Friday, December 18, 2015

7 Bible Verses About Verbal Abuse Or Violence

This is very interesting--most of the Bible verses are about violence--but 2 are about verbal abuse..I never thought to  check out the Bible for kverbal abuse. Read teh article--it is good to be well versed.

7 Bible Verses About Verbal Abuse Or Violence: "Words can certainly hurt. Some of the deepest wounds I ever got were from words. We can wound people deeply with our words and any time there is unwarranted verbal abuse, that is the same thing as doing violence to that person. Words can bring such misery and sorrow that people can bully someone into committing suicide so there really is the power of death and life in the tongue. "

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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

How to Handle Being Bullied as an Adult

I love this article on adult bullies (which is after all what verbal and emotional abuse it--bullying at its worse) I suggest reading the whole arcle--but my favoirt favoirte part is this about stop playing victim--that is what Respect Me Rules is all about.

How to Handle Being Bullied as an Adult: "Stop Playing the Victim

This tactic is an oldie, but a goodie: stop playing their victim. The bully singled you out because they see you as weak and vulnerable. As Gil explains, they look for someone with some kind of trait that they can exploit:

Bullies might go after the “short” girl, “fat” guy, “ugly” kid, etc. because they feel they can target the person in the area where they are the most insecure. Some bullies will target someone who they perceive to be an “alpha” (e.g. the popular girl, the good-looking guy, etc.) to boost their ego. This strategy serves a social purpose in that the bully is trying to establish power so nobody else will try to push them around.
Bullies are looking for people that are willing to submit to their power play. If you make it look like the bully’s actions and words don’t affect you, it ruins it for them. Try to keep your ego in check and let it all roll over you. For example:"

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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Trigger Points Anthology | Breaking the silence, Breaking the cycle of abuse

Looks like an amazing new book. This site is also seeking contributions of the stories of parental abuse--go see if you have something to contribute.

Trigger Points Anthology | Breaking the silence, Breaking the cycle of abuse: "Reading all these stories of amazing moms and dads working so hard to break the cycle of abuse is so incredibly powerful. Each conversation I have right now about this book ends the same way. The person turns to me and says:

“You know this book is going to change people’s lives right?”"

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Thursday, October 22, 2015

Verbal Abuse and Relationships--they can't stand to see you happy

Another interesting take on verbal abuse--TASNIM FAKIH, guest columnest, tells us that abusers can't stand to see others happy or succeeding. Maybe--I hadn't thought about that aspect much as I always look at the controlling factor. But maybe  they can't stand to see you happy. Her reason go into the peron's back ground and well, I hate the excuses "I was raised worng that's why I make bad chocies," kind of thing. But that is the prevailing opinion with the "experts" so who am I to argue? In all seriousness, this point of view is worth considering except one: she asks the target to leave the abusive reatlationship. With physical abuse, YES--you must. But with verbal abuse, it doesn't work that well.

Why? Becasue if you don't learn about your part in the abuse, you are doomed to get into another abusive relationship. Honest. Once you learn about the Miracle principle thorugh the book, Respect Me Rules

you can extract yourself emotionally and demand the respect you deserve. However--we need to consider all views. Read the article below.

The Michigan Journal | Verbal Abuse and Relationships: "Verbal abusers hate seeing others happy, especially their significant other. It kills them inside to see them succeeding, or doing anything that makes them happy. They may crush their hopes and dreams by repeating negative things to have their victim questioning every single thing they are doing. They want to make sure that they feel above and better than their victim and create all kinds of different obstacles to keep them from becoming better. When asked why they say and do what they do, the answer may be because they care and want the best for them."

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Saturday, October 17, 2015

Congradulations-2 more Verbal Abuse Defense Certificates given

We had a couple more graduates this week on the tutorial. Both of the people who participated had thoughtful answers. I want to share a couple with with you.

First from Shelly K. who  shared a definition of the Miracle Principle:
The miracle principle is simple. It basically means that as a victim or target, you need to have enough respect for yourself to not allow the abuse.
The miracle principle sound simple but peole often let it slip though their mind--but basically it takes two to dance and one stops dancing, the dance ends.

Then we had a graduate who was not taking the tutorisl becasue of her partner, but her parents. Maja M. read the story about Kathy and told us why she thought Kathy let the realtionship go so far that it ended in death.
I think she cared about him and was invested in the relationship. She wanted to see the best in him and brushed off his abusive behavior little by little and over time got used to it until it went too far. She got accustomed to the treatment and maybe her self-esteem degraded and she didn't have the courage to leave, but she adapted to the maltreatment that she didn't see how bad it was.
It is not easys to look at one's self and both these women were brave in finishing the lessons...

A lot of folks begin the lessons but drop out before the final lesson. It is very difficult to change our mind about abuse, but changing our mind is the first step in changing abuse.

If you know anyone that may benefit--remember it is free. It is an introduction to the work of Dr. Marshall and myslef.

Remember you do not have to be a target any longer.

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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

'Girls' star Lena Dunham quits Twitter due to 'verbal abuse' |

Interesting story and I'm conflicted. Is it Lena stopping the abuse by stopping twitter? Or is it Lena running away fromt eh abuse--Obviously you can't "stop" twitter abuse becasueyou ahve no control over may be a case of self respect, or it may be a case of running away and not learning to deal with it..its a tough call. The comments were very interesting here--they seem to be abusive too!

FYI--I don't know what 'girls' is or who Lena is, just caught my eye about the
Twitter Abuse! Interesting read.

Girls' star Lena Dunham quits Twitter due to 'verbal abuse' | Las Vegas Review-Journal: "Dunham explained that she could no longer handle seeing the mean-spirited comments directed at her statements and photos, particularly referencing a recent Instagram of her in a sports bra and her boyfriend, Jack Antonoff's, boxers.

"It wasn't a graphic picture," she said. "I was wearing men's boxers, and it turned into the most rabid, disgusting debate about women's bodies."

Dunham also told Swisher that she'd stopped reading blogs Gawker and Jezebel for the same reason, saying "it's literally, if I read it, it's like going back to a husband who beat me in the face — it just doesn't make any sense.""

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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Verbal Abuse Prevention Week in the spotlight

This verbal abuse prevention week is in Canada--but I htink we need one here. Who can find a free week and mark us for this?

Verbal Abuse Prevention Week in the spotlight thanks to Islander - Prince Edward Island - CBC News: " mark Verbal Abuse Prevention Week in the hopes of tackling bullying.

Tami Martell, who has started Verbal Abuse Prevention Canada as a not-for-profit group based on P.E.I., wants provincial officials to take action."

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Friday, September 18, 2015

This Guy Just Changed The Way We See Beauty And The Beast.

This is great. Beauty and the Beast--classic abuser story. Here one of teh commentors (page 3 I think) gives us a new look at a classic sotry--I think I agree with him..except that the "beast" was only 11 when it began. never the less, it shows the dance in the abusive cycle. This was written by one of the commenters, PepsiVCoke

This Guy Just Changed The Way We See Beauty And The Beast. Mind Blown.: "So there's one little problem with this theory. Adam, also known as the beast, is turned into a beast in the first place due to his selfishness. As the beast, he only further proves that he has a bad temper, and is actually somewhat abusive towards Belle. First, he takes her prisoner instead of her father. Then he tries to force her to come out of her room to eat with him after separating her from the only family she's ever known. He absolutely loses it when she breaks his rules, and causes her to run away. One could actually metaphorically say he throws her to the wolves, which is symbolized in the actual wolves in the woods. The personality change is a classic abuser tool. The abused decides to leave, and suddenly the abuser becomes different. They try to convince the abused that they love them, and that they can change. The abused gets pulled back in, only to find his or herself in the same situation once again. So before talking about how poor, poor Prince Adam is ostracized, try looking at the facts. His behavior is totally indicative of an abuser, and Belle, in this case, is the abused. Try again."

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Monday, September 14, 2015

Schoolgirl football referee asks parents to stop verbal abuse

A teenage girl who "gets" it!!! Yea. WE need more of these--please read her story below.

Schoolgirl football referee asks parents to stop verbal abuse | UK news | The Guardian: "She was called a “fucking disgrace” and told “you don’t know what you’re fucking doing” when she did not allow a goal because a shot rebounded off the bar but did not, as far as she could tell, cross the line."

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Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Difference between and abuser and being abusive

This is the wierdest love advice column I have ever read! This guy Eppy has a unique take on verbal abuse--OK for a guy to be abusive because it doesn't last long, but being an abuser is a no-no! Well, in our work, we think any abuse is unnecessary and you do not have to stand for any of it--not from abusers or those "just" being abusive--read his column--stupid!

After verbal abuse comes physical abuse | Health And Family, Lifestyle Features, The Philippine Star | "There is a difference between an abusive person and an abuser.  Abusive persons are those who sometimes hurt others because they cannot control their aggressive impulse at times.  But most of the time, they can control their aggression and live intimately with others peacefully.  There would be spurts of aggression, which slips out especially during stress.  However, it can be controlled within a few seconds or minutes.  Anyone you meet and everybody you know can be abusive, but they are not abusers."

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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

In Recovery Magazine Dec 5, 2015 | A conference at sea!

I love the folks at InRecovery Magazine. This Cruise looks to be fun and inspiring. There are meetings and workshops hand picked by the people at InReocvery and it sounds fabulous!  Entertainment inlcudes  Recovery Films, Comedy Show, Meetings, Special ‘In This Life’ Tours, swimming with stingrays and sharks plus great snorkeling, other entertainment, dancing, and  LOTS of FUN-FUN-FUN. Looking for something different this Dec? I reccomend this getaway and the people sponsoring it.

This is particulary good for growth in your relationships--several workshops that look promising are: Andi Abad, LPC, NCC, BCPC will be presenting on WORTHY OF LOVE

and Gigi Veasey, LCSW, LISAC, CCBT will be presenting workshops on the days they are out at sea on Stress Management, The 4 Gifts of Grief, and Balance.

Sounds like something that would enhance a your Christmas season.

In Recovery Magazine Dec 5, 2015 | For all your Sober Travel Needs: " Recovery Films, Comedy Show, Meetings, Special ‘In This Life’ Tours

(swim with stingrays and sharks plus great snorkeling),

Entertainment, Dancing, Great Food & LOTS of FUN-FUN-FUN"

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense--Our Summer Graduates Share

We have a lot of graduates this summer inlcuding a few guys. Of course verbal and emtional abuse is not just men on women but women onmen and memn on men and women on women--it is a relationship thing, isn't it? A "thing" that can be stopped as many of our new graduates are learning. Here are a couple of messages from past graduates:

Thank you so much!  I have learned so much throughout this and your course was a great eye opener as well. God bless you, Susanne
 Thank you! I got the book Respect Me Rules, and it has been so very helpful. I plan to read it regularly to remind myself what to look for and how to respond. Thanks again. Gina

It was different this summer because for some reason lots of our participants seemed to get this one wrong: Which question is the most important if you really want to change?

"Why?" Was the most common answer. The correct answer is "How." It doesn't really matter why you want to change--mostly it is becasue your life isn't working out well allowing your mate to abuse you. If you know HOW to change, and implement it, then you make progress. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Here are our graduates who earned their Certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense along with some of their more memerable answers inteh tutorial to share with you.

Congrats to Cheri S. who answered when asked staying or moving on: I feel you have a choice either to stay and live with or leave and move on. Yes in my opinion takes two to have any form of conversation whether it be abusive or not. AS long as you stay you are giving consent to the abuser to verbally abuse you one way or another. When you stay in the relationship you will a respond to what ever is being said to you.

Jenny S t alked about retribution as a way to find closure: I would get more satisfaction out of Retributive of course; but for my kids sake, and to not have any regrets in the long run, my style would be more Conceptual. I just want him to understand what he is doing and the harm he is causing.

Our guys seemed to have as much if not more insight into their part in abuse than the ladies! Fin gave a very insightful response to the Kathy story:  He said that she let it go so far because of

"Fear, Guilt, Lack of Self Worth, Inability to see the whole picture, lack of support. Unwillingness to acknowledge the seriousness of the abuse.

Euphoric recall.” Her mind’s ability to split reality into two separate entities, positive and negative.

No ability to see reality as a whole, her good judgement and decision making could not occur. Kathy quickly lost her support system. Hope that it would get better.

Kathy was not aware of community resources and she did not plan for the abuse to occur again.

She saw each episode as an isolated incident that she believed (and naively hoped) that it would never occur again. She gradually gave up more and more of her control over her own life. She even turned her business over to her husband.

Fin nailed it!

Our other male participant gave a new look at the sentence complettion portion, The goal of the target is to move the focus from "How badly they treat me" to*: Am I going to allow them to take my power? Great answer, Don!

He also had a good answer regarding "detachment": It's to allow yourself freedom from the abuser and walking away realizing you deserve much better. You owe yourself a life and only you can ensure that you have one.

Don T is so right. We do oue ourselves a life!

Ashley C was anotehr graduate who said this about closure, "Conceptual, because i don't like leaving without explanation and having feelings "resolved".  I like it to be conceptual on both sides, no-hard feelings, try to stay as friends.

And Heather H is our final graduate this August. When answering why we are actually hurting another by giving them everything they want, she wrote "because we are letting them be abusers and not helping them practice coping skills and healthy self control."

We support you all in the new life that you start today by learning to demand respect, the respect you deserve.


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Friday, August 14, 2015

How do you "Not Allow" Abuse?

We often get responses in the Tutorial that basically say, "It's not that easy, we have kids, he pays the bills..." in other words, learning to respect myself and enforcing boundaries can't be done with me because it is too complicated. 

Here is what Karen wrote and how we are trying to break her out of the
Easier said than done. Yes, the answers make sense but they are so hard to
utilize. By the time I realized I was being abused I had lost my
support system (he has turned all friends and family against me) so I
have no one to talk to about his behavior, he is relentless and if I
hang up on him or ignore him he gets more and more mad. We have 2
children together so I cannot completely ignore him or he takes it
out on the kids.
Hi Karen,
Welcome to the tutorial--I see you are taking this seriously. You wrote: By the time I realized I was being abused I had lost my support system (he has turned all friends and family against me) so I have no one to talk to about his behavior, he is relentless and if I hang up on him or ignore him he gets more and more mad. We have 2 children together
so I cannot completely ignore him or he takes it out on the kids."

Please finish the tutorial--this is only a beginning and it took you a long to get to this place and it takes awhile to work our mind out of it. One of our problems is that we trap ourselves in these little boxes--its called the "Yes buts" Whatever is suggested we
agree and can see it but say "Yes but in our case it is different because..." and we can't break free. This program of Respect Me Rules is designed to help you think outside the box. 

Once you do break free, you will look back and wonder why you thought you had to appease his whims and put up with the abuse. That day will come for you. Right now you still have all the inner dialog that tells you it is impossible to handle because of this and that and that-the kids, his anger, your dependency on him.

You also put a question mark on " how badly will I allow myself to be treated?" Yes that is the ocrrect answer and yes you have allowed this to happen--BECAUSE you are a good person. Of course the book goes more into depth about why we get there. You won't  change him. Ever. You can only change yourself and as a result of that he may or may not get better. As far as the kids. OK so you tell yourself that you take the abuse so he won't go after the kids. 

They are being abused whether it is you he does this to or them. Because abusing you is abusing them. Right now you are a victim because you see yourself that way. Become the target and learn how to stop allowing him to target you. Unless of course you think it
is better to spend the rest of your life as a target and making excuses on why you can't break free.

Karen--your road is a rough one, but you can take care of yourself. I look forward to seeing the rest of your tutorial. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Safety Tips that Woman should know

This came off facebook and sort of resembles those spam emails. It was reported that this was written "by a cop." I don't know about that and this has circulated around the Internet. But I don't care who wrote it, it is good advice! Read and pass along.

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one's life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

 1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

 2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.

 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

 4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

 5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

 6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

 7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then,
it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

 9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird.. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door..' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

 10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

 Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on
This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted when they profiled
the serial killer in Louisiana

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Dear Abby: Wife suffers increasing pain from man's verbal abuse

Here'a an articleabut verbal abuse for Dear Abbly--normally I like her advice but this is the wrost-

1. She's called a "victim."

2. Yes, she cannot "fix" him but there is somone she can fix.

3. She is told to contact the Domestic Violence group in her area--what you do with violence is substantially different than verbal and emotional abuse..

We still have a lot of work to change the minds of those who are targets and the experts who help them. WE are TARGETS not victims. We FIX ourselves, not them. WE don't have to leave or hide--we can demand reapect within the relationship.

Dear Abby: Wife suffers increasing pain from man's verbal abuse: "I love Ken, and life can be normal at times, but once he thinks I'm getting out from under his thumb, his destructive behavior begins. He treats me like his worst enemy. The pain is becoming unbearable. One minute he tells me he loves me, and the next he is punishing me for not coming home from the store on time."

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Saturday, August 1, 2015

Continued domestic abuse facilitated by post-separation contact

It has long been considered the right thing to do to allow fthers access tot ehir children not matter what happened between Mom and Dad. It is not always the case that it is best for the children--abused women have tried to tellthe courts this, but now some research has come along to back up what Mom has been saying--well, and Dad too becasue sometiems it is the other way around. Read about it here.

Continued domestic abuse facilitated by post-separation contact: "Contact between children and fathers in the aftermath of parental separation facilitates the continued abuse of women and children, according to new research focusing on the experiences of families with a prior history of domestic abuse conducted by social work experts at Trinity College Dublin"

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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Sedated patient records surgery; awarded $500,000 for verbal abuse

We know that learning the Respect Me Rules is important in more situations than marriage. Here  is a guy who recorded the abuse of his female Anesthesiologist during surgery--its worth reading. Guess what? He defended himself! learn how he prepared to not allow nayone to abuse him!

She regrets her words now.

Sedated patient records surgery; awarded $500,000 for verbal abuse | News To Me Blog: "Anesthesiologist, Tiffany M. Ingham, 42, knew she didn’t like her patient as soon as she met him.

As soon as he is unconscious, she said, “After five minutes of talking to you in pre-op I wanted to punch you in the face and man you up a little bit.”"

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Thursday, June 11, 2015

Daddy Jekyll, Daddy Hyde: Transforming patterns of verbal abuse for the sake of our children

If you are a follower of mine or even if you simply want to know more about abuse--read this woman's story. My heart went out to her. I don't like to see marriages break up, but sometimes we have no choice--whenI read this:

“Tell me a story, Mommy.”
“Sure sweetheart,” Carol replied.
“Tell me a story about why Daddy gets mad.” 
It spoke to my heart.

Daddy Jekyll, Daddy Hyde: Transforming patterns of verbal abuse for the sake of our children | PhillyVoice: "“Most of our friends really never believed me when I explained that Ken has an ugly temper,” Carol states, shaking her head. “But he does, he does.”

Carol remembers the turning point."

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Friday, June 5, 2015

ABC stands by 'verbal abuse of sheep' report despite claims it is misleading

Peta is taking excepiton to the sotry we reported aobut the verbally abused sheep--but ABC stands by it.

ABC stands by 'verbal abuse of sheep' report despite claims it is misleading | Media | The Guardian: "The ABC is standing by the veracity of a rural news report which claimed animal rights activists had complained about sheep being verbally abused by shearers, despite claims it is highly misleading."

“The allegation was that bad language was used by an employee on the property in front of the sheep, and that they could have been offended by the use of bad language.”

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Friday, May 29, 2015

PETA’s Complaint of ‘Verbal Abuse’ Against Sheep Was Actually Investigated |

OMG--unbelievable.Verbally abusing sheep! Does PETA's filing a complaint about a farmer verbally abusing his sheep help the cause of verbal and emotional abuse or trivialize it?

PETA’s Complaint of ‘Verbal Abuse’ Against Sheep Was Actually Investigated | National Review Online: "epresentatives from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals went undercover to get footage of a sheep farmer using curse words in front of a flock at Boorungie Station in Australia — then used it to file a complaint claiming the behavior constituted  abuse."

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Thursday, May 14, 2015

5 New Graduates in Verbal Abuse Defense

We have 5 ladies (no men this time but we keep asking) who have completed the course on Verbal Abuse Defense. Here is the certificate they received (how about you?)
Each participant had their own take on teh answers--here are a few highlights:

Luci H wrote about Detachment, "You do not judge, retaliate or hurt. You simply state this is what you can do to me and this is what you cannot."

Lisa B explained why we are actually hurting another by giving them everything they want and by allowing them to be mean to us, "by giving a person everything they want is hurting them because they need to learn that not everything is handed to you."

Jilly D answered "How should you respond to verbal abuse?." Do not engage.
  Walk away.
  Do not react.
  Do not feed the desire to control.
  Yes - if I am not feeding his desire to control and to create a reaction, then his "addiction" is not fed and he will go somewhere else to get his "fix"

Susanne D talked about detachment, "Detachment is separating oneself from adverse, unpleasant or undesirable effects of abuse from someone in order to take good care of yourself."

and my all time favorite came from Donna K who said taht to improve her relationship she "don't be kissing his butt!!" Way to go Donna.

Congrats to our participants!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse | The Exhausted Woman

Wow--how true this is! Often the abuser manages to convince the target (we don't use the word 'victim') that it is in fact they who caused this abuse and the abuser becomes the victim with the target begging for fogiveness... the cycle is baffling for those caught in this vicious pattern. This is an article you must read!

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse | The Exhausted Woman: "Narcissism changes the back end of the cycle because the narcissist is constantly self-centered and unwilling to admit fault.  Their need to be superior, right, or in charge limits the possibility of any real reconciliation. Instead, it is frequently the abused who desperately tries for appeasement while the narcissist plays the victim. This switchback tactic emboldens the narcissist behavior even more, further convincing them of their faultlessness."

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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Verbal abuse of elderly is heartless, dehumanizing

You don't have to be young or a spouse to be abused--it happens in all strata. WE always say that someone can only abuse you if you allow it--but the really young and the really elder folk sometimes can't stop it--, they are not able and those are the ones we need desperately to protect. It is dehumanizing.

Verbal abuse of elderly is heartless, dehumanizing: "Verbal abuse is one of the most heartless and dehumanizing behaviors that seems to have become the norm in so many situations where senior citizens are left in the care of family members. This can be seen every day in grocery stores, malls and restaurants across the country, with the worst abuse being perpetrated behind closed doors. The testimonies of many of these folks who fall victim to this atrocious malign are heartbreaking. “Honor Thy Father and Mother” is one of God’s Ten Commandments"

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Monday, March 30, 2015

Swift: Difficult to know how to respond in face of verbal abuse |

This is  a story about verbal abuse and a child--"Its hard to know what to do.." the Article says. When you see abouse, verbal abuse, in public--do you step in? Do you stay out? Will you make it worse if you point out they are being abusive?

When my husband dislocated my jaw, I decided to press charges. The Sheriff told me, "I will do this if you promise to leave. If I do this and you go back, the next time it will be wrose. I will not file a clim for you unless you can pormise you willnot go back..." best advice ever. I did not file charges and it woudl have been worse. Wehn I was ready to leave--a few months later, I left and never looked back. So interviening has to be well thought out--will you make it worse? Can you stay and help the person after you help the person? Think long and hard. The Sheriff knew he could help that day, but waht aoub the next week?

Swift: Difficult to know how to respond in face of verbal abuse | INFORUM: ""Standing next to me in an aisle," she wrote, "was a man yelling and cussing at his 2-year-old ... who was crying. Not tantrum crying ... but genuine sobbing. I clenched my teeth and tried to continue shopping. I shopped in silence, while I listened to this man scream at his child for about two minutes."

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Friday, March 13, 2015

Gerard Piqué fined €10,500 for verbal abuse to police

Don't you just wish they would get fined for doing this to us--their spouses????  Just say'n

Gerard Piqué fined €10,500 for verbal abuse to police - Inside Spanish Football Inside Spanish Football: "Upon seeing the police write his brother a ticket for the traffic offense, Piqué reportedly berated the two officers stating, via the official police report, that “you’re jealous of me because I’m famous,” “You’re fining me because you want a commission, because you have no money and you have to get a commission,” “This fine is worthless because I’m going to call your boss and he’ll drop it,” “I’m going to speak with your bosses and it’ll make your hair fall out,” “You guys are douchbags and you think you rule the world because you wear that uniform and fine people,” “Your father will pay for this fine,” “You guys are an embarrassment, your job disgusts me and la Guardia Urbana is a fucking embarrassment.”"

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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

US Congressman Dennis Ross Verbally Abused On Jerusalem’s Temple Mount By Muslim Women

It is not always men who abuse women--we know that women emotionally abuse too. However, in this case, it isn't he Muslem women who are abusing this man--it is money. They are being paid to harass him and other Jewish people. I don't think these women give a knat's arse about this--but they probably depserately need money to feed their kids. Paid to abuse.

US Congressman Dennis Ross Verbally Abused On Jerusalem’s Temple Mount By Muslim Women: "As one can see from the video, these women, all clad in ISIS-style attire, aren’t there by happenstance and are, in fact, paid by Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood  to harass Jews who visit the Temple Mount."

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Monday, February 23, 2015

Boyhood - Movie as much about abuse as growing up

I watched the acclaimed movie, Boyhood last night and thought it a movie worth watching for partners in abusive relationships. I know it was supposed to be about this boy growing up using snapshots of his life. It was interesting. nothing spectacular, It showed how resilient kids are and even though Mom went from one abusive relationship to another, the boy grew up just fine.

But the part of the movie that caught my attention and the reason I think it is worth watching, is the Mom--who kept looking for a stable good marriage and kept marrying abusive men. To her credit, she got out as soon as it got bad in each relationship (some women can't even do that),but then went right back into another abusive marriage.

What we at Respect-Me Rules believe is that you should stay (if possible) in your current relationship and teach your partner to honor your boundaries--ie, respect the way you want to be treated. The way you are treated (for the most part) is your responsibility. The mother (Patricia Arquette) in Boyhood placates her succession of abusers until it gets too oppressive and then fees. She never learns that it is she, who has trained these guys that it is OK to abuse her. She never gets it and thus ends up alone and confused as to how her life never turned out in the fashion she wanted. Her last plea in the film is heartfelt and pitiful.

In fact her first husband who abused her, ended up with another woman who apparently did not allow him to treat her that way--he turned out to be the husband Patricia would have wanted in the first place--he was not a different man later in life, just married to a different woman, who it seems, demanded he treat her right.

I want all our partners to see this movie and write a paragraph explaining how this mom was the basis of her own trouble--not that she picked the wrong guys, but that she allowed them, and even rewarded the abuse. The paragraph is for your benefit--sometimes it is easier to see ourselves when we analyse another who is doing teh same thing.

Boyhood - Official Movie Site - Now Playing:

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Friday, February 13, 2015

New Graduates from the-Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

We have 5 new graduates who earned the Verbal Abuse Defense Certificate. Each of them  completed all 4 sessions and we've provided some insights they shared with us via the lessons.

First graduate:

Rachel B. who exaplined how we actaully hurt our partner by allowing them to abuse us, "Because we are reinforcing bad behavior. We are teaching them it is okay to be abusive. We are teaching them that bad behavior gets rewarded.

Maria V, the next grduate srote about the definition of detachment: "Detachment means that you don't let The power to your partner to hurt you any longer. Its neither kind or unkind, it means be yourself and not let anyone to take over you."

Annalissa R., described why "Kathy" in the story about the Kathy let the abuse go so far that it took her life, "At first, she believed it would change, then she was doing best to fix things, then she lost ability to make good decisions."

Kassi D, was able to summerize how closure might take place in their life, "I would be surrounded by people who see how intelligent I am, how determined I am to take personal responsibility and practice empathy and compassion, how hardworking I am, and see how I work to improve myself  and my life. All these people would tell her at length what an idiot she was for throwing away my love and treating me like shit. They would inform her that her terrible fear of dying alone and unloved, that inspired her to try to control and manipulate me, will come true precisely because of the abuse she chose to try to prevent it from happening."

 Our final graduate, Connie B., also ocmmented on Kathy's story and was quite organized in her thoughts, "I believe Kathy let it go this far, As stated in the article,

 A) she had a 'Pleaser Personality'

 B) She had allowed her support network to reduce in size and disappear.

 C) she allowed herself to lose control of her independence.

 D) she developed a 'Euphoric Recall' reality.

You all did such a great job! Congradulations!

You are a Target-Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop:

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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Wife alienating friends with her anger, verbal abuse | Observer-Reporter

We forget that it is not only partners, but friends that can be verbally abused. Here is a great answer to this husbands questions about the wife alienating friends. I especially like the last sentence in Annie's advice!

Annie’s Mailbox: Wife alienating friends with her anger, verbal abuse | Observer-Reporter: " My wife has a good personality and makes friends easily. The problem is, she does not keep them. If someone rubs her wrong, she flares up in anger. If someone disagrees with her, she verbally abuses them. She also gets involved in everyone else’s personal affairs."

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Monday, January 26, 2015

One of the participants in the tutorial made me cry today....

Had a woman who calls herself Memory Lane finish section one of the tutorial today. Here is part of what she wrote:

 "and the law continues to allow the behavior because the lead investigator in this town has known him for over twenty years, so drops his charges every time"

 I wanted to cry--this is one of the few times that I would have to say it is not solely in her hands...most of the time Dr. Marshall and myself can see how a person actually "trains" their partner to behave badly--and probably Memory Lane  may have in the beginning..but now others are working against her and it will be hard to get better when her partner has the authorities in his back pocket. She MUST seek professional help.

What do you think?

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Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Abuse comes in many forms

I like this--it gives a form of abuse I never considered before--Identity Abuse--yes--I recognize this one!

Abuse comes in many forms: "Identity abuse — Using personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner."

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