Just saw Batman Begins... and I won't give anything away but one line really stuck in my heart: "It's not the man underneath that defines him, it's his actions on the surface."
I always thought my ex had the best heart, he just never acted upon it...
Why did THAT line bring tears to my eyes... and why do I feel like I let HIM down???
I read this on a post at enotalone.com---boy does this get to the heart of it! I haven't seen Batman and now I will, just for that one line. I always said Bob Bowman, my ex, was a really good guy and wanted to be a good husband but just didn't know how. That would drive my Mom crazy because she said if he wanted to be a good husband, he would.
But the saying, actions speak louder than words, HAS to be incorporated into how we relate to our partners. What do you think?
Shelly,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you are saying as I have donned it my mission to 'break the cycle' of being a target of abusers. Too little time to tell my story right now, but I have thought that too....feeling sorry for him (my soon to be ex-husband who had multiple affairs on me during the 4 years we were together)
He really does act ignorant when it comes to showing love, being loving, or expressing love...so what trap do you suppose I fell into - showing him how...
That didn't work...and I eventually became resentful of all the time and effort I put into the relationship....and no reciprocation followed. I really Really put alot of effort into our relationship and I couldn't figure out why nothing was coming of it.
Hard lesson learned here: You cannot squeeze blood from a rock.
So for 2 years I focused on power of the tongue and the power of the spoken word. I thought and had been advised that if I control the way I speak, he'll love me more. ONCE i finally got it...I mean really understood what that meant...I found myself speaking less, listening more, and speaking mostly only uplifting things. But nothing happened....
Hard lesson learned here: Once I shut my mouth, it was only then that I began to see what he was really made of and what efforts and communication he was willing to make with me and our marriage.
Shortly after I started practicing this, he became even more enraged because I could then easily detect when he was playing games with me...and I didn't respond. I choose to only respond when he was kind and uplifting. (Sort of following the principle...If you keep petting a growling dog, you will get bit.) I stopped petting the growling dog...and the dog became even angrier...
But what was cool...I became stronger in doing this because I got to watch his actions even more....watch him stumble even more, get himself tied up in his own web of lies....and eventually causght him in bed with our neighbor's girlfriend.
Found enormous strength and wisdom from 1 Peter and Proverbs. Encouraging when you don't have the power or feel strong enough to know when you need to lay a boundary down....
So, yes.....I agree with that. Don't buy into the illusions he creates. Most often they know exactly what they're doing.
Since then...I never have serious conversations over the phone with him...I always watch his eyes...and watch his body movements.....
Bambi--what POWERfull insights. I love the "You can't squeeze blood from a rock!" That is great. I'm sorry he became angier as you got stronger--at first my husband did too, but soon he got confused. I was only married four years, like you. The biggest thing that confused me was why he was always so angry at me. Now I understand he was angry at the world--himself--whatever. It had nothing to do with me other than I couldn't fix him and make him happy. He somehow thought it was my job. If you get a chance to write your story of abuse AND recovery, I've love to post it on our sight. Thanks for this.
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