OH no! a mistake on the Tutorial!

Emily M was taking the FREE tutorial online to learn how to stop abuse when she noticed that several of our links were not working in Section 3. Sure enough, the outside website had taken them down. She was kind enough to write in and let us know because you really can't answer the questions without those links from Bullies 2 Buddys. A few participants stopped at Section 3 and I wondered why--this may be the reason. For those of you who noticed the nonfunctional links, please go back to Section 3 and do it again. Its worth it!

What are the Rules?: "For clarification we want you to study the Bullies 2 Buddies website and understand how you can take away the power of your abuser and still be "nice" to him or her. It is by using the Golden Rule. Read this article: The True Meaning of the Golden Rule: Love Your Bullies
At first the article might not seem related to what you want to know. It is, so read to the end. The principle behind this is rooted in science. You might say, "But the article says to be nice to the bully and you tell us not the reward your partner for bad behavior--isn't that the same?" No--we never want to bully back. And being "nice" doesn't mean you have to do what they say or allow them to call you names and say ugly things about you. "

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Marriage Experiment: Better to Be Right Than Happy |

I once wrote an article for Venture Inward describing an incident on a plane where an older couple had my seat. I didn't mind and I wasn't going to ask them get up--(I didn't care where I sat) but I did insist that they admit they had my seat. The wife got extremely upset while the husband eventually apologized. the point is, I got a negative reaction from many readers that it is better to be happy than right! I however disagree--I think reality, truth, admitting when we are wrong is much more likely to lead to happiness for everyone concerned.

They did a study in New Zealand, trying to find if a husband would just agree with his wife, whether he really agreed or not, would lead to a better marriage. Thinking of what we teach at Respect-me rules--what would you guess the answer to be? The wife didn't now what the experiment was about--and as the husband continued to agree and acquiesce to her will, he  became more and more depressed. She became even more demanding and intrusive!

(photo thanks to Save the Chimps)

Why would she get "power hungry" so to speak? If you took the free tutorial and used our workbook, you would know that whatever behavior you reward, you get more of. By agreeing with his wife even when he didn't, he rewarded her every whim. Then he got more of her whims shoved at him--it is human (and chimpanzee behavior). The researchers of this study " also noted that this was further proof that if given too much power, humans tend to “assume the alpha position and, as with chimpanzees, they become very aggressive and dangerous.” 

Remember that when you reward bad behavior you get more of it. If he yells and you try to be nicer to get him to stop, he's going to yell more often, not be nicer. that is reality. Read about the study here:

Marriage Experiment: Better to Be Right Than Happy | TIME.com: "The study was set up to examine the old marriage advice about whether it’s more important to be happy or to be right. Couples therapists sometimes suggest that in a bid to avoid constant arguments, spouses weigh up whether pressing the point is worth the misery of marital discord. The researchers, who are doctors and professors at the University of Auckland, noticed that many of their patients were adding stress to their lives by insisting on being right, even when it worked against their well-being."

 So they found a couple who were willing to record their quality of life on a scale of 1 to 10. They told the man, who wanted to be happy more than right, about the purpose of the study and asked him to agree with every opinion and request his wife had without complaint, even when he profoundly didn’t agree. The wife was not informed of the purpose of the study and just asked to record her quality of life

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Relationship Math: Love = Respect | www.loveisrespect.org

Really good site I want to share--especially the title loveisrespect! Check out the whole site and read one of my favorite articles:

Relationship Math: Love = Respect | www.loveisrespect.org: "A healthy relationship is based on trust, honesty, respect and equality. It is important that both people have an equal say in the relationship, therefore if one person is unhappy they have the right to end the relationship, whether their partner likes it or not. If you are not happy in your relationship, you don't owe anyone anything, it's ok to end it and we can help you do that safely!"

Its for the younger crowd and dating, but the principles apply to us all.
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No Abuse Excuses this Holiday Season

I'm blogging about my own article today. This is new--a few tips about how to not allow abuse in your life during this holiday season.

No Abuse Excuses this Holiday Season: "We are in the middle of the holidays and for many of you that means being in the middle of the roller coaster of abuse intensified by the season's stresses. Wouldn't it be nice not to feel stuck with a scrooge this year? Or a holiday Nazi? Wouldn't it be nice not to be in a defensive mode around the clock and hoping that your partner's good mood lasts just a little longer. Nice to know that you won't have to cancel plans at the last minute because your partner gets a hard on for someone or something—most likely you? Wouldn't it be nice to get through a holiday season without the accusations, guilt, or silent treatment? "

read more...

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How to Spend Time with a Family Member Who Talks Down to You

You do not have to spend time with a family member who abuses you not matter what the family tradition is. If year after year you allow someone to make you feel bad during the holidays, who is to blame them or you? It is so very difficult to loo at our-self and say, "I allow this person to treat me badly because________" Only we can stop someone from taking advantage of us--only we can break ugly family patterns that involve us. Below is a blog that gives some great tips on how to stop this destructive pattern--and it doesn't involve blaming them! Don't blame this holiday season, nothing changes when you  blame others. Learn to stop the abuse--you can do it.

How to Spend Time with a Family Member Who Talks Down to You - Forgiveness & Freedom |Forgiveness & Freedom: "There’s good news. It doesn’t always have to be like that.
But you must, yes, you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
No more whining about your parent. If you don’t like their behavior stand up to them and make different choices.
Look at your excuses – they’re familiar – you’ve probably been using them for years.
“I have to put up with it because she/he has no one else.”
“I have to put up with the behavior and go visit again because that’s how it’s always been and mom will be so disappointed in me.”
Hard question: Is it more important for your health for your mom to be disappointed in you or for you to continue to be disappointed in yourself because you haven’t found the courage to stand up for yourself?"
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Celebrate #GivingTuesday |

After the insanity of Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the upcoming Broke Wednesday--we need a break. The United Nations foundation started a great counter to this--called Giving Tuesday.

Although codependents (oops, did I label my readers?) are already known for being particularly giving, its nice to see a day set aside for this amid the holiday commercialism. Take a minute to read this and ask yourself what your "community giving" is this season. If you don't have money, then think about volunteering your time. Many kitchens for the less fortunate may need your help. Or become the bell ringer in front of the Big Box stores. Don't let this season go by without giving back to your community--

Whatever your family trouble now--serving others will always bring good back to you. Read about Giving Tuesday" here.

Celebrate #GivingTuesday | The White House: "#GivingTuesday builds on the American tradition of giving back but uses technology to give this greater impact. This commemoration does not seek to coordinate funds toward any particular nonprofit or to direct volunteers to support a specific cause. Instead, #GivingTuesday is intended to encourage Americans to reflect and give back. It’s a collective moment for individual and community action."

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George Zimmerman arrested AGAIN! |

George Zimmerman arrested AGAIN! | HLNtv.com: "George Zimmerman will make his first appearance in court Tuesday afternoon at 1:30 p.m. ET after being arrested for allegedly pointing a shotgun at his girlfriend, according to representatives with the Seminole County Sheriff's Office."

Now we hear he is at it again. They claim that it is PTSD--however, alcoholism, PTSD, anger, ill health, religion--NONE of these are an excuse for abuse. He needs to be treated as an abuser...not given some excuse of PTSD. He is an abuser (and remember, I have been a defender of George and support the stand your ground laws--I am a concealed carrier) but this guy is now abusing everything around--his wife, girlfriend family, community--. George, you have to be stopped--

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Domestic Violence Danger Assessment Quiz

BigStockPhoto.com

We don't usually refer  to violence in verbal abuse (verbal abuse is almost always present in domestic violence but the reverse is not always true) because if your partner will hit, smack, imprison, or rape you, hurt pets, and get physically violent--we don't want you to use the respect me rules--we want you safe and to seek help. Learning to respect yourself and enforce that comes long before the violence starts--that is our goal.

However, at About.com there is a great assessment for you or someone you know to assess how dangerous a partner might be. See what your risk is, take this quiz today.

Domestic Violence Danger Assessment Quiz: "If you are in an abusive relationship that has turned violent, you may be in more danger than you realize. Domestic violence can escalate quickly without warning and can turn deadly."

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New certificate earner shares thoughts on closure

Sue F is the latest "Target" to earn her certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense. I asked Sue if I could share some of what she wrote because it is so well thought out and well written. Here are her thoughts on closure:

Finding Closure: I think because of my personal circumstances the best way I could deal with this experience will be to simply pick myself up and get on with doing all the things I enjoy. My family, grandaughters, my quilting and crafts. Revenge, and seeking closure from the abuser (which you are unlikely to receive) although it may be better than chocolate can also mire you in the past and the important thing for yourself is to let go of that learn from the experience and move forward. 

Conceptual closure would be my preference but as I have struggled to receive any acknowledgement for the behaviors during the relationship I am realistic enough to understand that most Narcissistic Sociopaths do not understand the concept of others and am unlikely to receive anything other than blame afterwards. But I am now at a point where I can walk away knowing I have done everything humanly possibly to make this relationship work, there is no more I can do so can walk away with a clear conscience and start having a life again...

Sue is putting one foot in front of the other and making the effort to see that she doesn't stay in destructive patterns. Part of that is not being financially dependent on another. She shares this:

I have recently started a new job and it has been somewhat hectic to say the least.
You have my permission to share anything I write as that is one of the reasons I write it I suppose and thank you so much for the compliments about my writing and for my certificate which is framed and hung on my workroom wall (my spare bedroom actually but it is where I make my quilts and sew) and in full view.

I have just started a new job after almost 3 years of being out of work after an accident and having to rely on being financially dependent as well as dealing with all the other issues has been a debilitating experience and a very very steep learning curve.

So now I am working again I am concentrating on becoming indispensable at work in the hope I can gain a full time position at which point I will no longer need to be financially obligated and can move forward with what needs to be done...

We wish sue the very best in moving forward and know she will make the best decisions in doing what needs to be done...thank you Sue for sharing with us. We hope you find time to continue sharing when you can because you are an inspiration to many. And hopefully you may someday take me up on helping out as an administrator on this site.

How to Set Awkward Boundaries: “No” is a Complete Sentence!

It's not often that one author recommends another's work--after all we think what we have to offer is superior! But I'm a realist, I know that my ideas are not the first -best-mostest int he world! I believe in my work and want to help others who found them selves trapped in victimhood--like I found myself at one time. So when someone else is saying the same thing I am--I do not consider us in competition, but complementary. So I am recommending a book by Dr. Judith Orloff because the basis of much of her work is similar to mine and Dr. Marshall's--YOU have to learn to teach others how to treat you--do not wait for a rescuer.

The book is Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love

Read an excerpt of one of her articles here:

How to Set Awkward Boundaries: “No” is a Complete Sentence!: "It may sometimes be awkward to set healthy boundaries with negative or draining people, but it is an important skill to learn. If someone has unrealistic expectations of you or unable to respect your feelings remember “No” is a complete sentence. A key to setting boundaries is to come from a centered, unemotional, place—not to be reactive."

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The 'Benefits' of Verbal Abuse | Christi Paul

What a great article! Christi is actually honest and open about her abusive decisions and realizes how she contributed--well, allowed the abuse in her life. She explains exactly how her behavior benefited her. Let's face it, we don't continue to allow abuse unless we get "something" form it. My biggest benefit was that I felt spirituality better than my husband--he was the bad guy and I could prove it. He did this and this and this--and they were all abusive and everyone agreed. then I got to sit back and let everyone know how much better than him I was...yeah, it often works that way.

Well, Cristi like myself discovered some of the secrets of abuse and she spreads the message. read her great article here.

The 'Benefits' of Verbal Abuse | Christi Paul: "How did verbal abuse benefit me? It helped me realize the importance of words (and to choose mine carefully). It helped me become more independent and learn to take care of myself. It helped redefine what security means to me (that just because you're married that doesn't guarantee you'll be happy). And it helped me learn boundaries -- something I clearly hadn't set in my life. To recognize what I was and wasn't willing to allow into my life. It brought me closer to God and helped me recognize what I can and can't control. And it helped expand my capacity to forgive, not just other people, but myself.  "

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Another certificate earned

Congratulations to Patricia T for earning her certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense. Many folks, both guys and gals begin the tutorial but drop out after the second lesson. Why? Because they come up against the truth, that if we allow abuse, we reinforce abuse, and we teach them how to abuse us. Only we can demand the respect we deserve--and even if you have been brain washed to think you deserve this treatment, we can show you a way out.

So take the tutorial today like Patricia has--you deserve to learn who can stop this verbal and emotional abuse--you!
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"That's abuse" - REACHING WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This is awesome--a way to reach women who don't really realize they are being abused yet --get the code and share this with your family and friends--I don't usually like what NYC does (too socialist) but this is awesome:




"That's abuse" - A POWERFUL NEW ADVERTISING APPROACH TO REACHING WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS - Press Release - Digital Journal: " reach women caught in the confusing and insidious cycle of abuse that occurs before physical violence begins. "

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What does Verbal Abuse look like?

Here is a good article by Kristina Welker that asks what verbal abuse looks like--when covert or overt. So often people don't know they are being verbally abused and it takes something really pointed to figure it out. I remember my moment of clarity. My mother had come to visit and we we getting ready for the evening. My husband was watching TV in the other room. Mom suggested I take a bath (a pleasure I love) and I drew in my breath sharply as said, "I can't take a bath now because Steve is here." She asked me what that was all about and I explained that he didn't let me take a bath when he was home because it took time away from him. The look on my Mom's face said it all. She was horrified that professional, smart woman such as myself was in a position where her partner wouldn't "let" her bathe when she wanted to....needless to say it jarred me and I began to examine what I was accepting from this guy.

Kritina says that abuse is covert or overt--that they are unable to accept a partner as equal and find ways to put us down. Her article is worth reading and then ask yourself in what ways you accept abuse covertly and then overtly...

The verbally abusive relationship - Ahwatukee Foothills News: Community Focus: "Often I work with clients who are unaware that they are being verbally abusive. Many times it is overt … laughing while the spouse is talking. But, sometimes it is covert … giving the silent treatment."

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Unveiling the Fear of Sexual Assault on College Campuses

This was an interesting study on college women and their fear of being raped--it appears that women who saw themselves as "helpless" and who allowed others to verbally abuse them had much more fear of being raped than did women who saw themselves as strong and in control of their own space and selves. At Respect-me rules, and in our FREE workshop, that is exactly what we are teaching--STOP using the word "victim" and change that to "target." You are a target when being abused and you can stop it.

Read about the study here.

Unveiling the Fear of Sexual Assault on College Campuses: "Pryor instead found that how women perceived themselves had the largest impact on their fear. In particular, the women who perceived themselves as being helpless and weak were more fearful of being raped. Those who felt they were invulnerable and could defend themselves easily if attacked had the lowest levels of rape fear.
Pryor said, “To interpret this through a classical social psychological lens, the clustered perceptions women acquire about rape appear to have a self-fulfilling fear effect.” Although gender, prior trauma, and the stigma of rape did not directly increase fear, they acted as secondary influences by magnifying already existing fears in some women. Pryor also found that the younger women in the study were more fearful of being raped than the older women. This suggests that perhaps a shift in risky behavior and risky social networks to more controlled behavior and stable relationships diminishes a woman’s fear as she matures."

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Congratulations to two new graduates in Verbal Abuse Defense Training

We have two new women who have completed the course,  Annette K and Monica L. we love it when participants actually finish the course. It is designed to help change our awareness of what verbal abuse really is. Have you looked it up online lately? Try it and see if you can pick out the sites that victimize people or the sites that will help targets learn not to allow abuse in their lives.

verbal abuse - Startpage Web Search:

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Mosaic Threat Assessment Systems

I learned something big today and wanted to share it with you. One of the participants to our free tutorial online talked of "symbolic" violence which really intrigued me. I asked her if i could use her definition of this (as I cna think of a lot!) and "A" sent me this answer:

Shelly,
Thanks for asking.  I probably learned the term 'symbolic violence' through Gavin deBecker's (free) violence threat assessment here:https://www.mosaicmethod.com.   A good definition appears here: http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Abusive-Relationship-Red-Flags.   Gavin deBecker is the source who should be credited in your blog.

So I found this free assessment tool  to see a person's level of threat. I had to check it out--and I think this may be something we will have to incorporate into our tutorial but I wanted a bit of feedback first--Please check this out and send me an email (or answer here). do you think this is valuable for those being verbally and emotionally abused? (check out Opra's def too)

Mosaic Threat Assessment Systems: "What is MOSAIC?
MOSAIC is an error avoidance method,
a computer-assisted method for conducting comprehensive assessments - in the same way that diagnosis is a method used by a doctor. An effective medical diagnosis results when a doctor knows which questions to ask, knows which tests will produce the most accurate answers, and then knows how to draw relevant conclusions from all the answers combined together."

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Boyfriend’s profanity could be crossing into verbal abuse | Living | The Seattle Times

when people sear, it isn't Verbal abuse per se unless they are are swearing at you, calling you a f***king bi**h or saying you are fu**ing lazy--etc. How you respond makes all the difference in the world as to whether your potty mouthed boyfriend or girlfriend will continue.

How do  you respond--by cringing? Whining and saying, "You hurt my feelings?" Ignoring it? Acting hurt and surprised?  laughing and making a joke out it? Any of those responses might encourage more of the same. What if you simply said, "I don't allow anyone to talk to me that way." and then stopped communicating until they talked to you with respect. What might happen if you did this? Then left the area? Would you be teaching them that they got the reaction the wanted? Or would you be teaching them that if you are not treated with respect, you are not reacting with them. You react with adults who treat you well, not potty mouths who make life uncomfortable.

Read what this advice columnist answered to this perosn and let us know if you agree with her.

Boyfriend’s profanity could be crossing into verbal abuse | Living | The Seattle Times: "Hi Carolyn:

My boyfriend is sweet, kind, and everyone I know adores him. However, it bothers me that he often uses profanity when we are arguing (sometimes directed at me). He always apologizes afterward for doing so, and has admitted he needs to change, but it always slips out during arguments.

I have told him it is rude and something I will not stand for, but it continues to be a problem. Is this something that can change or is it just wishful thinking?"

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Verbally abusive | a question answered by Manay Gina

Here's an online Q and A from a young woman named Manay--she has some pretty good advice. Read the questions and answer and consider why her answer is not to make the target a victim. We need more advice like this to retrain targets on how to protect themselves wand know that they can't really change their partners.

Verbally abusive | Tempo - News in a Flash: "Dear Manay Gina,

My husband is verbally abusive and aggressive when he’s drunk but he is very considerate and kind to everyone when he’s not. A number of times, I thought of leaving him with our two children but the thought of having a broken family scares me. Besides I think it’s too late for me to start anew because I am not really that young. What should I do?"

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What to do if you’re in an abusive relationship

 Read about this advice for a New Zealand woman who wants to leave her husband because of abuse. This advice is solid--it basically says, "respect yourself." That's rough, we know. YOu can't just tell a person to start respecting themselves--they don't know how. that's is what our free tutorial is about. Read his advice here:

 Vail Daily column: What to do if you’re in an abusive relationship | VailDaily.com: If you give your husband the benefit of the doubt and wish to stay with him, then set some iron-clad ground rules for him. Respected or not in his community, he is in grave danger of not being respected by his wife unless he lives by a different code of behavior.

And let me be clear about what a different code of behavior consists of. Adopt the attitude that it is totally unacceptable for him to lose himself physically again, or to threaten you, which has a similar effect. If someone you love becomes violent or threatening as a way of controlling you, or of forcing you into submission, that would be an extremely good reason to leave the relationship. And be wary of forgiving too easily or readily. Forgiving someone before he has apologized, acknowledged wrongdoing, accepted responsibility and has a clear and understandable plan for what to do the next time he gets triggered is tantamount to agreeing to a repeat the next time he loses his temper.

Another Winner gets her Certificate

Congratulations to Lisa D--she just earned her certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense! There are 6 more people working their way through the course presently. Please send your friends if you think they need to familiarize themselves with what verbal abuse is.

Some of the answers we get for the course are so good that we are going to begin sharing the answers with you if the person gives us permission. Here is a recent one in answer to the question, "Why do you keep believing your partner will get better?"  This is well thought out:

I believed that my partner would change if only I would love,care and understand himbetter, because I thought that I was partially responsible for his behavior.Those believes were reinforced by people that are ignorant or unaware of dynamics and tactics of abuse. By learning and understanding the issue of abuse I no longer believe that my partner will get better if I excuse or rationalize his bad behavior towards me. ~Eliana

Thank you Eliana--and congrats to Lisa
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Tyler, the Creator Faces Police After Verbal Assault - News - Fuse

I consider  Talitha Stone to be a hero for those of us learning to stand up for ourselves-She is not calling herself a victim, she turned him in--even though a public figure, this rapper is being abusive to a woman in public and she took the appropriate steps. www.respectmerules.com   Good for you Talitha! read about it bleow.

Tyler, the Creator Faces Police After Verbal Assault - News - Fuse: "According to the Guardian,  24-year-old blogger Talitha Stone recently reported the rapper to the police citing verbal abuse.
The rapper targeted Stone after the blogger (who had publicly called out the rapper for misogyny via her activist group Collective Shout) exchanged words with him before last week's show. After the show started he yelled out:
"F-ckin b-tch, I hope she hear me call her a b-tch too. F-ckin whore. This f-ckin song is dedicated to you, you f-ckin c-nt." The dedicated song was “Bitch Suck D-ck.”"

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Can you "fire" a husband for verbal abuse?

This news  bit (below) just came out about firing coaches for being verbally abusive--would that we could "fire" husbands and boyfriends and wives for being abusive...hey, wait--WE CAN! But acutally, if we employ the Respect-me rules, we don't need to fire them because following the rules stops abuse in its tracks--(pun intended for the coach story) Read about the verbally abusive coaches below:


Rutgers’ new athletic director under scrutiny for allegations of verbal abuse — MSNBC: "Rutgers University is involved in another athletic controversy two months after the men’s basketball coach was fired over charges of verbally abusing players."

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Fine for verbal abuse, obstructing police and drug utensils

I love this... a guy starts verbally abusing an older woman in public and he gets arrested! Bravo for those police!

Fine for verbal abuse, obstructing police and drug utensils | Fraser Coast Chronicle: "Police prosecutor Senior Constable Jeanette Grigoris said Jaime John Brook was arrested for public nuisance on March 7 in Torquay, after police found him yelling and swearing at an elderly woman in a driveway."

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Co-Parenting With An Abuser: How to Help Your Kids, Yourself | Verbal Abuse in Relationships

There is a disconnect between the courts and having to coparent your kids with an abuser--how do you protect them--well its not easy. How do you protect yourself when trying to protect them--The courts are all about giving equal parenting rights and seem to poo poo any real crys for help--My friends are going through this now--I won't go into details out of regards for their privacy--but the mother married an abuser who is literally choking the kids and threatening to kill their father!!!! Yet the courts are lackadaisical about it--sigh--here is a good article for those of you questioning this.

Co-Parenting With An Abuser: How to Help Your Kids, Yourself | Verbal Abuse in Relationships: "It seems that the courts would have more sense when it comes to co-parenting with any abuser, but especially a proven-in-a-court-of-law abuser found guilty of domestic violence, child abuse, or any sexual crimes. There is a disconnect between criminal court and family court that endangers our children with the mistaken belief that two parents, of any sort, is preferable to protecting our children from dangerous people."

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Another new graduate for the "Verbal Abuse Defense"

We want to let Connie W know how proud we are of her--she just received her certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense.  Way to go girl!

Abused animals can recover mentally and emotionally

I have a little rescue dog--5 lbs that I took in a few years ago. He was so wounded and so neglected that when you through a toy, he cringed. I thought Zipper would never be normal, but in a couple  of years, he was a normal dog--hey ladies--if Zipper can do it, so can we!
This is a good study--read it.

New study finds abused animals can recover mentally and emotionally - Birmingham science news | Examiner.com: "The surprising results were that the majority of goats that had experienced neglect or abuse in the past displayed a higher level of goal seeking for food in a never before seen environment than the goats that had never been neglected or abused.
The researchers conclude that the removal of the stress of neglect and abuse produced a return to normal behavior and may have produced added resilience to the goat's behaviors."

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Respect Me Rules Workshop --Certificates

respectmerules.com
We have a lot of folks receiving their Certificates in Verbal Abuse Defense. Sometimes people rush through the lessons and they don't receive the benefits that they could. So when you go through the course, slow down and let the  courses soak in.

Congratulations to
 Mary
Abdul,
Jane

for this weeks certificates. The new work book in verbal defense is published and with the vendors--we will keep you posted!

Respect Me Rules Workshop Introduction: "Our FREE Web-based Tutorial will help you understand abusive issues in depth. On this page we present a brief introduction to the tutorial and some guidelines. The tutorial is divided into four sections designed to help build your understanding of the skills used by those who go from victim to victor. The tutorial is free but you must complete all four forms at the end of each section in order to earn your Verbal Abuse Defense Certificate."

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!

I just love Dr. Irene's web site on verbal abuse. she has helped so many people. On this page are the stories of a man and woman who came from separate abusive relationships and finally found each other. Dr. Irene doesn't comment but invites readers to--what do you think? It's a good exercise to supplement the online line tutorial. 

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!: "Merging: 1 Female + 1 Male Survivor = 1 Couple"

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How to Respond to Verbal, Emotional Abusers

It looks like June Hunt has read our book! She espouses the condensed version of our respect me rules! Yea, its catching on. and best of all, she uses the Bible to back this up. Things are definitely getting better with Christianity and abuse!

How to Respond to Verbal, Emotional Abusers: "Six-Step Strategy to Stop Abuse
To curtail the abuse, Georgia needed a plan. "You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself so that the abusive tactics are no longer effective." I shared with her the following six-step strategy:
#1: Clearly state what you are willing to accept and are not willing to accept from the abuser.
Communicate your position in positive terms. Keep your statement short and succinct. Don't justify and don't apologize. Simply state your boundaries.
"I want our relationship to continue, but I'm not willing to listen to name calling. … I'm not willing to hear your accusations. … I'm not willing to endure any longer the onslaught of profanity.""

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Respect-Me RULES - WEB-MIX

There's a new thing on the internet and I kinda like it. It's called a web mix and is a series of square (tiles) that are icons and link to various topics or items of interest. symbaloo is hosting the webmix for respect-ME RULES--it has all the things our web site has, but it's located on one page--the web-mix! take a look and see if you like it--you can even earn your certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense by clicking on the "S" then the "p" through "t"--fun--tell us what you think.

Respect-Me RULES - Symbaloo: "About this webmix : Verbal & Emotional Abuse can be stopped by understanding and using a few basic self respect principles. We show you how to change the way you think about abuse, how you respond, and how to stop it in its tracks. Earn a certificate in Verbal Abuse Defense by clicking on the "s" then"

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Keri Hilson On Twitter, 'Years Of Verbal Abuse... Enough Is Enough!'

Wow--I just love it when people know how to respect themselves and stand up for themselves--right on Keri! Here is something she posted (you can read the whole story by clicking through  and I support this women--more of us need this kind of courage.

Keri Hilson Has Mini Breakdown On Twitter, 'Years Of Verbal Abuse... Enough Is Enough!': "It’s TOO much!! Please! Is everything I tweet gonna be “intentionally misinterpreted” as a statement abt someone/drama I know nothing about? You have no idea what your hateful words could do to someone’s spirit. Years of verbal abuse from strangers all day long. Enough is enough! I’m here for MY FANS! I’m stronger than you imagine, but waking up/goin to bed to your ugliness is just TOO MUCH, kids. I get it, ok? You can stop now. As far as WHATEVER ur really mad about, I had my reasons. It’s been yrs! Just chalk it up to your ignorance of my reality and LET…IT…GO."

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You-are-a-Target Workshop is Streamlined and simple!

Good news regarding the "You are a Target" verbal abuse workshop. It has been streamlined with Section "completion forms" at the end of each section. You can fill them out online and submit with a simple push of a button to get your assignments in.

When you complete all 4 assignments, you earn a Certificate of Completion which is signed by Dr. Marshall and emailed to you. You no longer need a password for Section 3 and 4.

Before the upgrading,  a number of participants got lost in cyberland. However, the files have been recovered and we can send the certificate with just a quick check of our records.

If you already went through the workshop, check to see if you completed each section--and if not, you can do it now. Other wise, get started today. Click here.

Section 1 Defining the Problem:
Section 2 The Miracle Principle:
Section 3 What are the 12 Respect-me RULES?
Section 4 Closure

If you completed them, please reply to this email and request your Certificate of Completion (be sure to give us your name)--or simply send in the completion forms at the end of the sections you missed and we will get your participation logged and send out your certificate.

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Please become a follower of this site--When you make comments on this blog, you help other women in your same shoes.

It will also help us us if your become a fan our face book page.

Signed, Dr. Mike and Shelly

time to weigh in on violence against women act.

Although I applaud the Violence Against Women act for attempting equalize the playing field between men beating the crap out of women--I am sick that they are now encouraging women to play "victim" with verbal and emotional abuse -are you kidding me???? it is a federal crime now to verbally abuse your partner--the same partner,  as we know here at Your Are A Target--that wimp and whine and give their power away to their mates? Now when women get their feelings hurt they can prosecute their mate?

Attorneys are already jumping on the band wagon to encourage women to take advantage of this new sickening part of the law--instead of teaching women that no one can verbally abuse them unless they allow it--instead of giving women back their power--they have stripped them of their dignity--encourage them to break up their families and blame blame blame. Wow--we should be teaching girls and women that they are strong--not calling them victims and showing them how to punish and blame their partners---

Here's one attorney jumping on the band wagon--and exploiting families:

The Law Offices of Gary J. Kim - Related Immigration Articles - VAWA Waiver & I-751 Abuse Waiver: "Those who suffered mental abuse, verbal abuse or emotional abuse can self-petition through VAWA without evidence of physical abuse.

In order to prove abuse, many forms of evidence are accepted by the USCIS. A police report or hospital report may serve as clear evidence that the victim has suffered some form of physical, mental or verbal abuse. In addition, an independent report from a social services agency, an independent report from a psychologist, a support letter from minister or pastor and affidavits from friends and family members who witnessed the abuse can serve as evidence of abuse."

In addition to throwing millions of women into the victim position VAWA also has other serious flaws:

VAWA has increased prosecution rates of domestic violence cases, but there is little conclusive evidence that it has significantly reduced the incidence of violence. According to the Department of Justice (DOJ), the rate of intimate partner violence dropped 64% between 1994 and 2010, a drop pro-VAWA policymakers largely attribute to the law. But this decrease happened at the same time violent crime as a whole fell dramatically nationwide, making it hard to know whether a drop in domestic violence might have happened without the policies adopted under VAWA. Read more:

And there are a multitude of reasons this act will hurt women which you can read here: http://womenagainstvawa.org/

Women need to stop verbal abuse themselves by learning not to let their partners walk on them--they don't need to be blaming their partners for what they allow in their lives--this new expanded part of the law will serious set women back in taking back their power.

I am sick about it.



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The First Step to Ending the Bullying Crisis | Articles

The First Step to Ending the Bullying Crisis | Articles: "Life is not Heaven. We all know the pain of being victimized. In fact, the place we are most likely to be intimately familiar with this pain is not in school or at work but at home, within the family. It is also human nature to blame others for our misery, to see ourselves as the good guys and them as the bad guys who need to change. So we readily sympathize with victims and want the government to eradicate bullies from society. At long last we have a school of psychology that validates our primitive beliefs that others are indeed to blame for our misery and that it’s society’s responsibility to make them change. (We conveniently fail to consider that this same psychology encourages others to call us bullies and to blame us for their misery.) Because we desperately want the research to confirm the success of this psychology, we develop amnesia for scientific standards and fail to subject the bullying studies to rigorous criticism. As long as the researchers incorporate appropriate control groups and correctly apply complex mathematical formulas to their data, the assumptions and conclusions they present are likely to be accepted by the peer-reviewers, who like the assumptions and conclusions."

Izzy is the BEST persona there is to discover what bullying is all about and what we can do about it. Abusers are bullies. They may start in their childhood on the playgrounds or they may start in their marriage when they try to get their spouse to "behave" but in any case, when we let them get away with bullying us, we become a part of the problem. Izzy points out how it is seductive to want to blame others--his principles are for kids, not meant for verbal abuse--or is it? you decide--his stuff is GREAT and yes, it applies to your relationship.




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Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages

80% seems pretty high to me, but then this is an Irish statistic so maybe it is less for us in the US. Maybe Not. I suffered verbal and emotional abuse in each of my marriages (first 18 months 2nd less than 3 years, 3rd less than 4 years). I kept trying, but the point was that I did not "get it" that I trained them to abuse me! YES I did. How? I kept thinking that if I could make them understand how I loved them, if I could be kind enough and loving enough and sweet enough that they would "get it" about me and how much I loved them.

Yeah right. What happened is that when they were mean and ugly, I got sweeter and kinder! What did they get? that when they acted badly, I responded and was really nice to them. I have to take responsibility for what I allowed them to become.

Here's the story from Ireland--see what you think--is 80% realistic?

Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages | Irish Examiner: "Verbal abuse, anxiety, stress cause problems in 80% of marriages
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Verbal abuse, anxiety, and stress led to problems in almost 80% of marriages last year while reports of physical violence have decreased, figures show."

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When is verbal abuse illegal in America?

So Yahoo has this poll going to see who gave the best answer to "When if verbal abuse illegal in America?" I am a staunch believer in the first Amendment so it would take a LOT to get me to say someone's words should be illegal! Maybe real world threats--sex talk to children--yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theater. France passed laws already that make verbal and emotional abuse illegal...nice try France, how's that working out for you?

I know that things do vary by sate. For instance, when my ex destroyed half our living room, I wanted to make him responsible for destruction of property. I called the police only to find out that in Virginia, you are allowed to destroy what you own--even jointly so no consequences. However, a friend of mine, Jim Porter, who owned a treatment center in Colorado said that it was not legal there to destroy property--especially when intimidating a partner--you could go to jail for that.

Since I believe that we should NOT keep secrets and that our partners should take responsibility for their behavior, having the legal system involved can be a good tool for forcing partners to face their own behavior.

But its a state law thing. You gotta use your own judgement...

So, what do you think? See this Yahoo posting a week ago and take the poll...

When is verbal abuse illegal in America? - Yahoo! Answers: "When is verbal abuse illegal in America?
so is there anything you can say to someone that will get you arrested. say they provoke a fight with words is there anything you can do to legally defend yourself? what if someone spits on you? is that illegal?"

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Penguins notebook: Malkin on verbal abuse: 'It was my fault' |

Here is a sports hero who actually took responsibility for verbal abuse--it wasn't his lady and he didn't have any consequences, but you know, this is adult behavior! (well, after the fact). I really wish we had more "role models"  like this. Kudos to you Malkin!


Penguins notebook: Malkin on verbal abuse: 'It was my fault' | TribLIVE: "Center Evgeni Malkin is taking ownership of his unprofessional behavior at the end of the Penguins' 5-2 loss to the Toronto Maple Leafs at Consol Energy Center on Wednesday.

Malkin was tagged with a game misconduct penalty after the game for verbally abusing an on-ice official. He was not suspended for the incident."

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This woman reaches out. Laura Cowan

Laura Cowan survived life in a very abusive situation--it was physical as well as verbal and emotional--She sent us this...I think she has totally turned her life around and now she gets the respect she deserves, what can we learn from her? she sent this in to show us all that if she can turn things around in the worst of circumstances, so can you! Check out what she has to say:

I'm a volunteer at the Domestic Violence Child Advocacy Center of Greater Cleveland. I'm a community activist, and a domestic violence advocate and a survivor of domestic violence. I've appeared on channel 3, channel 5 and channel 19, I was nominated and won for my community work in domestic violence from the American Red Cross Hero's award. I survived one of the most notorious domestic violence abuse cases in recent California history. My encounter with the twisted logic of abuse began in 1995 outside a motel room in Riverside. That’s when a spate of bad luck led me into a bizarre, four-year odyssey of polygamy, torture and psychological trauma. The case, involving 19 victims, made national headlines, even CNN, earning the abuser seven life terms in prison. As outrageous as it was, my story fits a typical pattern. It’s a story of fear so intense it strips victims of everything but the will to survive. Now a speaker, counselor and forceful advocate for abused women I would like to bring awareness to Domestic Violence. The LA Times did a multimedia piece on my story. please click on the links below to view it. The video, multi-media piece and story that the LA Times did on me and my family, are all the links below (there are 3 parts): http://framework.latimes.com/2011/11/10/laura-cowan/ 
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-laura-cowan-20111109,0,4263212.story

MADD - Social Host

I just picked up a flyer from Yucca Valley's admin office here is California. It intrigued me because it was titled , "Social Host ordinance." This is yet another law to deter drinking in underage youth. Basically, this ordinance makes it illegal and you libel if you serve alcohol to minors.  According to the pamphlet  over 90% of teens say home is the place where they get and drink alcohol.

I have trouble with this on many levels but the first is that you cannot legislate family morals and values. Once again government is stepping into our homes to take over, because they know better than us.

For all the parents I work with, they already KNOW that it is illegal to serve and host illegal drugs and alcohol to minors. They know this. so the the new "ordinance" does exactly what?

I am for parental responsibly, yet adding another layer of laws to control families (for laws that already exist  is not the answer). OK, it makes the city council members feel good--like they have "helped" their community, but what they have actually done is added another layer of nanny government and accomplishing nothing.

Education is a much better solution. I like the little pamphlet but abhor the creation of bigger government to "save" us from ourselves.

Consider this In the 1960s, 7 percent of new female drinkers were ages 10 to 14. Today the figure is at 31 percent.

And our "War on Drugs" (ie more enforcement, more laws, bigger government) is questionable "Despite a high incarceration level for drug offenses at both the federal and state level, the effectiveness of the anti-drug strategy is questionable. On the supply side, drugs continue to be widely available at lower prices on the street. At the user level, the dramatic reversal of American drug use which occurred in the 1990's has changed and the percentage of Americans regularly using drugs remains high. Lifetime drug use by high school seniors has fluctuated between 40% and 55% over the last 20 years"

Here is MADDs take--I support social responsibly and their guidelines, just not making government bigger.

MADD - Social Host: "What is Social Host?
Social host refers to adults who host parties where alcohol is served on property they control. Through social host liability laws, adults can be held responsible for these parties if underage people are served, regardless of who furnishes the alcohol. Teen parties are a primary setting for underage drinking for high school and college students and high consumption of alcohol and binge drinking."

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Life With An Abuser vs Life Free to Choose|

When you practice learning self-respect and how to force your partner to respect (which doesn't involve force at all), you don't have to worry about leaving them--if they can't learn to respect you, they often are the ones to leave. I know, because when I set my boundaries --ie, you will not run naked around the neighborhood and you will seek help) he chose to leave me. I insisted we live apart while he get therapy--and us together -and once we were in therapy, we could decide if we had a marriage worth saving. He decided he would leave me because  "I would not stand by him." Well, I saw it as me going above and beyond, but he saw it as desertion...

Go figure. In any case, yes, I'm glad he left, although it was not my first choice--below read about a woman who left her abuser--good story.

Life With An Abuser vs Life Free to Choose| Verbal Abuse | Emotional Abuse | About Domestic Violence: "I left my life with an abuser almost three years ago, and the real roller coaster ride revealed itself. On the uphill climbs"  I feel simultaneously excited and worried about reaching the top. Sitting on the peak, before the thrilling plummet, I feel on top of my game, as if nothing can break me. The ride down leaves me breathless, heart pounding, and then, as everyone whose ridden a roller coaster knows, there is a period of hairpin turns and loops; during this part of the ride I feel out of control and uncomfortable.

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