Bad Mom’s Series: What You Say Can Be Harming Your Child

I am blown away by this article on verbal abuse and Moms. I am particularly sensitive to abuse stories and Moms because I was very abusive to my daughter at times--you could not say I was evil or anything--just single and trying to do my best and it fell short a lot of the time. When my skills fell short it was my beautiful daughter who got the brunt of my shortcomings and yes, I abused her. That being said, she is a great person who has done very well with herself and her own family. I do admire her and wonder how I didn't really really mess her up.

I hate it when professionals try to dump on Moms and act as if every bad thing in  a person was created by a stressed out yelling Mom who loses it frequently. My Mom was abusive--she was a drunk. I was abusive and I was sober. I like how myself and my brothers turned out--not ideal but we are capable adults, successful adults and we all three have integrity, despite our failings. My daughter is a capable, successful adult despite her failings--I like us a lot and sometimes much more than other families who I think are really self-centered and more flawed than us despite their "perfect" childhoods.  Am I rambling? So let me focus. The reason I lie this article so much is that it is sensible, doesn't villainize Moms and can actually give you GREAT advice is you are a single parent struggling to keep things together. Thank you Tameka for a great read and good advice in the verbal abuse arena.

Bad Mom’s Series: What You Say Can Be Harming Your Child: "What my friend said next was a total game changer for me. “While I’ll say you’re not a bad mom, you do need to stop yelling at the children because you are doing more harm than good. You sound like you are burned out. Just because you are a single mom doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself. You need to start asking your support system for help. Tameka, when was the last time you had some ‘me-time?’’ “What the heck is me-time?” I said as we continued the conversation."

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2 new graduates Michele and Piet

Michele is the same one who shared in our last blog--she has taken her time and given some of the most thoughtful answers Dr. Marshall and I have received. Sometimes people fly right through the tutorial and the lessons are not absorbed as well, so when you take the course, remember Michele and take your time.

Michele told us how she looks at detachment:

Detachment is the ability to get on with my life without letting my spouse's bad behaviour negatively affect me. It's not about being mean to someone else; instead, it's about me learning to not participate in "the dance."

Then a young man, Piet, is dealing with his female partner and had this to share:

It's when you stop focusing on your narcissistic partner trying to change them or humour them, and start focusing on yourself and the wounds your partner has helped you to identify within yourself and to start working on healing your wounds and become a whole independent person.

Good share, Piet. Piet also answered why it is not a good idea to let them treat us badly:

We are perpetuating their bad behaviour if we do this which will ultimately harm them and destroy them. It is better to treat them with respect and never give them a reason to say that we deserve their bad treatment as we treat them similarly or even worse.

Congratulations to both this month's graduates Michele S. and Piet P. 

How to spot verbal abuse and take action |

Here's an article on how to deal with abuse in your partner--this is a woman who has recently tried to deal with her partner with a bit of success. Unfortunately, she still doesn't quite get the picture. Why am I pointing you to this article? So you can evaluate for yourself what isn't working in this--Hint: Telling them how their actions make you "feel" gives them more power! So as you read this, look for what she has discovered does work, and look for what doesn't. If you took the tutorial, this is a bonus lesson--if you didn't go over now and sign up for it!.

How to spot verbal abuse and take action | Columns | tetonvalleynews.net: "Questions that victims of verbal abuse can begin to ask are: “What do you mean by that?" “What are you trying to achieve with that remark?” And later, if they are at receptive, tell them how it makes you feel. The more you don’t take their behavior personally (as a result of the blame that is placed on you) and the more you practice not reacting, the more you will feel empowered."



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How to deal with domestic abuse -Getting Doctors involved

Mor and more articles are now dealing with abuse--verbal and emotional. Many professionals still do not actually understand the difference between violence and abuse. They have support groups where the people are combined which is a huge mistake. Domestic violence is different from Abuse in that it must be handled quite differently. If it is not, the target could be in a lot of trouble. this post (below) talks about getting your doctor involved--that is good when it comes to violence but emotional abuse? most doctors would be lost, unless it was their specialty.  The complete post referenced below is good--but predictable.

How to deal with domestic abuse - The Jakarta Post: "Abusers know how to control and manipulate you. When there is another person involved who they cannot control, they will start to feel less powerful. Sometimes it is better to get a doctor involved, as they can refer you to the right support groups that have experience with domestic abuse. You can even meet other domestic abuse victims and survivors to share stories and get support.  "

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