Respect begins at home!

             A guest article from Natalie Hunter, who blogs for onlineschools.org

Have you ever been made to feel as if you were in denial about the reality of the things that happen in your relationship? The harder that you try to persuade your partner of your feelings, the more that you find yourself believing his version of events. Whether it comes from your spouse, significant other or your boss, this is a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.

You don't need to attend an online school to learn emotionally abusive relationships are characterized by an imbalance of power. This is your abuser's secret weapon when it comes to keeping you firmly where they want you. The weapon comes with many different types of ammunition, such as:

• Gaslighting- In this situation the abuser will feed you false information that will cause you to doubt your own memory and perception of events. Generally the three tactics they will be to deny, minimize or blame the abuse on you. They can be so convincing that before long you believe what they tell you about your own reality.

• Intimidation- An abuser may display weapons, make you afraid, hurt your pets or break your belongings.

• Emotional Abuse- Name calling, insulting, humiliation, and instilling feelings of guilt are common campaign to make you feel inferior to them.

• An abuser may also coerce, threaten, use male privilege or your children as tools to keep you in line.

Many people think of domestic violence in terms of the classic image of a blue-collar guy in a wife-beater shirt, smacking a lady around. Yet, this isn’t always the case. Just because someone has never hit you doesn't mean they aren't abusing you in other ways. Abusers are masters of stealing your personal power by demeaning you, not taking you seriously, and refusing to own up to their actions.

Abusive relationships take a toll on women at home and in the work place. Abuse leads to a downward spiral of poor self-esteem, and conditions you to be accepting of this type of behavior. However this conduct may not be limited to the home, bullies at work often use many of the same techniques. Some may be more aggressive than others, engaging in a variety of actions.

They may be overt, such as making disrespectful comments about you, or covert in their means of belittling you. However the Workplace Bullying Institute reports as many as 46 percent of Americans have experienced some form of abuse. A few of the symptoms include:

• Belittling, criticizing and humiliation.

• Threatening by stares, gestures or appearing hostile.

• Failure to acknowledge good work, creating unrealistic job expectations or excessive micro-management of work.

In our society, women are often pre-conditioned to accept this behavior. Taught from an early age to put the needs of others before themselves, females often end up trying to uphold a double standard. It may be true that, to some degree, women are hardwired to be more empathetic. Yet that doesn’t mean you have to end up a victim, being the proverbial doormat for someone to wipe their feet on. Tolerance of abusive relationships can lead to desensitization, which leaves you vulnerable to further abuse.

Enduring an abusive relationship at home creates a level of tolerance that spills over into the work environment. When you accept that your opinion is less valuable than that of others, it creates a dynamic that sets you up for a repetitive pattern of believing what you are told about yourself. This can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem, and may hinder professional advancement. Insist on a healthy relationship, where there is mutual respect.

Characteristics of a healthy relationship include:

• Listening without passing judgment on how someone should feel.

• Understanding about emotions and attach importance to opinions.

• Respecting that everyone has a right to their own thoughts, activities and feelings.

• Ensuring that behavior allows for safe and comfortable communication.

• Accepting responsibility for actions and accountability for actions.

By insisting on, and modeling respectful behavior, it is possible for you to overcome the negative self-image that many women develop. Achieving harmony and success both at home and in the workplace, is an attainable goal. Knowledge and understanding of why abusive situation occur can go a long way towards developing successful strategies for overcoming this destructive cycle.

Some Really Good Stuff

BrainWashers

Here is an interesting site that describes a lot symptoms. I especially like the term, "brainwhaser." This is what they call abusers--good term!

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse: "HE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher."

'via Blog this'

A subtle, yet serious, form of emotional abuse

I just read a blogpost on "Gaslighting".

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to make their target think they are crazy, their reactions on abnormal, or wrong, or... in some way completely invalidate the other person.

The blog is not superbly written, and there are a few things I really didn't like about it. (The biggest being that he seemed to think that it was only a problem done to women, and that he could tell other women what their problem was.)

There was one line that really struck me, "That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

Here it is in a little more context:

"These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

That is what emotional abuse does to a person. They can't express what is going on, and when they try to express it (especially to the person that is already abusing them), they are told to forget about it, and in order to forget about that kind of violation to their own psychological boundaries, they forget about themselves. We dismiss ourselves. I dismissed myself.

It's heartbreaking.

After years of being told to dismiss my own emotions, experiences, myself, I didn't need anyone else to do it for me. I told MYSELF I was crazy. I told myself I was too sensitive, overreacting, nuts, I deserved it, to just forget it, it wasn't important, I wasn't important, etc.

I believed it for a long time, but it just wasn't true.

I still have a hard time knowing if my reactions are "too much". The most valuable tool I have found is to think about how I would react if someone was doing or saying (...) to my sister, my friend, to those that I really love, how would I react? I believe I deserve the same love (and boundaries) I want for those that I care about most.

I wouldn't want my sister to take abuse, so I won't take abuse.

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

Quite a few people are signing up now. Please be sure to let us know when you finish so we can send you a certificate. If you make it through this course, you deserve the certificate!

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop: "This training course is FREE for anyone who wants to stop being the target of abuse and get the respect they deserve. You can do it and we show you how. Section 1 of the course can be started immediately after you read the Introduction, guidelines and disclaimer. If you find Section 1 helpful, then we invite you to continue with the second, more advanced half of the workshop. Section 2 is also free but requires the use of our Respect-Me Rules book because the lessons are based on the 12 Respect-me Rules and how to implement them. This educational tool is designed to give you clear and practical information on this issues. The tutorial is moderated by Dr. Marshall and Shelly Marshall.
"

'via Blog this'

Recommendation For If You Decide to Call Out Verbal Abuse

There is a great blog from Healthy Place that discusses what may happen when one names the abuse for their abuser. Respect-Me Rule number 10 "Call Attention to Verbal Abuse" is what deals with this in the Marshall approach. Yet, Kellie Holly, tells how the calling out the abuse escalated to violence in her relationship:

My Results From Calling Out Verbal Abuse (Yours May Vary)Naming the type of abuse out loud escalated the abuse to the point that he was a raging bull at all times. We COULDN’T talk. I hated having to give up whatever I was doing to leave the room, and a lot of the time he followed me. We played a sick “follow the leader” game around the house with him shouting as I tried to find refuge (and continued naming the type of abuse).

Naming the abuse can do several things, 1. show you, as it did Hollie, that your partner has no intention of changing, 2. escalate the abuse, especially if you call attentiont to abuse in a confrontational way, 3. or allow your partner to become more aware of he or she is doing.

Some abusive partners truly don't realize the extent of their behvaior--and remember, we often have trained them it is OK to mistreat us. In these cases a low key approach to calling attention, often without words, can benefit change in the relationship. However, if you are with a hard-core verbal abuser, a real control freak who is very afraid of losing control, you might experience some of the same things Hollie did. She put a list of the abuse up on the refrigerator. Coming across judgemental and accusatory to any partner probably will have a simelar outcome.

When I began my path to having my husband repsect me, I called attention to his abuse by whipping out a tape recorder every time he started in on me. It dramatically changed his behavior right away. So even if you don't think they know what they are doing, at some level they do know or their behavior wouldn't improve when they think others might hear. There are other ways to call attention to the abuse in a non-threatening way...if any of you have ways to do it, things you have used sucessfully, please share..

Introducing Myself

It was a little more than a month ago that Shelly asked if I would like to be a guest blogger here.. I loved the idea, and I really struggled with what to write. Last night, it finally hit me. The struggle is actually my feelings about the book Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

I love it, and I hate it.

Let me explain.

Four years ago, I was in a marriage that was physically and emotionally abusive, and I didn't know it. I refused to believe it. I sat with a church leader who showed me a list of behaviors that constituted abuse, and I knew I had experienced everything on the list, but I also knew it wasn't abuse. I knew I deserved it. Really, I knew a lot of things that simply weren't true... about me, about him, about love, about relationships.

I had been taught since I was very young that love = sacrifice. Love is always patient, kind, long-suffering. Love is never selfish, and thinking about myself or what I wanted was selfish. I believed it was my job to never get angry or offended - no matter what other people did. I believed that no matter what anyone else did to me, I had to take it. At the same time, I was angry, depressed, anxious and very suicidal. (And strangely enough, I used those things as just more "proof" that I deserved to be abused.)

I started going to therapy. When asked what my goals for therapy were, I actually said, "I want you to help me not be angry anymore. I want you to teach me how to just take it like I should."

I'm very grateful for what he said next, "Then you better leave now and go find a new therapist. I will NOT be a part of that."

That was the beginning of my journey. I went through a lot of therapy, read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching, crying, yelling, screaming, and fighting to regain my life. Last year, in my wanderings, I found the book, Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

It disagreed with everything I believed about relationships. It talked about boundaries. It talked about standing up for myself. It talked about a lot of things that I didn't understand, and I completely disagreed with. I hated it.

It also gave me hope for something I had never known. Maybe one day, I would be able to stand up for myself. I could have different relationships, because my marriage was not the only place that I felt used, angry, or abused. (I did eventually learn to call abuse, abuse, but it took a while.) I felt used in most of my relationships. I knew that people cared about me. I understood that most people didn't want to hurt me, but I didn't understand how to do it differently. In many ways, I didn't understand that there was another possibility. The book gave me specific suggestions and ideas, and got me thinking about things differently. I loved it.

I still feel that same love-hate towards the book. My copy is beat up. I have actually thrown it across the room, and cried out in frustration, "I SO don't want to have to know this stuff!"

Lately, respecting me is becoming a little more natural to me. I'm very different from when I started this journey. I've come to realize that I don't "have to" know anything, however I want a better life. By becoming aware of what is, I'm creating the life I've always wanted.

I'm still in the process of discovering me. I have so much to learn. I've also come SO far, and I'm excited to share some of my journey with all of you.

Cheers,

jen

P.S.

A little bit about me: I love horses and nature. My horse, Sunny, pretty much saved my life by teaching me how to trust another being and how to ask for what I wanted. I'm divorced. I love funny movies and books that make me think. If you want to know anything else, you're welcome to visit my personal blog. I'm pretty open over there about whatever pops into my head.