Sunday, January 30, 2005

Less Provocative Pic up/Green River Killer

OK Mom, I took down the one that had the bare shoulders and put up just my face. Now no one can "imagine" that I am naked!

By the way, did you see "Reeling in the Killer" about the Green River Killer on 28th on Dateline? I bet you missed the most significant part in relation to stopping abuse NOW in your life, didn't you? Gary Ridgeway's second wife was choked by Gary from behind at one time. She was not a co-dependent or caught in the cycle of abuse because she did not keep his secret! She told her Dad, mom and friends that her husband had tried to kill her. Guess what? Years later when caught by the police, he told them that he indeed wanted to kill Marcia, his second wife. There was only one reason he did not stage her death, he explained. Because she told so many people, he deduced they would suspect that him and he might get caught. Wow. Telling the "secret" saved Marcia's life. Will it save yours?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Deepak Chopra’s 9 Principle's of Conflict Resolution

These are from Deepak and are worth reading because they can be applied to a relationship too.

9 Principles for Conflict Resolution and Peace Negotiations as follows:

1. Agree that you will treat each other respectfully.

2. Recognize each side feels victimized by a sense of injustice.

3. Be ready to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

4. Refrain from belligerence.

5. Practice emotional intelligence.

6. Recognize that the other side may have values different

from yours or foreign to you.

7. Don't make the other side appear wrong.

8. Refrain from bringing in discussions about ideology.

9. Recognize fear as a factor on both sides.

I think we can apply this to our relationships too. However, abuse is never a conflict to be worked out in a relationship. Abuse is to be stopped, period. A conflict is when two people disagree and work on a mutually satisfying solution--abuse is not a disagreement--it is a violation of your rights. Go to our main site to learn how to stop it!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Warning Signs from Peaceful/Catholic look at Abusers

I love it when young people 'get it' years before we do. Wish I had known this at her age. Peaceful gives us a list of warning signs signs. If your boyfriend does any of these things, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Thank you peaceful. You stand a chance of enjoying the rest of your life.

Telling on the verbal abuser is an act of MERCY!

"the verbal harassment also damages the verbal abuser. Interestingly enough, Catholic teaching views wrong or evil acts as being even more damaging to the perpetrator than to the victim because the agent of a bad act is damaging his own moral nature and character (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1731, on the effect of our free acts). The victim is not making himself a bad person--he is suffering as an innocent party, just as Christ did. The verbal abuser, on the other hand, is making himself into a worse person every time he launches an attack on another's person, reputation, or life work. So to draw attention to the problem is a favor to the verbal abuser. In the language of the Church, drawing his attention to the problem is an act of mercy." This web log contains analysis on current Catholic issues by Oswald Sobrino, J.D., M.A.,

I love what he says!!!! Bravo Oswald.

Do sticks walk? A blog by grammajan

I found a blog by grammajan. What a gem. Jan doesn't mention any abuse issues, but she does write vignettes that reach inside and tweak one's vision giving the reader new perspecptive. Her work makes my spirit smile. Read about Maya--her daughter. (Do I relate, I named my girl "Karma.") and my personal favorite "Walking Sticks."

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Young Man Thinks I'm too provocative!

Just received a comment on my blog from a young man and it's making me think about a few things. He wrote: i must be very honest with you and say that the picture you have is a bit provocative for guys. I attend 12 step groups that help me with that specific problem, so the pic was kind of a shock for me... Hit me up if you ever change it so i can get to reading your material without being tempted to browse other sites...

Since this is a blog on abuse and I definately don't want to be abusive--I went to Dr. Carnes site to see if they explored us "provoking" sex addicts. They don't. I wonder if this is real? My picture (remember I'm 56), I felt was just really nice. I didn't put a laughing one up becasue this is a somber subject--domestic abuse. My main site Day By Day, is where my smiling pic is.
Smiling Pic

Is this like a rapist blaming the rape on the woman becasue she was

wearing provokative clothes? Like short shorts? Or am I truly

"enticing" young men. If I had a pic of me drinking a beer would that

be a trigger I should take down becasue of alcoholics, or eating a

donut--would that be abusive to the people from OA?

What do you think?

Friday, January 21, 2005

You want to know why we freak out to stay young looking?

My first husband emailed today. (I like his emails, they are always sweet and supportive). He asked me if I had had any "work done"--meaning cosmetically because I look a little different than I did 25 years ago. (Really?) He said I looked young. Well you bet your sweet bippy I've had work done, just as much as I can afford without causing myself to look like I've been caught in a wind tunnel.

I was at a 12-step meeting yesterday and mentioned this very thing. A woman at a Vegas meeting cried last week about aging. People weren't relating to her the way they did when she was younger. I hugged her after the meeting. We are sisters. I would give anything, I told the group, to 'accept' the swarm of wrinkles bubbling under and around my checks and eyes. I would love to find the emerging turkey neck a sign of maturity like all the old male newscasters have done. I would give anything to consider my Andy Rooney eyebrows as added character, stop weeding them daily, and just grow old gracefully.Rooney Yes I would, but the men in my life won't let me.
They say, "I love you just the way you are" and then fuck the babysitter.

You know why I can't revere this "new and wiser" aging me? You wonder why we cry in our self-help groups and lament the loss of our 20s 30s and even 40s--
because of you guys, that's why. It's because we find you beating off to pictures of 12 and 14 year olds in front of your computer. It's because you admire Donald Trump for marrying a women 24 years his Junior tomorrow.

I tried the online meeting your soul mate kind of thing--Sober Singles. I won't go into the long list of disabled, ptsd, misfits who contacted me (
however sweet they were, I don't want to be care-taking my soul-mate right out of the gate, thank you) but there was one who peaked my interest. We had a few good talks. Ted is 49, I'm 56. He liked my pic, I liked his. Our talks were informal, we have a lot in common, and we could banter in a fun way with each other. We wanted to meet. Then, he asked the fatal question, "How old are you?" Like the air going out of a balloon, I could hear the enthusiasm go out of his interest in me.

Don't wonder why. We want men in our lives and they want tight little bodies with long hair, little experience, and who might not notice the hash brown stains in their drawers (or make them think it doesn't matter). They want the 'short in the tooth' woman, we want them, so what do we do? We file our teeth, if we don't want to throw in the towel with those stained drawers when we do the laundry!

Thanks to Tribune Media Services for loan of Rooney pic.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Community Service for Abusers?

I found this old post from Lisa Cunningham regarding domestic abuse and love the idea of having the perpetrator paying for his behavior through community service. I don't think it will change them, but at least they are having to be repsonsible for their behavior.

She wrote: "Perhaps it would be better to consider community service orders, a fine on the offenders time, rather than monetary fines for cases of Domestic Abuse, especially those where the victim and offender have become, or are likely to become, reconciled with one another. This would ensure that only the offender pays for his or her crime, and not the victim and any dependants of the victim or offender. These simple measures might help to reduce the level of re-offending seen in Domestic Abuse cases and thus reduce the burden which these cases place on the judiciary system."

Thanks Lisa!

Better yet, why don't we stop abuse before it begins? Here clip from Coaching Boys into Men

"The boys in your life need your time and energy. Your son, grandson, nephew, younger brother. The boys you teach, coach and mentor. All need you to help them grow into healthy young men.

Here is a clip of a commerical you can listen to or link to your web. View the TV Spot by clicking here.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Bob Bowman Abuse Blog Leads to Discovery of Miracle Principle

I am beginning my first blog on December 13, 2004, for a story that began in the fall of 1996. (I know it's January but it took me this long to figure out how to post!) Fall of '96 is when I met my hero, Bob Bowman. He was the light of my life, which quickly burnt out during the honeymoon. Almost overnight, I became the target of his immense hostility (from where and why was never made clear) and I spent our brief marriage trying to bring back the hero who had courted me. The bast**d who married me was mean as the dickens--but the guy who courted me--I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with.

Comets are Comments from God

The Geminids streaked through the heavens on Dec 13 while I soaked deliciously in Mom's hot tub on the high desert, counting the flying embers as my eye caught the glowing trails. I like to think of comets as comments from my Higher Power. You know, you have a thought, a comet streaks through the heavens, God seems to be conferring with you.

I decided to count to 5 and call it a night. They were so pretty, I upped it to 10. Number 10 was so flashy and long-tailed that I decided to stay for 15. But 16 was a power ball that convinced me to stay for 25. Then comet number 22 burst through the darkness and took my breath away. It was a flaming green and yellow undulating dragon's eye, the likes of which I have never seen before. Christ, what if I had left at 5? Or 10? Or 15? I would have missed Divine Comment number 22, wouldn't I? I sat in the tub until my toes resembled bleached prunes, but no more 22s or even 16s appeared that night.

Being committed to an Abuser is like hoping for Comet 22

Every once in a while Bob would do something so magnanimous, that I could not drag myself away from the 'marriage dream.' All his hostility and down-right ugliness paled in the light of his Comet 22 behavior. It was rare for him to be really nice, nurturing, or attentive but when he did, it hooked me. Like hoping to see Comet 22, I always hoped for my hero to return to the marriage.

Yes, I'm writing a book. Began a self-help web site for abused ladies. Visit the website--join me on a journey of change and choice--let me introduce you to the secret I discovered about domestic abuse. It's called The Miracle Principle and once you understand this principle, a miracle will occur in your life and you will never have to be abused again.