Recommendation For If You Decide to Call Out Verbal Abuse

There is a great blog from Healthy Place that discusses what may happen when one names the abuse for their abuser. Respect-Me Rule number 10 "Call Attention to Verbal Abuse" is what deals with this in the Marshall approach. Yet, Kellie Holly, tells how the calling out the abuse escalated to violence in her relationship:

My Results From Calling Out Verbal Abuse (Yours May Vary)Naming the type of abuse out loud escalated the abuse to the point that he was a raging bull at all times. We COULDN’T talk. I hated having to give up whatever I was doing to leave the room, and a lot of the time he followed me. We played a sick “follow the leader” game around the house with him shouting as I tried to find refuge (and continued naming the type of abuse).

Naming the abuse can do several things, 1. show you, as it did Hollie, that your partner has no intention of changing, 2. escalate the abuse, especially if you call attentiont to abuse in a confrontational way, 3. or allow your partner to become more aware of he or she is doing.

Some abusive partners truly don't realize the extent of their behvaior--and remember, we often have trained them it is OK to mistreat us. In these cases a low key approach to calling attention, often without words, can benefit change in the relationship. However, if you are with a hard-core verbal abuser, a real control freak who is very afraid of losing control, you might experience some of the same things Hollie did. She put a list of the abuse up on the refrigerator. Coming across judgemental and accusatory to any partner probably will have a simelar outcome.

When I began my path to having my husband repsect me, I called attention to his abuse by whipping out a tape recorder every time he started in on me. It dramatically changed his behavior right away. So even if you don't think they know what they are doing, at some level they do know or their behavior wouldn't improve when they think others might hear. There are other ways to call attention to the abuse in a non-threatening way...if any of you have ways to do it, things you have used sucessfully, please share..

Introducing Myself

It was a little more than a month ago that Shelly asked if I would like to be a guest blogger here.. I loved the idea, and I really struggled with what to write. Last night, it finally hit me. The struggle is actually my feelings about the book Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

I love it, and I hate it.

Let me explain.

Four years ago, I was in a marriage that was physically and emotionally abusive, and I didn't know it. I refused to believe it. I sat with a church leader who showed me a list of behaviors that constituted abuse, and I knew I had experienced everything on the list, but I also knew it wasn't abuse. I knew I deserved it. Really, I knew a lot of things that simply weren't true... about me, about him, about love, about relationships.

I had been taught since I was very young that love = sacrifice. Love is always patient, kind, long-suffering. Love is never selfish, and thinking about myself or what I wanted was selfish. I believed it was my job to never get angry or offended - no matter what other people did. I believed that no matter what anyone else did to me, I had to take it. At the same time, I was angry, depressed, anxious and very suicidal. (And strangely enough, I used those things as just more "proof" that I deserved to be abused.)

I started going to therapy. When asked what my goals for therapy were, I actually said, "I want you to help me not be angry anymore. I want you to teach me how to just take it like I should."

I'm very grateful for what he said next, "Then you better leave now and go find a new therapist. I will NOT be a part of that."

That was the beginning of my journey. I went through a lot of therapy, read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching, crying, yelling, screaming, and fighting to regain my life. Last year, in my wanderings, I found the book, Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

It disagreed with everything I believed about relationships. It talked about boundaries. It talked about standing up for myself. It talked about a lot of things that I didn't understand, and I completely disagreed with. I hated it.

It also gave me hope for something I had never known. Maybe one day, I would be able to stand up for myself. I could have different relationships, because my marriage was not the only place that I felt used, angry, or abused. (I did eventually learn to call abuse, abuse, but it took a while.) I felt used in most of my relationships. I knew that people cared about me. I understood that most people didn't want to hurt me, but I didn't understand how to do it differently. In many ways, I didn't understand that there was another possibility. The book gave me specific suggestions and ideas, and got me thinking about things differently. I loved it.

I still feel that same love-hate towards the book. My copy is beat up. I have actually thrown it across the room, and cried out in frustration, "I SO don't want to have to know this stuff!"

Lately, respecting me is becoming a little more natural to me. I'm very different from when I started this journey. I've come to realize that I don't "have to" know anything, however I want a better life. By becoming aware of what is, I'm creating the life I've always wanted.

I'm still in the process of discovering me. I have so much to learn. I've also come SO far, and I'm excited to share some of my journey with all of you.

Cheers,

jen

P.S.

A little bit about me: I love horses and nature. My horse, Sunny, pretty much saved my life by teaching me how to trust another being and how to ask for what I wanted. I'm divorced. I love funny movies and books that make me think. If you want to know anything else, you're welcome to visit my personal blog. I'm pretty open over there about whatever pops into my head.

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questions_answers 1

This is a great site--it looks like Kim and Steve have figured out how to gain respect in your love relationship. they claim there are three things that you must never do if you want to stop the verbal abuse.

1. Stop asking your partner to change.

2. Stop encouraging them to share their feelings.

3. Stop trying to please them.

For those of you who read "Respect me Rules" or taken the FREE verbal abuse online workshop, you have heard this before. This couple is basically same the same things Dr. Marshall and myself are teaching--its a good support site.

For those of you who have not taken our online workshop--its free, and it will help begin the process of changing the way you think about your partner and about yourself. Isn't it time these changes begin?

It gets better--hang in there!

Publisher's Poster Page for book is up!

Our Publisher, Cedar Fort has published a Poster Page for us.

Click for Poster Page

Please check it out--you can look inside the book and see if this is the program you need.

(Note to Jen:--would you send me your email address? Send to daybyday at  cut.net

Thanks.

Abusers begin as Bullies--See DATELINE's new report

Where do abusers come from? Its not as complicated an answer as you might think--they come from bullies--both men and women.  In fact a verbal and emotional abuser is just a fancy term for BULLY. Dateline did a special on bullying and it's something we can learn from, if we choose--If you ever get to see the program, it has a lot of helpful insights. See the Dateline report 'My Kid Would Never Bully' with Kate Snow.

Unfortunately, although the program itself was excellent, they fell short on their website resource, "Tips about Bullying." It advises to tell on the bully (not usually helpful). It follows with advice for adults that falls way short! The BEST ever advice on bullies is the work done by  Izzy Kalman at Bullies2Buddies. This man understands the dynamics behind bullying and has the only effective approach for kids we have seen--and it doesn't involve "telling" unless  physical danger is imminent.

But back to the program itseft--it was GREAT. The woman expert, Roselynn, was very knowledgeable.  The crew had set up hidden cameras and hired actors to bully another actor. There were three to four kids (scenes were done with both boys and girls) who were bystanders. The parents and crew wanted to see if the bystanders would stand up for the victim or join in. I was actually very proud of most of the kids--they often did try to stand up for the picked-on actor.

What has this got to do with us? Well, the principles concerning bullies and abusers are the same--"power over another," as linda Evans would say. Their power goal is to control you and make you less than them. Many adult abusers start off their abusing careers--as school yard bullies. The take home lesson from this program is seeing how the kids effectively handled the bully, because that teaches us how to "handle" adult bullies.

The most important lesson came from a young gril named Lilly. The set up was two girl bullies picking on a fat girl and getting really mean, "everyone knows that you don't wear horizontal stripes when you're big."--Lilly wasn't having any of it and confronted them right off the bat. She was extremely agrressive about not letting the girls bully the fat chick, even going to the point of getting on her knees and mockingly paying homage to the bullies.

Once the adults came back to the rooma nd let the kids know what was going on--relief was swift. However, then some of the parents asked, "Did Lilly go too far? Did she get too aggressive in standing up for the girl?" In our socieity we are taught to tone it down, be kind, and don't overreact..." that is the sort of teaching that makes women suspectable to being a target int he first place.

Rosilyn's answer? "Kindness doesn't work! It shows weakness." How right she is! We applaud her honest and straightwoard approach. This is what we teach our targets--do not be kind about stopping abuse. That is not to say be unkind. But you must be firm and you must not "tone it down." Remember you are meant to be respected and demanding respect works.

Thanks Dateline--this was a good start--now lets take the priciples to the adult bully. And thanks, Lilly, you are the role model that shows us what the Miracle Principle is all about!

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace

Listen to our radio interview--15 minutes and the host, Gary, helps us give a great summery of what is in the book!

Putting a Stop to Verbal and Emotional Abuse | Radio Show Blog - HealthyPlace: "As we heard from our guest Kellie Holly last week,verbal and emotional abuse is insidious and destructive. Once you recognize you’re in an abusive relationship, what do you do about it? Shelly and Dr. Michael Marshall say putting a stop to verbal and emotional abuse is up to you."

My Verbally Abusive Marriage

I love this women!!!! Go read her blog. She GETS it! Kelly understands that to be abused you have to allow it.

My Verbally Abusive Marriage:

"I’ve written before that abuse is a cycle. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum, meaning that an abuser cannot be an abuser if there is no one to abuse. A victim cannot be a victim if there is no one to transfer authority to.

I did just that. I transferred my authority over ME to him a very long time ago. I gave me away. I chose to be the harmony instead of the melody. I chose to give up parts of myself in order to … to what?"

Shel also has a free download of a worksheet regarding how you allow abuse and why that abuser does it--work checking out her site.