Verbal Abuse: Is Your Relationship Verbally Abusive?

Boy is this the truth, "A master at verbal abuse can damage your self-esteem while, at the same time, appear to care deeply for you." Because they care so deeply (and usually they do!) we end up justifying or excusing the abuse. and once again we mistakenly beleive that if, just if, we get it right, they will love and respect us...

this is one of the ways we reinforce the abuse!

Verbal Abuse: Is Your Relationship Verbally Abusive?: "Verbal abuse is difficult to identify and regrettably can be a common type of abuse in some marriages. Not all words that are meant to hurt are "ugly words." A master at verbal abuse can damage your self-esteem while, at the same time, appear to care deeply for you. The use of words to punish is a very covert attempt to control and regardless of how loving your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is wrong and can be just has harmful as physical abuse."

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Yes women need to be better protected in domestic violence, Mr. Clegg, but so do men

Here's an interesting view on domestic abuse--saying allthe "right" things--trying to show how if we change "tem" our life will improve. it's really hard to get away from that in our society of blame blame blame. Read her article and see if you can identify what will really help a target of abuse and what is blaming. Remember from "Respect-Me Rules" that if you up and leave your abuser before changing YOUR behavior, you will simply attract or train a new partner as an abuser too.

The author, Sonya, does mention that we have to include men in our considerations too. Some women are terriby abusive--yet remmber, in order them to abuse, we have to let it happen--again and again and agian.

Here's an exceprt but I encourage you to read the whole article and pick out the recommendations that will help you stop abuse and what is likely to keep the pattern in place.

But, and it has to be said, why in our so-called enlightened times are we continuing to act as if men are not also on the receiving end of vitriol and attack? Why is Domestic Violence still portrayed as men as the abuser and women as the abused?
What is clear to me, juding by the abundance of help available to women from nationwide shelters and confidential hotlines and the lack of similar assistance for men, is that failing to recognise it as a real issue leaves us in a quagmire of inequality incapable

top ten list of the holiday traditions I happily leave in my past.

 Hey, I ran across Kelly Holly's top ten list and I tend to agree--read for a laugh--or maybe some tears!

I was sitting around on Thanksgiving Day thinking about all of the holiday traditions I left behind when I left my husband. Amazingly, there aren’t any that I miss. I really did try to get myself choked up about my lack of traditional family time, but the tears wouldn’t come. Instead, I ended up with a top ten list of the holiday traditions I happily leave in my past.

1.) His insistence on his family’s traditional foods. That wouldn’t be so bad except my family’s traditional dishes were unapproved.

for the rest of Kelly's top ten, click here:

Pervocracy: Escalation

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/11/escalation.html

verbal abuse and The Closer

I watched the first episode of the Closer this weekend and saw a GREAT line for a woman stopping abuse dead in its tracks before it takes ahold. If only all of us us could learn these principles (Miracle principles). what happened was that Brenda was put in charge of the homicide team in LA and the guys hated that an outsider was promosted over them--they got really contrary with her. At one point one of the guys said, "Why do you have to be such a bitch?" Brenda stopped and confronted him and replied, "If I wanted to be called a bitch to my face, I would still be married." and she walked away.

No fan fair--no outrage--but a great comeback that stops abuse! If any of you see great lines on TV or at the movies, please send them in--in fact, I think we should start a collection of great one-liners that fit our principles of NO MORE VICTIM and demanding the respect we deserve.

TNT - The Closer: Home:

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Respect begins at home!

             A guest article from Natalie Hunter, who blogs for onlineschools.org

Have you ever been made to feel as if you were in denial about the reality of the things that happen in your relationship? The harder that you try to persuade your partner of your feelings, the more that you find yourself believing his version of events. Whether it comes from your spouse, significant other or your boss, this is a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.

You don't need to attend an online school to learn emotionally abusive relationships are characterized by an imbalance of power. This is your abuser's secret weapon when it comes to keeping you firmly where they want you. The weapon comes with many different types of ammunition, such as:

• Gaslighting- In this situation the abuser will feed you false information that will cause you to doubt your own memory and perception of events. Generally the three tactics they will be to deny, minimize or blame the abuse on you. They can be so convincing that before long you believe what they tell you about your own reality.

• Intimidation- An abuser may display weapons, make you afraid, hurt your pets or break your belongings.

• Emotional Abuse- Name calling, insulting, humiliation, and instilling feelings of guilt are common campaign to make you feel inferior to them.

• An abuser may also coerce, threaten, use male privilege or your children as tools to keep you in line.

Many people think of domestic violence in terms of the classic image of a blue-collar guy in a wife-beater shirt, smacking a lady around. Yet, this isn’t always the case. Just because someone has never hit you doesn't mean they aren't abusing you in other ways. Abusers are masters of stealing your personal power by demeaning you, not taking you seriously, and refusing to own up to their actions.

Abusive relationships take a toll on women at home and in the work place. Abuse leads to a downward spiral of poor self-esteem, and conditions you to be accepting of this type of behavior. However this conduct may not be limited to the home, bullies at work often use many of the same techniques. Some may be more aggressive than others, engaging in a variety of actions.

They may be overt, such as making disrespectful comments about you, or covert in their means of belittling you. However the Workplace Bullying Institute reports as many as 46 percent of Americans have experienced some form of abuse. A few of the symptoms include:

• Belittling, criticizing and humiliation.

• Threatening by stares, gestures or appearing hostile.

• Failure to acknowledge good work, creating unrealistic job expectations or excessive micro-management of work.

In our society, women are often pre-conditioned to accept this behavior. Taught from an early age to put the needs of others before themselves, females often end up trying to uphold a double standard. It may be true that, to some degree, women are hardwired to be more empathetic. Yet that doesn’t mean you have to end up a victim, being the proverbial doormat for someone to wipe their feet on. Tolerance of abusive relationships can lead to desensitization, which leaves you vulnerable to further abuse.

Enduring an abusive relationship at home creates a level of tolerance that spills over into the work environment. When you accept that your opinion is less valuable than that of others, it creates a dynamic that sets you up for a repetitive pattern of believing what you are told about yourself. This can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem, and may hinder professional advancement. Insist on a healthy relationship, where there is mutual respect.

Characteristics of a healthy relationship include:

• Listening without passing judgment on how someone should feel.

• Understanding about emotions and attach importance to opinions.

• Respecting that everyone has a right to their own thoughts, activities and feelings.

• Ensuring that behavior allows for safe and comfortable communication.

• Accepting responsibility for actions and accountability for actions.

By insisting on, and modeling respectful behavior, it is possible for you to overcome the negative self-image that many women develop. Achieving harmony and success both at home and in the workplace, is an attainable goal. Knowledge and understanding of why abusive situation occur can go a long way towards developing successful strategies for overcoming this destructive cycle.

Some Really Good Stuff

BrainWashers

Here is an interesting site that describes a lot symptoms. I especially like the term, "brainwhaser." This is what they call abusers--good term!

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse: "HE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher."

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A subtle, yet serious, form of emotional abuse

I just read a blogpost on "Gaslighting".

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to make their target think they are crazy, their reactions on abnormal, or wrong, or... in some way completely invalidate the other person.

The blog is not superbly written, and there are a few things I really didn't like about it. (The biggest being that he seemed to think that it was only a problem done to women, and that he could tell other women what their problem was.)

There was one line that really struck me, "That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

Here it is in a little more context:

"These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

That is what emotional abuse does to a person. They can't express what is going on, and when they try to express it (especially to the person that is already abusing them), they are told to forget about it, and in order to forget about that kind of violation to their own psychological boundaries, they forget about themselves. We dismiss ourselves. I dismissed myself.

It's heartbreaking.

After years of being told to dismiss my own emotions, experiences, myself, I didn't need anyone else to do it for me. I told MYSELF I was crazy. I told myself I was too sensitive, overreacting, nuts, I deserved it, to just forget it, it wasn't important, I wasn't important, etc.

I believed it for a long time, but it just wasn't true.

I still have a hard time knowing if my reactions are "too much". The most valuable tool I have found is to think about how I would react if someone was doing or saying (...) to my sister, my friend, to those that I really love, how would I react? I believe I deserve the same love (and boundaries) I want for those that I care about most.

I wouldn't want my sister to take abuse, so I won't take abuse.

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

Quite a few people are signing up now. Please be sure to let us know when you finish so we can send you a certificate. If you make it through this course, you deserve the certificate!

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop: "This training course is FREE for anyone who wants to stop being the target of abuse and get the respect they deserve. You can do it and we show you how. Section 1 of the course can be started immediately after you read the Introduction, guidelines and disclaimer. If you find Section 1 helpful, then we invite you to continue with the second, more advanced half of the workshop. Section 2 is also free but requires the use of our Respect-Me Rules book because the lessons are based on the 12 Respect-me Rules and how to implement them. This educational tool is designed to give you clear and practical information on this issues. The tutorial is moderated by Dr. Marshall and Shelly Marshall.
"

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Recommendation For If You Decide to Call Out Verbal Abuse

There is a great blog from Healthy Place that discusses what may happen when one names the abuse for their abuser. Respect-Me Rule number 10 "Call Attention to Verbal Abuse" is what deals with this in the Marshall approach. Yet, Kellie Holly, tells how the calling out the abuse escalated to violence in her relationship:

My Results From Calling Out Verbal Abuse (Yours May Vary)Naming the type of abuse out loud escalated the abuse to the point that he was a raging bull at all times. We COULDN’T talk. I hated having to give up whatever I was doing to leave the room, and a lot of the time he followed me. We played a sick “follow the leader” game around the house with him shouting as I tried to find refuge (and continued naming the type of abuse).

Naming the abuse can do several things, 1. show you, as it did Hollie, that your partner has no intention of changing, 2. escalate the abuse, especially if you call attentiont to abuse in a confrontational way, 3. or allow your partner to become more aware of he or she is doing.

Some abusive partners truly don't realize the extent of their behvaior--and remember, we often have trained them it is OK to mistreat us. In these cases a low key approach to calling attention, often without words, can benefit change in the relationship. However, if you are with a hard-core verbal abuser, a real control freak who is very afraid of losing control, you might experience some of the same things Hollie did. She put a list of the abuse up on the refrigerator. Coming across judgemental and accusatory to any partner probably will have a simelar outcome.

When I began my path to having my husband repsect me, I called attention to his abuse by whipping out a tape recorder every time he started in on me. It dramatically changed his behavior right away. So even if you don't think they know what they are doing, at some level they do know or their behavior wouldn't improve when they think others might hear. There are other ways to call attention to the abuse in a non-threatening way...if any of you have ways to do it, things you have used sucessfully, please share..

Introducing Myself

It was a little more than a month ago that Shelly asked if I would like to be a guest blogger here.. I loved the idea, and I really struggled with what to write. Last night, it finally hit me. The struggle is actually my feelings about the book Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

I love it, and I hate it.

Let me explain.

Four years ago, I was in a marriage that was physically and emotionally abusive, and I didn't know it. I refused to believe it. I sat with a church leader who showed me a list of behaviors that constituted abuse, and I knew I had experienced everything on the list, but I also knew it wasn't abuse. I knew I deserved it. Really, I knew a lot of things that simply weren't true... about me, about him, about love, about relationships.

I had been taught since I was very young that love = sacrifice. Love is always patient, kind, long-suffering. Love is never selfish, and thinking about myself or what I wanted was selfish. I believed it was my job to never get angry or offended - no matter what other people did. I believed that no matter what anyone else did to me, I had to take it. At the same time, I was angry, depressed, anxious and very suicidal. (And strangely enough, I used those things as just more "proof" that I deserved to be abused.)

I started going to therapy. When asked what my goals for therapy were, I actually said, "I want you to help me not be angry anymore. I want you to teach me how to just take it like I should."

I'm very grateful for what he said next, "Then you better leave now and go find a new therapist. I will NOT be a part of that."

That was the beginning of my journey. I went through a lot of therapy, read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching, crying, yelling, screaming, and fighting to regain my life. Last year, in my wanderings, I found the book, Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

It disagreed with everything I believed about relationships. It talked about boundaries. It talked about standing up for myself. It talked about a lot of things that I didn't understand, and I completely disagreed with. I hated it.

It also gave me hope for something I had never known. Maybe one day, I would be able to stand up for myself. I could have different relationships, because my marriage was not the only place that I felt used, angry, or abused. (I did eventually learn to call abuse, abuse, but it took a while.) I felt used in most of my relationships. I knew that people cared about me. I understood that most people didn't want to hurt me, but I didn't understand how to do it differently. In many ways, I didn't understand that there was another possibility. The book gave me specific suggestions and ideas, and got me thinking about things differently. I loved it.

I still feel that same love-hate towards the book. My copy is beat up. I have actually thrown it across the room, and cried out in frustration, "I SO don't want to have to know this stuff!"

Lately, respecting me is becoming a little more natural to me. I'm very different from when I started this journey. I've come to realize that I don't "have to" know anything, however I want a better life. By becoming aware of what is, I'm creating the life I've always wanted.

I'm still in the process of discovering me. I have so much to learn. I've also come SO far, and I'm excited to share some of my journey with all of you.

Cheers,

jen

P.S.

A little bit about me: I love horses and nature. My horse, Sunny, pretty much saved my life by teaching me how to trust another being and how to ask for what I wanted. I'm divorced. I love funny movies and books that make me think. If you want to know anything else, you're welcome to visit my personal blog. I'm pretty open over there about whatever pops into my head.

questions_answers 1

questions_answers 1

This is a great site--it looks like Kim and Steve have figured out how to gain respect in your love relationship. they claim there are three things that you must never do if you want to stop the verbal abuse.

1. Stop asking your partner to change.

2. Stop encouraging them to share their feelings.

3. Stop trying to please them.

For those of you who read "Respect me Rules" or taken the FREE verbal abuse online workshop, you have heard this before. This couple is basically same the same things Dr. Marshall and myself are teaching--its a good support site.

For those of you who have not taken our online workshop--its free, and it will help begin the process of changing the way you think about your partner and about yourself. Isn't it time these changes begin?

It gets better--hang in there!

Publisher's Poster Page for book is up!

Our Publisher, Cedar Fort has published a Poster Page for us.

Click for Poster Page

Please check it out--you can look inside the book and see if this is the program you need.

(Note to Jen:--would you send me your email address? Send to daybyday at  cut.net

Thanks.

Abusers begin as Bullies--See DATELINE's new report

Where do abusers come from? Its not as complicated an answer as you might think--they come from bullies--both men and women.  In fact a verbal and emotional abuser is just a fancy term for BULLY. Dateline did a special on bullying and it's something we can learn from, if we choose--If you ever get to see the program, it has a lot of helpful insights. See the Dateline report 'My Kid Would Never Bully' with Kate Snow.

Unfortunately, although the program itself was excellent, they fell short on their website resource, "Tips about Bullying." It advises to tell on the bully (not usually helpful). It follows with advice for adults that falls way short! The BEST ever advice on bullies is the work done by  Izzy Kalman at Bullies2Buddies. This man understands the dynamics behind bullying and has the only effective approach for kids we have seen--and it doesn't involve "telling" unless  physical danger is imminent.

But back to the program itseft--it was GREAT. The woman expert, Roselynn, was very knowledgeable.  The crew had set up hidden cameras and hired actors to bully another actor. There were three to four kids (scenes were done with both boys and girls) who were bystanders. The parents and crew wanted to see if the bystanders would stand up for the victim or join in. I was actually very proud of most of the kids--they often did try to stand up for the picked-on actor.

What has this got to do with us? Well, the principles concerning bullies and abusers are the same--"power over another," as linda Evans would say. Their power goal is to control you and make you less than them. Many adult abusers start off their abusing careers--as school yard bullies. The take home lesson from this program is seeing how the kids effectively handled the bully, because that teaches us how to "handle" adult bullies.

The most important lesson came from a young gril named Lilly. The set up was two girl bullies picking on a fat girl and getting really mean, "everyone knows that you don't wear horizontal stripes when you're big."--Lilly wasn't having any of it and confronted them right off the bat. She was extremely agrressive about not letting the girls bully the fat chick, even going to the point of getting on her knees and mockingly paying homage to the bullies.

Once the adults came back to the rooma nd let the kids know what was going on--relief was swift. However, then some of the parents asked, "Did Lilly go too far? Did she get too aggressive in standing up for the girl?" In our socieity we are taught to tone it down, be kind, and don't overreact..." that is the sort of teaching that makes women suspectable to being a target int he first place.

Rosilyn's answer? "Kindness doesn't work! It shows weakness." How right she is! We applaud her honest and straightwoard approach. This is what we teach our targets--do not be kind about stopping abuse. That is not to say be unkind. But you must be firm and you must not "tone it down." Remember you are meant to be respected and demanding respect works.

Thanks Dateline--this was a good start--now lets take the priciples to the adult bully. And thanks, Lilly, you are the role model that shows us what the Miracle Principle is all about!

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace

Listen to our radio interview--15 minutes and the host, Gary, helps us give a great summery of what is in the book!

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace: "As we heard from our guest Kellie Holly last week,verbal and emotional abuse is insidious and destructive. Once you recognize you’re in an abusive relationship, what do you do about it? Shelly and Dr. Michael Marshall say putting a stop to verbal and emotional abuse is up to you."

My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I love this women!!!! Go read her blog. She GETS it! Kelly understands that to be abused you have to allow it.

My Verbally Abusive Marriage:

"I’ve written before that abuse is a cycle. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum, meaning that an abuser cannot be an abuser if there is no one to abuse. A victim cannot be a victim if there is no one to transfer authority to.

I did just that. I transferred my authority over ME to him a very long time ago. I gave me away. I chose to be the harmony instead of the melody. I chose to give up parts of myself in order to … to what?"

Shel also has a free download of a worksheet regarding how you allow abuse and why that abuser does it--work checking out her site.

New Safety options in IE browsing

Great news for targets of abuse--in Internet Explorer's 8 version you can actually, with the click of the mouse, browse privately without your partner seeing what you are doing on the computer. Although Dr. Marshall and myself believe it is best to be open with your abuser that you are now changing the way you let him or her treat you--there may be times when you want to "hide" that you are seeking help. that would be before you are ready to enforce the Respect-me RULES. Maybe you have employed a few boundaries but are not ready to go full out with your new-found attitude. Maybe you fear he is on the verge of violence and you don't want to give him any more fuel.

Well, IE8, as well as some other browsers, makes it easier. If you want to browse and not have other people find out where you've been surfing, use In Private Browsing. You can start an InPrivate session either by; opening a new browser tab and clicking the Open An InPrivate Window link or by clicking the Safety Menu in the Command Bar and selecting InPrivatre Browsing. If you need their service USE IT. We want you be comfortable as you learn your new skills for having people respect you and treat you the way you should be treated.

Several other browsers strive to do the same--but the system is imperfect, so if physical safety is a problem, don't trust the system, according to a company that sells protection software.

InPrivate Browsing" in Internet Explorer, "Incognito mode" in Chrome, and "Private Browsing" in Firefox and Safari all strive to do the same two things: make it impossible for users of the same computer to figure out which sites the browser has been used to visit, and make it impossible for sites to know whether or not a particular user has previously visited them.

The researchers found that the browsers' protections were imperfect. Browsers did not properly isolate their private sessions from non-private ones, with the result that suitably crafted sites could trace visitors between private and non-private sessions. Sites could also leave persistent indications that they had been visited, allowing visits to be detected by local users.

In any case--although not perfect--if you pay attention you can serf safely.

Posture has an effect on the way others treat you!

As reported by Frank Bures in the Scientific Mind, our posture affects the we feel about ourselves, a study suggests. If we "pose" in certain ways, it affects our hormone levels adjusting to the pose we take. For instance, If we put our feet up on the table, as if one is in charge--it makes the person feel more powerful and and produces a drop in the stress hormones.

Improving Posture and Poise to Improve Confidence

"Studies have shown that when you take up a confident posture you begin to feel more confident. As you look and feel more confident you act more confident and people will in turn treat you with more respect. As people around you start to react differently to your new found confidence it fuels your self-image and you become even more confident. It creates a powerful cycle that if maintained can steadily improve confidence over time."

http://ezinearticles.com/?Improving-Posture-and-Poise-to-Improve-Confidence&id=5474104
And
Posture
By Donald Dalton

In every moment we are awake, we can choose the way we want to feel. It starts with our thoughts and emotions. Our body then adjusts to match these thoughts and emotions. If you want to have a more positive outlook on your life, look at your posture when you sit, walk and the way you move. Walking with your chest out and your head in line with your shoulders will bring you more confidence and little changes to the way you sit, stand and carry yourself in general can have a huge impact in how others treat you.

Take a moment right now and think about a sad person sitting in a chair. How do they look? Is their head up or down? Are they sitting up straight or are they more slumped over? Now let us imagine this is someone you love like a family member. How do you approach them? Do you come in all smiling and happy or do you approach them more passively? Now let us change the example slightly and say that they are angry. How do they hold themselves? Do you feel like approaching them or not? What if they are happy? How are they sitting in the chair and how does your approach to them change? The posture that others have effects the way we treat them. It also effects the way others treat us.

http://www.dondalton.com/posture.html

So what does this mean for the person who is verbally and emotionally abused by partner?
It means that if you hunch over, avert your eyes, shuffle your feet and mouseily slide past your partner you are acting like a victim, weak, afraid and subservient. You are acting like a target and you increase your chances of your partner taking things out on you.

How should you act?  Try holding your head high when you talk even when he is angry. Look just to the side of brow but keep your gaze steady when you talk.  You don't look an abuser right in the eyes because subconsciously males take that as a challenge. You are not challenging them, you are simply not being subservient. When you break eye contact, look to the side--never down. If you look down to break eye contact you are submitting. With a person who is used to brow beating you, it is best to hold your ground at every opportunity.

When you sit in the living room and you are feeling especially vulnerable, try propping your feet up on the coffee table. This is a dominant position and will release hormones that help you feel more powerful and confident.

Putting your hands on your hips is another power position. Try these three things--head high, looking them int he face but not the eyes when talking,  propping your feet up on the coffee table and putting your hands on your hips--do this routinely for a few days and see the difference in how you feel. Then look for other power positions. posture, and poses.

Little things sometimes make a big difference. Comment and let us know how it affected you. In fact, try putting your feet up now!