Saturday, December 17, 2016

Damage Caused By Verbal Abuse - Science proves it, now what?

This is really a detailed article about bullying children. And it is pretty much wrong. It pertains to bully soccer coaches and how it damages the kids they coach. We know that and we know that scientific studies prove it. The damage goes deep. We know this too. This article discusses both sides of the debate about bully coaches:
I call out a bully coach, he gets his hackles up and fights back, more adults jump on either side of the debate and we all start slinging dirt until we get tired, bored, or distracted and move on but the one group who lives with this – the group who actually incur damages – are forgotten. Children.

But what the article doesn't cover is how this carries over to our personal relationships. Is it societies tolerance for such bullying that prepares us to accept such behavior in a marriage? Or is it society trying to shield kids from bullies that causes the damage? According to this article, bullying in sports causes every bad thing known to man--such as a weakened immune system, damage to connective tissue, obesity, drug abuse, mood disorders, smaller brains, Thinner Myelin Sheaths (skinny nerves), weaker brain cells, and finally "Learned helplessness and reduced self-esteem" Oh for heaven's sake.

The problem is us letting kids think they have no power--teach them to not put up with abuse! From anyone. Then you begin to build character. Bullying doesn't build character, but teaching kids not to react or to push against bullying does.

When are we going to stop framing everyone as a victim? Until we do, we will continue to produce kids who threaten to kill themselves when a candidate they don't like wins an election--don't let your kids be bullied--but not by teaching them to be a victim but by teaching them self respect and how to demand it from others. Read the article here:

Damage Caused By Verbal Abuse - Soccer Nation:



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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

East Missoula gets hit with antisemitic fliers; schools report verbal abuse |

I am always ashamed of supposedly conservative groups who target other groups of people for race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation--in fact it sickens me. One of reasons this verbal abusive situation in Missoula caught my eye is because my daughter and grandchildren live in Montana.
I personally suffered at the hands of the Posse Comitatus in Idaho years ago (sued a member of the PC and unbeknownst to me, the judge was a member also, so I lost a clear cut case!) but that aside, So the American nazi party and groups like the Posse Comitatus are considered right wing groups! I am conservative and the America Nazi Party and Posse Comitatus are not conservative! They are closer to the left wing nut jobs who are so intolerant of anyone who doesn't agree with them. So why do so many (like members of my own family) persist in thinking these guys are conservatives and grouping me in with them???

I do not believe in verbally abusing others--in bullying them--that is one of the reasons I was resistant to voting for a big bully Trump. (I did vote in the end for him because I was voting for the Supreme Court nominee). But of course, verbal abuse does not follow political lines.

Still, I resent being lumped in with verbal abusers as if any group of A-holes who go after other groups makes them conservatives (that sort of ignores what the far left is doing, doesn't it?). At Quora there is a very good essay that explains why people are confused on this-- remember that Nazis are socialists!!!!! NOT CONSERVATIVES,

Our kids are not taught history anymore and that is a huge problem with this issue--here is what


Now we have seen Nazis were not really right, but why does everyone say that?
Remember how Nazis came to power: Dolchstosslegende - the communist Jew was the devil in person. What was the ideology farthest away from this? - A social-democratic Right (today we would rather say a national conservative Right). - They defined themselves that way to be a counter part to the so called Jewish communism, and neo Nazis still continue to consider themselves far right today. Media does what they always do and copy paste - Voilà, most without a degree in political science think: nazism = being far right.
So I'm telling you this--those hate groups have little to nothing to do with conservatism. Nothing to do with me. I am a conservative but believe in respecting other's choices. I believe in giving them the space they need to be who they are--I am not at all supportive of traditional hard core religious folks who claim to know what the Bible says for everyone, or Muslims who claim to know what the Qoran says for everyone, or the Posse Comitatus or the American Nazi party or any group that spews hate--the far left (Nazis) and the far right (religious intolerance) or even sometime bullies like Trump are not in my group.

Whatever party you identify with,I hope they are not in your group either--verbal abuse comes from people who want control over others-- conservatism is about respect for what you believe as long as it is a two way street.

Here is the news release I refer to:
East Missoula gets hit with antisemitic fliers; schools report verbal abuse | Helena Local News Feed | helenair.com:
PS: I have to say, Trump appears to be doing a lot better than I thought he would--so I am hoping that the bully stuff was just his way of "winning" and now that he has to turn the bully off--the verbal abuse and the disrespect.

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Sunday, November 20, 2016

Verbal Abuse Defense Workshop Graduates

We have two November graduates, Chesta and Chole. Both of them were very thorough.

Chesta explained what she learned about not allowing her partner to "control" her feelings. She wrote, "Do not engage in a conflict with the abuser and take back power. Target should walk away when the partner's angry and do not allow the abuser to control his/her feelings."

When talking about keeping their secrets, she also had empathy for you, the reader. She said one of her favorite reasons for not keeping was to "have some sympathy for his next target. By telling, at least the new person goes in with their eyes open." Oh how we wish that was really true. We find that most women simply think, "That won't happen to me." And they ignore the red flag. But at least she can tell her, "I tried to help the next one."

Chesta, you did a GREAT Job.

When asked, "How should you respond to verbal abuse?." Chloe answered, "It does make sense to me. It makes sense because, like how you choose the people you hang around/put up with, your spouse is another one of those people. You have theoretically made a promise to work at staying with them for the rest of your life so the first step is to not allow them to talk to you certain ways but if that doesn't work, then you may need to leave their company. The choice is up to you."

We do choose the people we hang out with and we do choose our partners. But we don't automatically "choose" an abuser. We actually help create them too. They act in a controlling manner and we try harder to please.. by trying harder, we actually reinforce their behavior--reward them so to speak. But Chole learned a lot. She learned that we do not allow them to talk to us in a demeaning manner. That is difficult for many. They think their partner should "just know." But they don't so we have to teach them what we allow and what we don't. She promised herself, "I will only participate in conversations where I am addressed in an adult manner."

That's what we like to hear.

We've had a few targets begin the tutorial and get to lesson three and then drop out. Rachel, Holly, Johan, and Elizebeth. We know the lessons are rough when you have to look at yourself and choices you've made. But seeing ourselves is the first step to change. Remember, you really can not change your partner, only yourself. We hope you return and finish.

Congratulations to all our participants--and those who haven't yet taken the tutorial, you can begin right now: Verbal Abuse Defense Workshop

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Charter school teachers quit over alleged physical, verbal abuse by students -

As long as we teach kids to "turn in their parents" for alleged abuse and make it seem like all kids are victims of their "bad" parents--kids become emboldened to abuse adults. I number of years ago I subbed in some Virginia schools and remember the kids screaming at us teachers "Don't you touch me! I'll call the police." This was because we were trying to keep the big kids from running over the little kids at lunch. the teachers were really afraid that the kids would turn them in. so often kids are not taught respect for elders--they are taught that if they look hard enough they may find a way to be abused so they can claim victimhood.  This makes it much much harder for us to work with addiction.
In order to begin recovery, an addict must take responsibility for their own choices--if they consider themselves to be a victim, they can't reach this vital step. Read about these teachers here--the backlash is coming and it's long overdue.
Charter school teachers quit over alleged physical, verbal abuse by students - Upper Peninsula ABC 10: "The teacher, who asked to not be shown on camera, says students, from first to eighth grade, verbally abuse teachers, constantly fight and are acting out of control.

“I know at least three of us had death threats from the kids,” the teacher said. “I would hold it together and I would leave and cry in my car at the end of the day,” she added."


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Thursday, November 3, 2016

Donald Trump should learn that his words were verbal abuse | NOT!

This article is a criticism of Mr. Trump by a young woman who is just that YOUNG. I don't want to criticize her as she does Mr. Trump

but if we don't tell people the truth, they find it hard to grow up. Our author, Morgan, had some terrific parents who would probably think she sort of missed the message they were trying to teach her. They didn't want her to be the recipient of verbal abuse.
Good.

They did not tell her, "but if anyone says something you don't like to someone else, not about you, orto you, or in the presence of you, but hypothetically about others--and its raunchy--we want you to call that verbal abuse and be offended."

To Morgan's Mom and Dad, I think you need to help Morgan understand what verbal abuse really is.It is when someone verbally says things to put you down, make you feel bad, and control you. It inot what one person says to another about hypothetical people and behaviors 30 years ago and you become offended on their hypothetical behalf.

This is not to say Morgan, that Donald hasn't been verbally abusive to others--I'd heard him a time ortwo when I would call him a big bad bully. Your example, however, was not one of them.
Morgan--keep writing and keep growing. You'll catch on.
Donald Trump should learn that his words were verbal abuse | The Crimson White: "Mr. Trump's words were not just “Locker Room Talk,” his words were verbal abuse. I have been continually conflicted by his choices this election season, because although I am a Conservative, I am a Christian who is dedicated to the basic morals of my religion."



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Friday, October 7, 2016

Rise in verbal abuse hurled at shoppers by rough sleepers

This is a disturbing new thing in verbal abuse--the homeless abusing people going about their daily business. It is like a Steven King novel--"sleepers" (the homeless we call them here) are getting more aggressive and abusive--How do we help the homeless (or sleepers) who become increasingly aggressive seemingly without provocation? I see another Stephen King novel on the way....

Rise in verbal abuse hurled at shoppers by rough sleepers - View News: "Weymouth and Portland community safety spokesman Councillor Francis Drake began to talk to View From about the threat but then had to break off as one of the “disturbed” street people abused a group of people just yards away in St Mary Street. Councillor Drake said: “I have been told of many incidents, seemingly committed by street people who have a serious mental problem. This is something quite recent."



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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Not Brad Pitt too! Maybe not...

Not every tale of abuse is real and we should not assume it is based on media attention. Sometimes, families are families and do crazy family stuff that does not rise to the level of "abuse."



I think this is one of those invasive media things where people in the limelight get shafted because media just wants to "hook" you into reading. At this point there is NOTHING to the allegations of verbal abuse and I say, leave them alone--they are a family and media attention right now is invasive and unwarranted.



Brad Pitt Is Reportedly Being Investigated For Alleged Verbal Abuse & "Getting Physical" With His Children — UPDATE | Bustle: "It's only been a few days since Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, but now, even more heartbreaking allegations has come out involving their split. According to a new report by TMZ, Brad Pitt is allegedly being investigated by the LAPD and the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services for verbal abuse and getting physical with his children. TMZ claims that on a recent flight taken by Pitt, now-ex Angelina Jolie, and their children, Pitt allegedly became inebriated, and then allegedly screamed and acted "physical" with the children."



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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Keeping cool when verbally abused

 is a Voice Speaking Coach and has the right take on dealing with verbal abuse. She uses posture, attitude, and the miracle principle (taught in our work). I love it as more and more people see the wisdom in learning to stop abuse by not engaging. Read her article--very good.

Keeping cool when verbally abused - WeAreTheCity | Information, Networking, jobs & events for women: "So how do you deal with a screaming customer??? In my training courses I discuss different types of body language and how a neutral, none confrontational posture is more effective than a frightened or aggressive response. If you are able to maintain a neutral pose (and believe me it was difficult on Friday night), the abuser is going to grow tired of abusing since you aren’t reacting. Being aggressive back is like fire with fire. Although internally I was very stressed and shaken, I was able to maintain a calm exterior, avoiding escalating the problem. I hope you never have to deal with being verbally abused, but if you are, try to focus on maintaining an open, neutral posture and body language, to diffuse the situation. If you would like to discuss speaking and communication training, contact me. I would be delighted to discuss different options."



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Thursday, September 8, 2016

Emotional Terrorists Traffic in Verbal Abuse. Make It Stop! -

This is a very good article on a very bad website--it will not stop loading the commercials!!! Yuck--commercial abuse! Anyway, the upshot is that it explores the "sneaky" nature of verbal abuse and how easy it is to rationalize away at first--really worth reading for the beginner.

Emotional Terrorists Traffic in Verbal Abuse. Make It Stop! -:


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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Bad Mom’s Series: What You Say Can Be Harming Your Child

I am blown away by this article on verbal abuse and Moms. I am particularly sensitive to abuse stories and Moms because I was very abusive to my daughter at times--you could not say I was evil or anything--just single and trying to do my best and it fell short a lot of the time. When my skills fell short it was my beautiful daughter who got the brunt of my shortcomings and yes, I abused her. That being said, she is a great person who has done very well with herself and her own family. I do admire her and wonder how I didn't really really mess her up.

I hate it when professionals try to dump on Moms and act as if every bad thing in  a person was created by a stressed out yelling Mom who loses it frequently. My Mom was abusive--she was a drunk. I was abusive and I was sober. I like how myself and my brothers turned out--not ideal but we are capable adults, successful adults and we all three have integrity, despite our failings. My daughter is a capable, successful adult despite her failings--I like us a lot and sometimes much more than other families who I think are really self-centered and more flawed than us despite their "perfect" childhoods.  Am I rambling? So let me focus. The reason I lie this article so much is that it is sensible, doesn't villainize Moms and can actually give you GREAT advice is you are a single parent struggling to keep things together. Thank you Tameka for a great read and good advice in the verbal abuse arena.
Bad Mom’s Series: What You Say Can Be Harming Your Child: "What my friend said next was a total game changer for me. “While I’ll say you’re not a bad mom, you do need to stop yelling at the children because you are doing more harm than good. You sound like you are burned out. Just because you are a single mom doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself. You need to start asking your support system for help. Tameka, when was the last time you had some ‘me-time?’’ “What the heck is me-time?” I said as we continued the conversation."


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Monday, August 22, 2016

2 new graduates Michele and Piet

Michele is the same one who shared in our last blog--she has taken her time and given some of the most thoughtful answers Dr. Marshall and I have received. Sometimes people fly right through the tutorial and the lessons are not absorbed as well, so when you take the course, remember Michele and take your time.

Michele told us how she looks at detachment:
Detachment is the ability to get on with my life without letting my spouse's bad behaviour negatively affect me. It's not about being mean to someone else; instead, it's about me learning to not participate in "the dance."
Then a young man, Piet, is dealing with his female partner and had this to share:
It's when you stop focusing on your narcissistic partner trying to change them or humour them, and start focusing on yourself and the wounds your partner has helped you to identify within yourself and to start working on healing your wounds and become a whole independent person.
Good share, Piet. Piet also answered why it is not a good idea to let them treat us badly:
We are perpetuating their bad behaviour if we do this which will ultimately harm them and destroy them. It is better to treat them with respect and never give them a reason to say that we deserve their bad treatment as we treat them similarly or even worse.
Congratulations to both this month's graduates Michele S. and Piet P. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

How to spot verbal abuse and take action |

Here's an article on how to deal with abuse in your partner--this is a woman who has recently tried to deal with her partner with a bit of success. Unfortunately, she still doesn't quite get the picture. Why am I pointing you to this article? So you can evaluate for yourself what isn't working in this--Hint: Telling them how their actions make you "feel" gives them more power! So as you read this, look for what she has discovered does work, and look for what doesn't. If you took the tutorial, this is a bonus lesson--if you didn't go over now and sign up for it!.

How to spot verbal abuse and take action | Columns | tetonvalleynews.net: "Questions that victims of verbal abuse can begin to ask are: “What do you mean by that?" “What are you trying to achieve with that remark?” And later, if they are at receptive, tell them how it makes you feel. The more you don’t take their behavior personally (as a result of the blame that is placed on you) and the more you practice not reacting, the more you will feel empowered."



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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

How to deal with domestic abuse -Getting Doctors involved

Mor and more articles are now dealing with abuse--verbal and emotional. Many professionals still do not actually understand the difference between violence and abuse. They have support groups where the people are combined which is a huge mistake. Domestic violence is different from Abuse in that it must be handled quite differently. If it is not, the target could be in a lot of trouble. this post (below) talks about getting your doctor involved--that is good when it comes to violence but emotional abuse? most doctors would be lost, unless it was their specialty.  The complete post referenced below is good--but predictable.
How to deal with domestic abuse - The Jakarta Post: "Abusers know how to control and manipulate you. When there is another person involved who they cannot control, they will start to feel less powerful. Sometimes it is better to get a doctor involved, as they can refer you to the right support groups that have experience with domestic abuse. You can even meet other domestic abuse victims and survivors to share stories and get support.  "


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Sunday, July 31, 2016

How Letting Them Hurt You Actually Hurts Them

Sometimes I use examples from our workshop participants to illustrate points and create lessons--and once in a while we get such a great detailed answer that I have to share the whole thing.Recently we have had a participant of the tutorial answer the questions, "Explain why we are actually hurting another by giving them everything they want and by allowing them to be mean to us."

The answer was so profound that I decided to share it with all of you. Michele is taking her time with the tutorial and trying to absorb the principles  behind what Dr. Marshall and I teach. Her answer is a lesson in itself--Please take the time to read her response to this questions and see if it makes sense to you:
We can be hurting people by giving them everything they want. We can be spoiling them, enabling them or helping them become bad people.
Because I'm a "helper" (one who worked in social services), this concept was and is so hard for me to understand that I quoted the answer from the article, to help me focus. I had to remind myself of something I was once told by someone who heard me talking to my husband. "Be nice.", my father said. I replied, "But, I'm right!". He said, "Yes, and be nice." Finally, I'm starting to understand. Being nice and being right are not on opposite sides of the spectrum. Okay, I can be nice while not enabling.
I have often been guilty of enabling abuse. As I started to truly understand the concept of the GR, the easiest example I could come up with in real life is with potty training the puppy. If we allow the cute puppy to do whatever they want without consequence and then they jump on guests and pee on the floor, they become a grown-up, not-so-cute dog that no one wants to be around. If we help the puppy learn to control her behaviour, (pee outside and greet guests appropriately) then they're a "good dog".
People aren't the same as dogs, but some things are comparable. If we allow someone to be mean and abuse us, then we're not helping them control their behaviour and they learn to use abuse to get what they want. We're hurting that person because, in the future no one will want to be around them.
This was the second part of the lesson: "Give an example from your relationship where your partner is bullying you, and you remain "nice" without rewarding and putting up with his bad behavior." 
He talks to the dog instead of me when he's giving me the silent treatment. I used to get mad at his disrespectful behaviour, asking that he speak to me and then when he didn't, I'd freak and shriek. Basically, I'd get myself worked up because he paid more attention to the pet than he does to me. Ugh. I don't need him to speak to me to know that I'm important, but his  behaviour's still rude.
I knew that my show of anger wasn't going to change things, so I tried changing my behaviour. At first, I tried not reacting, just waiting until he got over it, as long as he was "not speaking" to me. For eleven days, he didn't initiate a conversation. I answered every direct question and only spoke to him if I needed to. Finally, I had to sit him down and explain that while I can probably live like that for the next four years, it isn't good for either of us. I started asking how he was feeling and generally showed an interest in him, modelling the behaviour I'd like him to show me. He stopped "not speaking" to me.
Now, when he starts giving me the silent treatment. I change my reaction. I don't need him to talk to me; sometimes it's more peaceful when he's quiet, lol. So, as long as I don't need to consult with him for something, I'll read or go for a walk until I figure he isn't angry. Then, since he often says things like, "I don't know how to talk to you...", I'll begin a conversation.
I'm no longer trying to teach him anger management - since it hasn't worked in 20 years, it won't work now. Instead, I'm using my skills to manage my own emotions.
So let us know what you think of how Michele has come to understand that being "nice" to an abuser is not nice at all.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Verbal abuse at the root of many of society's problems

This article talks about verbal abuse going way beyond just yelling obscenities. They certainly understand the Miracle Principle! This is my favorite sentence from this great article"
It’s knowing you have choices in life and when someone says something ugly or hurtful to you, you can choose to be offended or not offended.
See that? YOU can choose--never forget this one simple fact can save you so many years of pain. The article is well worth reading:
Verbal abuse at the root of many of society's problems: "Verbal abuse is not just someone yelling obscenities at you, it is the lack of communication skills. It’s a mother telling her son to wash her car and wondering why he expects to be paid. It’s being TOLD to do something.  It’s being BULLIED by your parents, an action that causes you to turn to food or your iPhone for comfort. It’s a marriage falling apart because the couple doesn't don’t know the key to living in harmony is saying, “Thank You,” “I appreciate your help.”"



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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Monica Lewinsky at TED Talks - Neighbors at War!

As journalist and author Ward Lucas recommends, "Please, please take the time to watch Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. Then apply it to your own life."

Monica Lewinsky at TED Talks - Neighbors at War!: "Please, please take the time to watch Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. Then apply it to your own life"



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Saturday, June 11, 2016

Amber Heard Just Accused Johnny Depp Of More Abuse In A New Lawsuit

I don't don't don't want to believe this about Johnnie Depp!!!! Yet if he truly is an alcoholic/addict who can't stay clean and sober, then well, it's probably true. I don't know, of course--I can only speculate--heck I don't know if he abuses drugs at all. but if he does, then I would believe his wife--and I totally understand going back to an abuser! You keep thinking if they stop drinking, if you could be loving enough, if they picked you over the drug--then the abuse would stop.

Understand this Amber, you can never be good enough or loving enough to make him change, if indeed this is what is going on. Learn to respect yourself enough that you won't stand for this kind of treatment from anyone.

Amber Heard Just Accused Johnny Depp Of More Abuse In A New Lawsuit: "Heard repeatedly returned to Depp, despite his verbal and physical mistreatment of her, hoping optimistically that the man she married would change his behavior… Each time Heard returned, however, within months, the cycle of substance abuse and violence repeated…"



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Thursday, May 12, 2016

Transgender woman subjected to horrifying verbal abuse on New York subway | US | The Independent

Wow--we always talk about men also being abused--not just women--well, guess what?

(NOTE--we had youtube video here but had to remove it because it plays even when you don't want it to.--so sorry but we won't do videos that won't let readers control how they work...)

Transgenders get it too! Geeze--what a little bit of respect for each other might do in this crazy world!
Transgender woman subjected to horrifying verbal abuse on New York subway | US | The Independent: "A transgender woman was subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse after a fellow passenger confronted her. Pearl Love, an outreach social worker for Trans Latina network, was accosted by a woman sitting across from her as she travelled on the New York subway."



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Friday, May 6, 2016

Black magic, physical abuse, Hrithik mania: Adhyayan Suman on Kangana

From Bollywood--comes the reminder that verbal abuse is not always from a man to a woman but often a woman to her guy!

Black magic, physical abuse, Hrithik mania: Adhyayan Suman on Kangana | bollywood | Hindustan Times: "Adhyayan paints Kangana as an abusive girlfriend who made his life “hellish” for the one year they dated."



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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Announcement: YouAreATarget.com has been merged with RespectMeRules.com

Announcement: YouAreATarget.com has been merged with RespectMeRules.com for a more powerful workshop experience.

The FREE online Verbal Abuse Defense Workshop has been relocated, revamped, and is now very user-friendly. We fixed the broken links and updated the info. Please take a look at the new site and updated workshop here: www.RespectMeRules.com

You'll find all the great stories and sharing from past participants and we think you will find everything easier to use.

NOTE or new email is  info@respectmerules.com

Let us know what you think. And Hang in there. Reclaiming your self-respect is not easy but you are not alone.

Signed,
Dr. Mike Marshall and Shelly Marshall, BS CSAC

http://www.pocketsponsor.com/storefront.html#!/Verbal-Abuse/c/9270444/offset=0&sort=normal

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Learn about the Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S. and how to stop verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and religious abuse.

Updated website--just launched! Please take a look. The same great workshop is offered for Verbal Abuse Defense but now the site is user-friendly, broken links are fixed, and you can identify with all the personal stories (or submit your own!).


Review the site now and recommend to anyone you know who needs help with abuse.

Learn about the Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S. and how to stop verbal, emotional, financial, sexual, and religious abuse.: "Verbal Abuse Defense FREE Online Workshop. The Verbal Abuse Defense Tutorial is designed to change the way you see abuse. You have nothing to lose, but humiliation, dependency, and fear."



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Sunday, March 13, 2016

A Mini Lesson in Right and Wrong in Abusive Relationships

A mini lesson in right and wrong in abusive relationships.


Abusive Relationships: "The abuser The abusing person may have particular characteristics, such as: Believing they are always right (and others are wrong)."

Yes, abusers often believe they are right and you are wrong--but then you believe you are right and they are wrong!

Got news for you--it's relative. Take the right and wrong out of the relationship equation--replace it with what works. What works for you is right for you, what works for them is right for them. But if what works for them is NOT right for you, only you can change that equation. You have the right to be wrong.

An abusive partner will insist that you are wrong (it doesn't matter about what--you are just wrong) and that you must "admit" that and conform to their version of the issue. You can go along to get along, but with a real abuser, the next week they are likely to reverse their position and claim you don't remember what they said. They insist you do one thing this week and then the opposite the next and you are always wrong in their eyes. That is how it works. You can not logic with them or please them because they will make you wrong no matter what.

So how do you change them? You don't. How do you make them see what they have done? You don't. How can you prove that they told you the opposite last week? You can't. This is abuse.

Is there a way to protect yourself? Yes, many ways--but it doesn't involve changing them. It is centered in setting boundaries and enforcing them. For this lesson, forget right and wrong--YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE WRONG. Let them know this--get the message across that they can be right all they want and make you wrong in their eyes--but that the right and wrong message won't work on you any longer because even if you are wrong (they won't be convinced otherwise) you have that right.


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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Kesha's Response To The Dr. Luke Contract Verdict Takes Time To Thank her Fans

This is one of those deals where you don't know the truth--a he said, she said kind of thing. However I tend to believe Kesha. Of course it could be an act... but as Hilary says, we should believe the woman. I do feel bad for her and yet she has a lot of support. Each of us that has been abused has more support than we know. Look for it!

Kesha's Response To The Dr. Luke Contract Verdict Takes Time To Thank her Fans — PHOTO | Bustle: "Additionally, at the time the allegations came to light in October 2014 — Kesha filed a lawsuit against Gottwald accusing him of sexual and verbal abuse — Gottwald to countersued Kesha in response, claiming it was a tactic on the singer's part to get out of her contract. As the complaint in his suit read, "As part of the effort to get out of the Gottwald Recording Agreement, Kesha and Pebe have also orchestrated a campaign of publishing false and shocking accusations against Gottwald to extort Plaintiffs into letting Kesha out of the Gottwald Recording Agreement.""



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Friday, February 5, 2016

New Campaign After Words Aims To Erase Verbal Abuse Among Singaporean Couples For Good

Here is and experiment in verbal abuse in Singapore--unfortunately it just shows a couple arguing--arguing and a little aggression is not verbal or emotional abuse as we know it. I think the young people who put this together don't understand what real abuse is---that demands those who live in terror and crisis and put downs all the time.

This may clarify why others don't really understand those of use trying to prevent real abuse--they don't get it because they don't understand what it really is. This experiment to expose abuse is actually showing us why many don't get it...interesting videoAfter Words, take a look


New Campaign After Words Aims To Erase Verbal Abuse Among Singaporean Couples For Good: "the hilarious Laneway prank."



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Monday, January 18, 2016

Quote from St Maarten about letting people hurt us

Wonder where we heard this before? Wehn people drain you-abuse you, misuse you, it you who let them in. It's sad that we have to build walls from the ones we love, but once we start letting them hurt us (even unknowingly teach them to hurt us) we must learn not to let their mean selves in to hurt us further.

Quotes About Blaming Others (30 quotes): "“There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.”
― Anthon St. Maarten"



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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Three New Graduates in the New Year

Three more graduates! Each are beginning a new awareness for the New Year. In this class we had two women and a guy and we give them all the thumbs up.
Here are a few words from each excerpted fromt their lessons.

First was Janet. She picked three pretty good afirmations to help in her new thought patterns:
    I don't have to answer questions asked of me
    I can respond calmly
    I'm not responsible for fixing other peoples problems.

When she received her certificate she wrote,
Thanks I have been working with this stuff for a while, always looking for a little bit more.  Ever improving. Have taken on board 'bitterness' big time. Major taskŠ. Gather the courage to create the life I wantŠ.. Is my biggest obstacle still, so GREAT BIG THANK YOU!
Our next Graduate was Ronald. He is saddened by his partner's lack of committment and answered this as an example of his idea closure:
We part ways in good terms. No hard feelings. Forgive and forget, to move on. We can only make ourselves happy. Closure with in, for me means you've tried every possible way to make things right. You are left ultimately to make the decision for yourself. You yourself closes and opens yourself to everything.
This is my first experience ever, in a relationship, Im saddened that the reality is that {my partner}, has been abusive all these years, he has been ignoring me for a month now...I feel like I'm the only one at fault.
Our final graduate is Mary. her answer to  "How should you respond to verbal abuse?." was brief but insightful:
Yes, it makes sense that it takes two participants. If you do not accept the behavior, then how will the behavior continue.
Congradualtions in starting the New Year with new ideas of self-respect! 

Friday, January 8, 2016

Teenagers increasingly assaulting, abusing their parents

I've often thought that the trend toward indulging kids with everything and fulfilling their every whim would simply not make them into nice people. I don't know if it is what causes them to be hellions, but I do know that when there are no consequences for bad behavior, you get more bad behavior. I hope this has not happened in your family. Read the article below and ask yourself if this is a problem in your home?

Teenagers increasingly assaulting, abusing their parents: "Teenagers are increasingly emotionally and physically abusing their parents, lashing out when they don't get their way or are denied something.

Family psychologists and researchers have identified an increase in the number of cases of parents being abused by their kids, which they attribute to the sense of entitlement with which children grow up today."



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