Sunday, January 23, 2005

Young Man Thinks I'm too provocative!

Just received a comment on my blog from a young man and it's making me think about a few things. He wrote: i must be very honest with you and say that the picture you have is a bit provocative for guys. I attend 12 step groups that help me with that specific problem, so the pic was kind of a shock for me... Hit me up if you ever change it so i can get to reading your material without being tempted to browse other sites...

Since this is a blog on abuse and I definately don't want to be abusive--I went to Dr. Carnes site to see if they explored us "provoking" sex addicts. They don't. I wonder if this is real? My picture (remember I'm 56), I felt was just really nice. I didn't put a laughing one up becasue this is a somber subject--domestic abuse. My main site Day By Day, is where my smiling pic is.
Smiling Pic

Is this like a rapist blaming the rape on the woman becasue she was

wearing provokative clothes? Like short shorts? Or am I truly

"enticing" young men. If I had a pic of me drinking a beer would that

be a trigger I should take down becasue of alcoholics, or eating a

donut--would that be abusive to the people from OA?

What do you think?


  1. I am a sex addict too and I can tell you two things. First, the photo you posted IS provocative because you are very attractive, (being 56 doesn't have a damn thing to do with being attractive by the way. A woman can be attractive at any age)and the photo you posted makes seem like you are nude. It doesn't take much to make us sex addicts go off (pardon the pun)and this is why I personally do not think that attractive women like you are effective when it comes to dealing with sex addicts. (I am assuming that you help treat men, since not too many women are sex addicts). It is like trying to treat alcoholics while having a drink in front of them.

    Anyway... just thought I'd give you some perspective from the other side. By the way, I am not a young man.

  2. When I work with people I try to help them to understand that changing behavior without changing thought processes
    will result in conflict. When our desires and our behaviour are in conflict we will experience STRESS. Sress provides an excuse, "reason" to relapse. Relapse, (in my opinion) is not part of recoverey, it is part of the disease.

    NOTHING "provocative" about Your picture. YOU ARE GORGEOUS, SENSUOUS yupper. That isn't Your fault.
    The "Young Man" hasn't made a decision yet. Needs mto get a sponsor and LOOK at STEP ONE

    My suggestion to You is to have confidence in Yourself and Your motives. "Our" generation can remember some of the "Pearls" from the "Hippy" era. A couple of the ones I gleaned are:
    "Don't lay Your Shit on ME, Man!" and
    "It's all about Love, Man!"

    The Young man is trying to lay his shit on You. It isn't Yours. His failure to make a decision to recover instead of seeking to expand the audience for his "Drama" is not Your problem

    It is impossible to help people with their problems when oone of them is that they refuse to accept help with their problems.

    "Projection"......." Denial"

    The Young Man needs to talk to his Sponsor

    ...and dat's the truth!

    I just Love You! You are a Babe. Keep doing what Love would do. aka...being yourslf. Don't "Limp in front of the lame and deem it a kindness!"
    as ever,

  3. Hi Shelly

    You know Shelly triggers belong to the person that has to deal with them.
    My triggers (many) are not the same as other peoples.

    I chose to act or not act on my own triggers, the fact that we all have triggers makes it clear how intrusive dysfunctional behavior and thought is.

    Once I have the knowledge that some thing is a trigger to me it is my responsibility to change that tape and relieve my self of another burden that I have carried for years. tom

  4. Your photo on the site is reasonable but what is the message you are trying to convey. You are a good looking woman. The bare shoulders in the photo might lead some sick people to believe something else. Aparently your writer was inticed by your good looks and bare shoulders leaving him to his own imagineation. If you like the photo keep it... if not well you know. Domestic violence is a hard cat to bag. You know the cycle of abuse and an abuseviive home. Some times people who have had rough childhoods will be attracted to the same sort of mate that reminds them of a parent figure. Sub-consciencly we want to find a way to heal the origional hurt. Many victims remain victims in this cycle because of the mates their attracted to. Once trapped, many victims stay in the abuse because there they know what to expect. Somewhere else the unknown is often times worse than whay we know. Jim

  5. The issue is hot here in Ft. Smith a man
    killed his wife at a stoplight Friday morning.She was
    in a shelter and out taking the kids to school.A
    friend in the program works at the shelter.Pretty
    rough!Hey I'm at 13 1/2 months and loving it.

  6. that picure is a lot
    provocative eather for me I'm gay
    Your better change it and put some close
    Mau and Blair

  7. Shelly: You don't have to believe what that young man said. He's trying to suck you in sexually because he wants you to feel confused and guilty. That way he doesn't have to take responsibility for his addiction, you will. Your picture was obviously not of a nude woman, anyone could tell that by the spaghetti straps over your shoulders. As for provocative, he can see skimpier and much more exposure of bodies at many grocery stores than what your picture reveals. What you need to do is check to see how YOU feel in putting that picture up. If you feel good about exposing the dark places of your relationship that's all that counts. You're not obligated to protect anyone except yourself. If that means exposing Bob then that's what you must do. So long as you bring all the facts, don't put all the blame on him and work your own program you're coming from the right place. I believe the young man was trying to get an emotional reaction from you. He knows if he can suck you in you're not fully healed yet and he can still manipulate you. If you don't react he'll end up with his own buttons pushed and perhaps be that much closer to seeing the truth about his addiction. I say write him off as one of the boys in Bob's league, until he writes to tell you he's in recovery. What his reaction is telling me is that what you have done in creating this site will not only serve to help those who have been used for target practice, but it will also get the attention of many sex addicts as well. Perhaps God has led you in this direction to reach out to as many of them as possible, in a positive way. We must remember that they're his children as well, and He works in mysterious ways.

    Leah Solara

  8. Once naked is put in the mind then the photo looks naked. In fact that's all one can think of.


Please be respectful in how you use language.