second, she offers some resistance. Third, he puts pressure. If he continues to meet with resistance, he makes threats. Shedozenn’t want to lose him. So the fifth stage is her compliance. And finally, this cycle repeats itself over and over, because it works!
The writer mentions the "invisible wounds " of emotional/verbal abuse, tells us why women stay, and also is very clear that once a woman knows it is not her fault and stands up for herself--the abuse has to stop or they seperate. READ this article if you read nothing else about emotional abuse.

Wife Abuse - Part Two, by Garda Ghista

Victim correction and victim blaming

Found a very interesting site. Strange, when we, at feel that the word "victim" should not even be used with verbal/emotional abuse, the victimcorrection site sees self-help groups who tell a person to take care of themsevles and stop trying to get others to take care of them, as blaming the victim. They call it Victim Correction and say this attitude is responsible for depression and all manner of illness. victimcorrection tells others they ARE a victim--This whole site is dedicated to bashing self-help and psychologists because they won't feel sorry for the so-called victims of alcoholics, sex addicts, gamblers, and so on.... I guess they think we are supposed to "kill" everyone who doesn't act they way we think they should--
Victim correction as a panacea is basically victim-blaming followed by, “These victims, or those in similar situations, will benefit if, instead of doing what seems so blameworthy, they reacted pragmatically as follows…,” whether the situation is ordinary or grave, which is all that the Serenity Prayer has to offer. This self-blame among the suffering is so characteristic of the modern West that it’s to be expected both among modern Western adult children of alcoholics depressed or not, and modern Westerners suffering from clinical depression.
The webmaster also writes:
Only in some situations, to varying degrees, does the Serenity Prayer become the Barbarity Prayer, and does serene acceptance mean in the words of Shakespeare, “like patience on a monument smiling at grief,” but in those situatiun varyingyingly, the response-ability goes absolutely to the person whose welfare is at stake.
I find it so strange--yes the response-ability does go to the person whose welfare is at stake--THAT IS THE POINT! If your welfare is at stake--you must do something about the situation--You are not a victim unless you chose to be, but in the interest of openminedness, you might want to take a look at this site--some parts are incoherent but you get the jest. This person hates 'self-help' for telling people to take care of themselves (especially hateful to Al-Anon) At, we see few groups or professinals telling abused women to take respibility for themselves and this person sees everyone telling them that! Perceptions, what a kick!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Controlling caregiving: A contradiction?

This is one of my favorite parts of Dr. Irene's site on Verbal Abuse. I know I am co-dependent and I have to say that at times, within certain relationships, I have most definitely also been a controlling co-dependent. I still see signs of that in me when around certain people that I want to have "more" with, but don' t seem to want what I want. In my never-ending self-psychoanalyis, I've revisted this text recently to re-educate myself on what NOT do do.

From Dr. Irene's site. Link to full text provided.
Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that shirt belongs to -. you...)

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic and sense their partner's needs.
These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do; things you may not even want them to do.

They want to please you to show you how much they care.

The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try, too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about it!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

17 Signs of a Bad Boyfriend

The last four signs of a bad boyfriend are classic signs of an abuser:
  1. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
  2. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
  3. If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't (fill in the blank)," that's another sign of an abuser.
  4. And if he's mean to children, pets, or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.

Monday, June 6, 2005

Does the Bible Abuse Women?

One of our supporters sent us a link to Holly's blog today. Here Holly quotes some passages from the work of: Dee L. R. Graham - New York University Press, 1994. The work is incredibly hateful to males, but it's difficult to dismiss because there are seeds of truth in many of the accusations. However, the research is dated and the new things we have learned about men, battering, and verbal abuse have not been explored in this monologue. does not advocate hating men or "getting" even with the abusive people in our lives. It advocates respecting ourselves and our choices and taking responsibility for those choices. People will only abuse you verbally to the extent that you allow it.

That being said, Dee Graham did bring up the Bible-
Do the Biblical texts of terror {...} function as verbal abuse (to women)?
An interesting article by Sue Bohlin: 5 Lies the Church Tells Women, attempts to answer this
A comprehensive study on domestic violence in the church in the mid 80's revealed that 26 percent of the pastors counseled an abused wife to keep submitting and trust that God would either stop the abuse or give her the strength to endure it. About a fourth of the pastors believed that abuse is the wife's fault because of her lack of submission! And a majority of the pastors said it is better for wives to endure violence against them than to seek a separation that might end in divorce.
It is often Paul who gets quoted to persuade people that the bible states women are inferior and to be submissive to your husband, but this site says that it is taken out of context:
Paul writes that "Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). This may seem like a universal principle. But he says in the verse immediately preceding, "Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ" (5:21). The same verb is used. One cannot validly make verse 22 into a universal principle without searching out how it relates to the entire passage.
And finally, I am not an atheist but they do have ways of getting us to think. At this site, Holy Bible Quotations, List a lot (200) quotes that abuse women and children!!!!! Check it out. Then, Did you think you know your Bible? I took this Bible Quiz and was shocked!!!! I got a pretty good score but never-the-less, a few of these facts were never even on my radar--I guarantee that you don't know as much as you think you do!