Tuesday, August 25, 2015

In Recovery Magazine Dec 5, 2015 | A conference at sea!

I love the folks at InRecovery Magazine. This Cruise looks to be fun and inspiring. There are meetings and workshops hand picked by the people at InReocvery and it sounds fabulous!  Entertainment inlcudes  Recovery Films, Comedy Show, Meetings, Special ‘In This Life’ Tours, swimming with stingrays and sharks plus great snorkeling, other entertainment, dancing, and  LOTS of FUN-FUN-FUN. Looking for something different this Dec? I reccomend this getaway and the people sponsoring it.

This is particulary good for growth in your relationships--several workshops that look promising are: Andi Abad, LPC, NCC, BCPC will be presenting on WORTHY OF LOVE

and Gigi Veasey, LCSW, LISAC, CCBT will be presenting workshops on the days they are out at sea on Stress Management, The 4 Gifts of Grief, and Balance.

Sounds like something that would enhance a your Christmas season.

In Recovery Magazine Dec 5, 2015 | For all your Sober Travel Needs: " Recovery Films, Comedy Show, Meetings, Special ‘In This Life’ Tours

(swim with stingrays and sharks plus great snorkeling),

Entertainment, Dancing, Great Food & LOTS of FUN-FUN-FUN"

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense--Our Summer Graduates Share

We have a lot of graduates this summer inlcuding a few guys. Of course verbal and emtional abuse is not just men on women but women onmen and memn on men and women on women--it is a relationship thing, isn't it? A "thing" that can be stopped as many of our new graduates are learning. Here are a couple of messages from past graduates:

Thank you so much!  I have learned so much throughout this and your course was a great eye opener as well. God bless you, Susanne
 Thank you! I got the book Respect Me Rules, and it has been so very helpful. I plan to read it regularly to remind myself what to look for and how to respond. Thanks again. Gina

It was different this summer because for some reason lots of our participants seemed to get this one wrong: Which question is the most important if you really want to change?

"Why?" Was the most common answer. The correct answer is "How." It doesn't really matter why you want to change--mostly it is becasue your life isn't working out well allowing your mate to abuse you. If you know HOW to change, and implement it, then you make progress. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Here are our graduates who earned their Certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense along with some of their more memerable answers inteh tutorial to share with you.

Congrats to Cheri S. who answered when asked staying or moving on: I feel you have a choice either to stay and live with or leave and move on. Yes in my opinion takes two to have any form of conversation whether it be abusive or not. AS long as you stay you are giving consent to the abuser to verbally abuse you one way or another. When you stay in the relationship you will a respond to what ever is being said to you.

Jenny S t alked about retribution as a way to find closure: I would get more satisfaction out of Retributive of course; but for my kids sake, and to not have any regrets in the long run, my style would be more Conceptual. I just want him to understand what he is doing and the harm he is causing.

Our guys seemed to have as much if not more insight into their part in abuse than the ladies! Fin gave a very insightful response to the Kathy story:  He said that she let it go so far because of

"Fear, Guilt, Lack of Self Worth, Inability to see the whole picture, lack of support. Unwillingness to acknowledge the seriousness of the abuse.

Euphoric recall.” Her mind’s ability to split reality into two separate entities, positive and negative.

No ability to see reality as a whole, her good judgement and decision making could not occur. Kathy quickly lost her support system. Hope that it would get better.

Kathy was not aware of community resources and she did not plan for the abuse to occur again.

She saw each episode as an isolated incident that she believed (and naively hoped) that it would never occur again. She gradually gave up more and more of her control over her own life. She even turned her business over to her husband.

Fin nailed it!

Our other male participant gave a new look at the sentence complettion portion, The goal of the target is to move the focus from "How badly they treat me" to*: Am I going to allow them to take my power? Great answer, Don!

He also had a good answer regarding "detachment": It's to allow yourself freedom from the abuser and walking away realizing you deserve much better. You owe yourself a life and only you can ensure that you have one.

Don T is so right. We do oue ourselves a life!

Ashley C was anotehr graduate who said this about closure, "Conceptual, because i don't like leaving without explanation and having feelings "resolved".  I like it to be conceptual on both sides, no-hard feelings, try to stay as friends.

And Heather H is our final graduate this August. When answering why we are actually hurting another by giving them everything they want, she wrote "because we are letting them be abusers and not helping them practice coping skills and healthy self control."

We support you all in the new life that you start today by learning to demand respect, the respect you deserve.


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Friday, August 14, 2015

How do you "Not Allow" Abuse?

We often get responses in the Tutorial that basically say, "It's not that easy, we have kids, he pays the bills..." in other words, learning to respect myself and enforcing boundaries can't be done with me because it is too complicated. 

Here is what Karen wrote and how we are trying to break her out of the
Easier said than done. Yes, the answers make sense but they are so hard to
utilize. By the time I realized I was being abused I had lost my
support system (he has turned all friends and family against me) so I
have no one to talk to about his behavior, he is relentless and if I
hang up on him or ignore him he gets more and more mad. We have 2
children together so I cannot completely ignore him or he takes it
out on the kids.
Hi Karen,
Welcome to the tutorial--I see you are taking this seriously. You wrote: By the time I realized I was being abused I had lost my support system (he has turned all friends and family against me) so I have no one to talk to about his behavior, he is relentless and if I hang up on him or ignore him he gets more and more mad. We have 2 children together
so I cannot completely ignore him or he takes it out on the kids."

Please finish the tutorial--this is only a beginning and it took you a long to get to this place and it takes awhile to work our mind out of it. One of our problems is that we trap ourselves in these little boxes--its called the "Yes buts" Whatever is suggested we
agree and can see it but say "Yes but in our case it is different because..." and we can't break free. This program of Respect Me Rules is designed to help you think outside the box. 

Once you do break free, you will look back and wonder why you thought you had to appease his whims and put up with the abuse. That day will come for you. Right now you still have all the inner dialog that tells you it is impossible to handle because of this and that and that-the kids, his anger, your dependency on him.

You also put a question mark on " how badly will I allow myself to be treated?" Yes that is the ocrrect answer and yes you have allowed this to happen--BECAUSE you are a good person. Of course the book goes more into depth about why we get there. You won't  change him. Ever. You can only change yourself and as a result of that he may or may not get better. As far as the kids. OK so you tell yourself that you take the abuse so he won't go after the kids. 

They are being abused whether it is you he does this to or them. Because abusing you is abusing them. Right now you are a victim because you see yourself that way. Become the target and learn how to stop allowing him to target you. Unless of course you think it
is better to spend the rest of your life as a target and making excuses on why you can't break free.

Karen--your road is a rough one, but you can take care of yourself. I look forward to seeing the rest of your tutorial. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Safety Tips that Woman should know

This came off facebook and sort of resembles those spam emails. It was reported that this was written "by a cop." I don't know about that and this has circulated around the Internet. But I don't care who wrote it, it is good advice! Read and pass along.

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one's life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

 1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

 2. Learned this from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.

 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

 4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

 5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

 6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

 7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then,
it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

 9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late
and she thought it was weird.. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT
open the door..' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer
has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

 10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack.

 Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on
This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was mentioned on America 's Most Wanted when they profiled
the serial killer in Louisiana

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Dear Abby: Wife suffers increasing pain from man's verbal abuse

Here'a an articleabut verbal abuse for Dear Abbly--normally I like her advice but this is the wrost-

1. She's called a "victim."

2. Yes, she cannot "fix" him but there is somone she can fix.

3. She is told to contact the Domestic Violence group in her area--what you do with violence is substantially different than verbal and emotional abuse..

We still have a lot of work to change the minds of those who are targets and the experts who help them. WE are TARGETS not victims. We FIX ourselves, not them. WE don't have to leave or hide--we can demand reapect within the relationship.

Dear Abby: Wife suffers increasing pain from man's verbal abuse: "I love Ken, and life can be normal at times, but once he thinks I'm getting out from under his thumb, his destructive behavior begins. He treats me like his worst enemy. The pain is becoming unbearable. One minute he tells me he loves me, and the next he is punishing me for not coming home from the store on time."

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Saturday, August 1, 2015

Continued domestic abuse facilitated by post-separation contact

It has long been considered the right thing to do to allow fthers access tot ehir children not matter what happened between Mom and Dad. It is not always the case that it is best for the children--abused women have tried to tellthe courts this, but now some research has come along to back up what Mom has been saying--well, and Dad too becasue sometiems it is the other way around. Read about it here.

Continued domestic abuse facilitated by post-separation contact: "Contact between children and fathers in the aftermath of parental separation facilitates the continued abuse of women and children, according to new research focusing on the experiences of families with a prior history of domestic abuse conducted by social work experts at Trinity College Dublin"

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