this is the BEST article on subtle abuse I've ever read--it compliments the article on subtle abuse I wrote about Jim McGirr and myself of Sunday, November 09, 2008--scroll down to that dates blog.
Respecting my boundaries saved me from an abuser--but this man's advice can catch the abuser BEFORE you become attached! Read his article and I suggest reading Dr. Stoshny's book
Effective Self Defense For Women: Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse - The Very Early Warning Signs: "More useful than a list of obvious red flags are guidelines based on very early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship, signs that are visible before an attachment bond is formed. The following is a list of qualities to look for in a potential lover. Avoid them at all costs.
Note: During the early stages of your relationship, your partner is not likely to do any of these things to you. But witnessing these attitudes and behaviors toward others is a sure sign that they will turn onto you, sooner or later."
