This is one of my favorite parts of Dr. Irene's site on Verbal Abuse. I know I am co-dependent and I have to say that at times, within certain relationships, I have most definitely also been a controlling co-dependent. I still see signs of that in me when around certain people that I want to have "more" with, but don' t seem to want what I want. In my never-ending self-psychoanalyis, I've revisted this text recently to re-educate myself on what NOT do do.
From Dr. Irene's site. Link to full text provided.
Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?
Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that shirt belongs to -. you...)
Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic and sense their partner's needs.
These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do; things you may not even want them to do.
They want to please you to show you how much they care.
The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try, too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about it!
Gosh Dawn, this is so true. It took me a long time to realize that I was a controller too and that I was trying to control how my husband acted and felt toward me! I tried to earn his love and respect by doing for him what he should have been doing for himself--in order to do for him, I had to control! Sigh.
ReplyDeleteBut I am getting better every day. The last guy that wanted to "date" me suggested that I find a way for him to come and visit me since he didn't have a lot ofmoney to buy a tickt--I just told him that God takes care of us and when circumstances got better for him, he could then think about coming to see me. I haven't heard from him since. I really see that when we don't allow them to mistreat us and they are abusers, they don't come back--they eliminate themselves! He didn't want a lady who wouldn't take care of him. Yeah for me!
Good for you, Shelly, on keeping your "pleaser" giver traits in check! It's tough to do.
ReplyDeleteThe key here is to pull back on giving/caring when you aren't getting back what you want and you are getting resentful. When you are giving to much, pull back the amount and the expectation, rather than step in up in hopes that your partner will finally see the light on how much you love them. It never works that way. A lot of people (men AND women) take that over-caring as a negative or they take it for granted. Bottom line for me is that if you are giving love and care and hoping your partner will step up to your level of care/love when the NEVER really have or do it sporadically and unpredictably or only did for a short time --like 3 months when we first met, realize right now that if you keep giving, you are going to get controllling and resentful. You're best bet is to back off. If your partner starts stepping up--good for you. If not, they were never going to give you what you needed anyway so call it a life lesson and MOVE ON. Harder to do than say it, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make it work and had I remembere this stuff, I could have been on to my next GREAT relationship.
Good for you, Shelly, on keeping your "pleaser" giver traits in check! It's tough to do.
ReplyDeleteThe key here is to pull back on giving/caring when you aren't getting back what you want and you are getting resentful. When you are giving to much, pull back the amount and the expectation, rather than step in up in hopes that your partner will finally see the light on how much you love them. It never works that way. A lot of people (men AND women) take that over-caring as a negative or they take it for granted. Bottom line for me is that if you are giving love and care and hoping your partner will step up to your level of care/love when the NEVER really have or do it sporadically and unpredictably or only did for a short time --like 3 months when we first met, realize right now that if you keep giving, you are going to get controllling and resentful. You're best bet is to back off. If your partner starts stepping up--good for you. If not, they were never going to give you what you needed anyway so call it a life lesson and MOVE ON. Harder to do than say it, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make it work and had I remembere this stuff, I could have been on to my next GREAT relationship.
Good for you, Shelly, on keeping your "pleaser" giver traits in check! It's tough to do.
ReplyDeleteThe key here is to pull back on giving/caring when you aren't getting back what you want and you are getting resentful. When you are giving to much, pull back the amount and the expectation, rather than step in up in hopes that your partner will finally see the light on how much you love them. It never works that way. A lot of people (men AND women) take that over-caring as a negative or they take it for granted. Bottom line for me is that if you are giving love and care and hoping your partner will step up to your level of care/love when the NEVER really have or do it sporadically and unpredictably or only did for a short time --like 3 months when we first met, realize right now that if you keep giving, you are going to get controllling and resentful. You're best bet is to back off. If your partner starts stepping up--good for you. If not, they were never going to give you what you needed anyway so call it a life lesson and MOVE ON. Harder to do than say it, but I've spent a lot of time trying to make it work and had I remembere this stuff, I could have been on to my next GREAT relationship.