A mini lesson in right and wrong in abusive relationships.
Abusive Relationships: "The abuser The abusing person may have particular characteristics, such as: Believing they are always right (and others are wrong)."
Yes, abusers often believe they are right and you are wrong--but then you believe you are right and they are wrong!
Got news for you--it's relative. Take the right and wrong out of the relationship equation--replace it with what works. What works for you is right for you, what works for them is right for them. But if what works for them is NOT right for you, only you can change that equation. You have the right to be wrong.
An abusive partner will insist that you are wrong (it doesn't matter about what--you are just wrong) and that you must "admit" that and conform to their version of the issue. You can go along to get along, but with a real abuser, the next week they are likely to reverse their position and claim you don't remember what they said. They insist you do one thing this week and then the opposite the next and you are always wrong in their eyes. That is how it works. You can not logic with them or please them because they will make you wrong no matter what.
So how do you change them? You don't. How do you make them see what they have done? You don't. How can you prove that they told you the opposite last week? You can't. This is abuse.
Is there a way to protect yourself? Yes, many ways--but it doesn't involve changing them. It is centered in setting boundaries and enforcing them. For this lesson, forget right and wrong--YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE WRONG. Let them know this--get the message across that they can be right all they want and make you wrong in their eyes--but that the right and wrong message won't work on you any longer because even if you are wrong (they won't be convinced otherwise) you have that right.
'via Blog this'
Abusive Relationships: "The abuser The abusing person may have particular characteristics, such as: Believing they are always right (and others are wrong)."
Yes, abusers often believe they are right and you are wrong--but then you believe you are right and they are wrong!
Got news for you--it's relative. Take the right and wrong out of the relationship equation--replace it with what works. What works for you is right for you, what works for them is right for them. But if what works for them is NOT right for you, only you can change that equation. You have the right to be wrong.
An abusive partner will insist that you are wrong (it doesn't matter about what--you are just wrong) and that you must "admit" that and conform to their version of the issue. You can go along to get along, but with a real abuser, the next week they are likely to reverse their position and claim you don't remember what they said. They insist you do one thing this week and then the opposite the next and you are always wrong in their eyes. That is how it works. You can not logic with them or please them because they will make you wrong no matter what.
So how do you change them? You don't. How do you make them see what they have done? You don't. How can you prove that they told you the opposite last week? You can't. This is abuse.
Is there a way to protect yourself? Yes, many ways--but it doesn't involve changing them. It is centered in setting boundaries and enforcing them. For this lesson, forget right and wrong--YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE WRONG. Let them know this--get the message across that they can be right all they want and make you wrong in their eyes--but that the right and wrong message won't work on you any longer because even if you are wrong (they won't be convinced otherwise) you have that right.
'via Blog this'
The right to be wrong. "agree to disagree" I needed that.
ReplyDeleteSo if their cheating on you and on sex/dating websites you should say nothing?
ReplyDeleteHe's got the right to be wrong ?
I think you didn't read through the whole thing. Review this,"What works for you is right for you, what works for them is right for them. But if what works for them is NOT right for you, only you can change that equation. You have the right to be wrong."
ReplyDeleteIf someone were cheating on me, I could not accept that. I would not only say something--the situation woudl change. Since I can't change them, I woudl have to decide what I wanted to do--leave? refuse to engage in sex with them for health reasons? ask them to leave? Naturally it is based on the situation. You learn how to demand that others respect you--not to change them or be silent.