Saturday, December 21, 2013

OH no! a mistake on the Tutorial!

Emily M was taking the FREE tutorial online to learn how to stop abuse when she noticed that several of our links were not working in Section 3. Sure enough, the outside website had taken them down. She was kind enough to write in and let us know because you really can't answer the questions without those links from Bullies 2 Buddys. A few participants stopped at Section 3 and I wondered why--this may be the reason. For those of you who noticed the nonfunctional links, please go back to Section 3 and do it again. Its worth it!
What are the Rules?: "For clarification we want you to study the Bullies 2 Buddies website and understand how you can take away the power of your abuser and still be "nice" to him or her. It is by using the Golden Rule. Read this article: The True Meaning of the Golden Rule: Love Your Bullies
At first the article might not seem related to what you want to know. It is, so read to the end. The principle behind this is rooted in science. You might say, "But the article says to be nice to the bully and you tell us not the reward your partner for bad behavior--isn't that the same?" No--we never want to bully back. And being "nice" doesn't mean you have to do what they say or allow them to call you names and say ugly things about you. "

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Friday, December 20, 2013

Marriage Experiment: Better to Be Right Than Happy |

I once wrote an article for Venture Inward describing an incident on a plane where an older couple had my seat. I didn't mind and I wasn't going to ask them get up--(I didn't care where I sat) but I did insist that they admit they had my seat. The wife got extremely upset while the husband eventually apologized. the point is, I got a negative reaction from many readers that it is better to be happy than right! I however disagree--I think reality, truth, admitting when we are wrong is much more likely to lead to happiness for everyone concerned.

They did a study in New Zealand, trying to find if a husband would just agree with his wife, whether he really agreed or not, would lead to a better marriage. Thinking of what we teach at Respect-me rules--what would you guess the answer to be? The wife didn't now what the experiment was about--and as the husband continued to agree and acquiesce to her will, he  became more and more depressed. She became even more demanding and intrusive!

Why would she get "power hungry" so to speak? If you took the free tutorial and used our workbook, you would know that whatever behavior you reward, you get more of. By agreeing with his wife even when he didn't, he rewarded her every whim. Then he got more of her whims shoved at him--it is human (and chimpanzee behavior). The researchers of this study " also noted that this was further proof that if given too much power, humans tend to “assume the alpha position and, as with chimpanzees, they become very aggressive and dangerous.” 

Remember that when you reward bad behavior you get more of it. If he yells and you try to be nicer to get him to stop, he's going to yell more often, not be nicer. that is reality. Read about the study here:

Marriage Experiment: Better to Be Right Than Happy | "The study was set up to examine the old marriage advice about whether it’s more important to be happy or to be right. Couples therapists sometimes suggest that in a bid to avoid constant arguments, spouses weigh up whether pressing the point is worth the misery of marital discord. The researchers, who are doctors and professors at the University of Auckland, noticed that many of their patients were adding stress to their lives by insisting on being right, even when it worked against their well-being."
 So they found a couple who were willing to record their quality of life on a scale of 1 to 10. They told the man, who wanted to be happy more than right, about the purpose of the study and asked him to agree with every opinion and request his wife had without complaint, even when he profoundly didn’t agree. The wife was not informed of the purpose of the study and just asked to record her quality of life

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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Relationship Math: Love = Respect |

Really good site I want to share--especially the title loveisrespect! Check out the whole site and read one of my favorite articles:
Relationship Math: Love = Respect | "A healthy relationship is based on trust, honesty, respect and equality. It is important that both people have an equal say in the relationship, therefore if one person is unhappy they have the right to end the relationship, whether their partner likes it or not. If you are not happy in your relationship, you don't owe anyone anything, it's ok to end it and we can help you do that safely!"
Its for the younger crowd and dating, but the principles apply to us all.
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Sunday, December 8, 2013

No Abuse Excuses this Holiday Season

I'm blogging about my own article today. This is new--a few tips about how to not allow abuse in your life during this holiday season.

No Abuse Excuses this Holiday Season: "We are in the middle of the holidays and for many of you that means being in the middle of the roller coaster of abuse intensified by the season's stresses. Wouldn't it be nice not to feel stuck with a scrooge this year? Or a holiday Nazi? Wouldn't it be nice not to be in a defensive mode around the clock and hoping that your partner's good mood lasts just a little longer. Nice to know that you won't have to cancel plans at the last minute because your partner gets a hard on for someone or something—most likely you? Wouldn't it be nice to get through a holiday season without the accusations, guilt, or silent treatment? "


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Friday, December 6, 2013

How to Spend Time with a Family Member Who Talks Down to You

You do not have to spend time with a family member who abuses you not matter what the family tradition is. If year after year you allow someone to make you feel bad during the holidays, who is to blame them or you? It is so very difficult to loo at our-self and say, "I allow this person to treat me badly because________" Only we can stop someone from taking advantage of us--only we can break ugly family patterns that involve us. Below is a blog that gives some great tips on how to stop this destructive pattern--and it doesn't involve blaming them! Don't blame this holiday season, nothing changes when you  blame others. Learn to stop the abuse--you can do it.
How to Spend Time with a Family Member Who Talks Down to You - Forgiveness & Freedom |Forgiveness & Freedom: "There’s good news. It doesn’t always have to be like that.
But you must, yes, you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
No more whining about your parent. If you don’t like their behavior stand up to them and make different choices.
Look at your excuses – they’re familiar – you’ve probably been using them for years.
“I have to put up with it because she/he has no one else.”
“I have to put up with the behavior and go visit again because that’s how it’s always been and mom will be so disappointed in me.”
Hard question: Is it more important for your health for your mom to be disappointed in you or for you to continue to be disappointed in yourself because you haven’t found the courage to stand up for yourself?"
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Monday, December 2, 2013

Celebrate #GivingTuesday |

After the insanity of Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the upcoming Broke Wednesday--we need a break. The United Nations foundation started a great counter to this--called Giving Tuesday.

Although codependents (oops, did I label my readers?) are already known for being particularly giving, its nice to see a day set aside for this amid the holiday commercialism. Take a minute to read this and ask yourself what your "community giving" is this season. If you don't have money, then think about volunteering your time. Many kitchens for the less fortunate may need your help. Or become the bell ringer in front of the Big Box stores. Don't let this season go by without giving back to your community--

Whatever your family trouble now--serving others will always bring good back to you. Read about Giving Tuesday" here.

Celebrate #GivingTuesday | The White House: "#GivingTuesday builds on the American tradition of giving back but uses technology to give this greater impact. This commemoration does not seek to coordinate funds toward any particular nonprofit or to direct volunteers to support a specific cause. Instead, #GivingTuesday is intended to encourage Americans to reflect and give back. It’s a collective moment for individual and community action."

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