Monday, August 22, 2016

2 new graduates Michele and Piet

Michele is the same one who shared in our last blog--she has taken her time and given some of the most thoughtful answers Dr. Marshall and I have received. Sometimes people fly right through the tutorial and the lessons are not absorbed as well, so when you take the course, remember Michele and take your time.

Michele told us how she looks at detachment:
Detachment is the ability to get on with my life without letting my spouse's bad behaviour negatively affect me. It's not about being mean to someone else; instead, it's about me learning to not participate in "the dance."
Then a young man, Piet, is dealing with his female partner and had this to share:
It's when you stop focusing on your narcissistic partner trying to change them or humour them, and start focusing on yourself and the wounds your partner has helped you to identify within yourself and to start working on healing your wounds and become a whole independent person.
Good share, Piet. Piet also answered why it is not a good idea to let them treat us badly:
We are perpetuating their bad behaviour if we do this which will ultimately harm them and destroy them. It is better to treat them with respect and never give them a reason to say that we deserve their bad treatment as we treat them similarly or even worse.
Congratulations to both this month's graduates Michele S. and Piet P. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

How to spot verbal abuse and take action |

Here's an article on how to deal with abuse in your partner--this is a woman who has recently tried to deal with her partner with a bit of success. Unfortunately, she still doesn't quite get the picture. Why am I pointing you to this article? So you can evaluate for yourself what isn't working in this--Hint: Telling them how their actions make you "feel" gives them more power! So as you read this, look for what she has discovered does work, and look for what doesn't. If you took the tutorial, this is a bonus lesson--if you didn't go over now and sign up for it!.

How to spot verbal abuse and take action | Columns | "Questions that victims of verbal abuse can begin to ask are: “What do you mean by that?" “What are you trying to achieve with that remark?” And later, if they are at receptive, tell them how it makes you feel. The more you don’t take their behavior personally (as a result of the blame that is placed on you) and the more you practice not reacting, the more you will feel empowered."

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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

How to deal with domestic abuse -Getting Doctors involved

Mor and more articles are now dealing with abuse--verbal and emotional. Many professionals still do not actually understand the difference between violence and abuse. They have support groups where the people are combined which is a huge mistake. Domestic violence is different from Abuse in that it must be handled quite differently. If it is not, the target could be in a lot of trouble. this post (below) talks about getting your doctor involved--that is good when it comes to violence but emotional abuse? most doctors would be lost, unless it was their specialty.  The complete post referenced below is good--but predictable.
How to deal with domestic abuse - The Jakarta Post: "Abusers know how to control and manipulate you. When there is another person involved who they cannot control, they will start to feel less powerful. Sometimes it is better to get a doctor involved, as they can refer you to the right support groups that have experience with domestic abuse. You can even meet other domestic abuse victims and survivors to share stories and get support.  "

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Sunday, July 31, 2016

How Letting Them Hurt You Actually Hurts Them

Sometimes I use examples from our workshop participants to illustrate points and create lessons--and once in a while we get such a great detailed answer that I have to share the whole thing.Recently we have had a participant of the tutorial answer the questions, "Explain why we are actually hurting another by giving them everything they want and by allowing them to be mean to us."

The answer was so profound that I decided to share it with all of you. Michele is taking her time with the tutorial and trying to absorb the principles  behind what Dr. Marshall and I teach. Her answer is a lesson in itself--Please take the time to read her response to this questions and see if it makes sense to you:
We can be hurting people by giving them everything they want. We can be spoiling them, enabling them or helping them become bad people.
Because I'm a "helper" (one who worked in social services), this concept was and is so hard for me to understand that I quoted the answer from the article, to help me focus. I had to remind myself of something I was once told by someone who heard me talking to my husband. "Be nice.", my father said. I replied, "But, I'm right!". He said, "Yes, and be nice." Finally, I'm starting to understand. Being nice and being right are not on opposite sides of the spectrum. Okay, I can be nice while not enabling.
I have often been guilty of enabling abuse. As I started to truly understand the concept of the GR, the easiest example I could come up with in real life is with potty training the puppy. If we allow the cute puppy to do whatever they want without consequence and then they jump on guests and pee on the floor, they become a grown-up, not-so-cute dog that no one wants to be around. If we help the puppy learn to control her behaviour, (pee outside and greet guests appropriately) then they're a "good dog".
People aren't the same as dogs, but some things are comparable. If we allow someone to be mean and abuse us, then we're not helping them control their behaviour and they learn to use abuse to get what they want. We're hurting that person because, in the future no one will want to be around them.
This was the second part of the lesson: "Give an example from your relationship where your partner is bullying you, and you remain "nice" without rewarding and putting up with his bad behavior." 
He talks to the dog instead of me when he's giving me the silent treatment. I used to get mad at his disrespectful behaviour, asking that he speak to me and then when he didn't, I'd freak and shriek. Basically, I'd get myself worked up because he paid more attention to the pet than he does to me. Ugh. I don't need him to speak to me to know that I'm important, but his  behaviour's still rude.
I knew that my show of anger wasn't going to change things, so I tried changing my behaviour. At first, I tried not reacting, just waiting until he got over it, as long as he was "not speaking" to me. For eleven days, he didn't initiate a conversation. I answered every direct question and only spoke to him if I needed to. Finally, I had to sit him down and explain that while I can probably live like that for the next four years, it isn't good for either of us. I started asking how he was feeling and generally showed an interest in him, modelling the behaviour I'd like him to show me. He stopped "not speaking" to me.
Now, when he starts giving me the silent treatment. I change my reaction. I don't need him to talk to me; sometimes it's more peaceful when he's quiet, lol. So, as long as I don't need to consult with him for something, I'll read or go for a walk until I figure he isn't angry. Then, since he often says things like, "I don't know how to talk to you...", I'll begin a conversation.
I'm no longer trying to teach him anger management - since it hasn't worked in 20 years, it won't work now. Instead, I'm using my skills to manage my own emotions.
So let us know what you think of how Michele has come to understand that being "nice" to an abuser is not nice at all.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Verbal abuse at the root of many of society's problems

This article talks about verbal abuse going way beyond just yelling obscenities. They certainly understand the Miracle Principle! This is my favorite sentence from this great article"
It’s knowing you have choices in life and when someone says something ugly or hurtful to you, you can choose to be offended or not offended.
See that? YOU can choose--never forget this one simple fact can save you so many years of pain. The article is well worth reading:
Verbal abuse at the root of many of society's problems: "Verbal abuse is not just someone yelling obscenities at you, it is the lack of communication skills. It’s a mother telling her son to wash her car and wondering why he expects to be paid. It’s being TOLD to do something.  It’s being BULLIED by your parents, an action that causes you to turn to food or your iPhone for comfort. It’s a marriage falling apart because the couple doesn't don’t know the key to living in harmony is saying, “Thank You,” “I appreciate your help.”"

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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Monica Lewinsky at TED Talks - Neighbors at War!

As journalist and author Ward Lucas recommends, "Please, please take the time to watch Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. Then apply it to your own life."

Monica Lewinsky at TED Talks - Neighbors at War!: "Please, please take the time to watch Monica Lewinsky’s TED talk. Then apply it to your own life"

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Saturday, June 11, 2016

Amber Heard Just Accused Johnny Depp Of More Abuse In A New Lawsuit

I don't don't don't want to believe this about Johnnie Depp!!!! Yet if he truly is an alcoholic/addict who can't stay clean and sober, then well, it's probably true. I don't know, of course--I can only speculate--heck I don't know if he abuses drugs at all. but if he does, then I would believe his wife--and I totally understand going back to an abuser! You keep thinking if they stop drinking, if you could be loving enough, if they picked you over the drug--then the abuse would stop.

Understand this Amber, you can never be good enough or loving enough to make him change, if indeed this is what is going on. Learn to respect yourself enough that you won't stand for this kind of treatment from anyone.

Amber Heard Just Accused Johnny Depp Of More Abuse In A New Lawsuit: "Heard repeatedly returned to Depp, despite his verbal and physical mistreatment of her, hoping optimistically that the man she married would change his behavior… Each time Heard returned, however, within months, the cycle of substance abuse and violence repeated…"

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