Some Really Good Stuff

BrainWashers

Here is an interesting site that describes a lot symptoms. I especially like the term, "brainwhaser." This is what they call abusers--good term!

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse: "HE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher."

'via Blog this'

A subtle, yet serious, form of emotional abuse

I just read a blogpost on "Gaslighting".

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to make their target think they are crazy, their reactions on abnormal, or wrong, or... in some way completely invalidate the other person.

The blog is not superbly written, and there are a few things I really didn't like about it. (The biggest being that he seemed to think that it was only a problem done to women, and that he could tell other women what their problem was.)

There was one line that really struck me, "That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

Here it is in a little more context:

"These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking."

That is what emotional abuse does to a person. They can't express what is going on, and when they try to express it (especially to the person that is already abusing them), they are told to forget about it, and in order to forget about that kind of violation to their own psychological boundaries, they forget about themselves. We dismiss ourselves. I dismissed myself.

It's heartbreaking.

After years of being told to dismiss my own emotions, experiences, myself, I didn't need anyone else to do it for me. I told MYSELF I was crazy. I told myself I was too sensitive, overreacting, nuts, I deserved it, to just forget it, it wasn't important, I wasn't important, etc.

I believed it for a long time, but it just wasn't true.

I still have a hard time knowing if my reactions are "too much". The most valuable tool I have found is to think about how I would react if someone was doing or saying (...) to my sister, my friend, to those that I really love, how would I react? I believe I deserve the same love (and boundaries) I want for those that I care about most.

I wouldn't want my sister to take abuse, so I won't take abuse.

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

Quite a few people are signing up now. Please be sure to let us know when you finish so we can send you a certificate. If you make it through this course, you deserve the certificate!

Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop: "This training course is FREE for anyone who wants to stop being the target of abuse and get the respect they deserve. You can do it and we show you how. Section 1 of the course can be started immediately after you read the Introduction, guidelines and disclaimer. If you find Section 1 helpful, then we invite you to continue with the second, more advanced half of the workshop. Section 2 is also free but requires the use of our Respect-Me Rules book because the lessons are based on the 12 Respect-me Rules and how to implement them. This educational tool is designed to give you clear and practical information on this issues. The tutorial is moderated by Dr. Marshall and Shelly Marshall.
"

'via Blog this'

Recommendation For If You Decide to Call Out Verbal Abuse

There is a great blog from Healthy Place that discusses what may happen when one names the abuse for their abuser. Respect-Me Rule number 10 "Call Attention to Verbal Abuse" is what deals with this in the Marshall approach. Yet, Kellie Holly, tells how the calling out the abuse escalated to violence in her relationship:

My Results From Calling Out Verbal Abuse (Yours May Vary)Naming the type of abuse out loud escalated the abuse to the point that he was a raging bull at all times. We COULDN’T talk. I hated having to give up whatever I was doing to leave the room, and a lot of the time he followed me. We played a sick “follow the leader” game around the house with him shouting as I tried to find refuge (and continued naming the type of abuse).

Naming the abuse can do several things, 1. show you, as it did Hollie, that your partner has no intention of changing, 2. escalate the abuse, especially if you call attentiont to abuse in a confrontational way, 3. or allow your partner to become more aware of he or she is doing.

Some abusive partners truly don't realize the extent of their behvaior--and remember, we often have trained them it is OK to mistreat us. In these cases a low key approach to calling attention, often without words, can benefit change in the relationship. However, if you are with a hard-core verbal abuser, a real control freak who is very afraid of losing control, you might experience some of the same things Hollie did. She put a list of the abuse up on the refrigerator. Coming across judgemental and accusatory to any partner probably will have a simelar outcome.

When I began my path to having my husband repsect me, I called attention to his abuse by whipping out a tape recorder every time he started in on me. It dramatically changed his behavior right away. So even if you don't think they know what they are doing, at some level they do know or their behavior wouldn't improve when they think others might hear. There are other ways to call attention to the abuse in a non-threatening way...if any of you have ways to do it, things you have used sucessfully, please share..

Introducing Myself

It was a little more than a month ago that Shelly asked if I would like to be a guest blogger here.. I loved the idea, and I really struggled with what to write. Last night, it finally hit me. The struggle is actually my feelings about the book Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

I love it, and I hate it.

Let me explain.

Four years ago, I was in a marriage that was physically and emotionally abusive, and I didn't know it. I refused to believe it. I sat with a church leader who showed me a list of behaviors that constituted abuse, and I knew I had experienced everything on the list, but I also knew it wasn't abuse. I knew I deserved it. Really, I knew a lot of things that simply weren't true... about me, about him, about love, about relationships.

I had been taught since I was very young that love = sacrifice. Love is always patient, kind, long-suffering. Love is never selfish, and thinking about myself or what I wanted was selfish. I believed it was my job to never get angry or offended - no matter what other people did. I believed that no matter what anyone else did to me, I had to take it. At the same time, I was angry, depressed, anxious and very suicidal. (And strangely enough, I used those things as just more "proof" that I deserved to be abused.)

I started going to therapy. When asked what my goals for therapy were, I actually said, "I want you to help me not be angry anymore. I want you to teach me how to just take it like I should."

I'm very grateful for what he said next, "Then you better leave now and go find a new therapist. I will NOT be a part of that."

That was the beginning of my journey. I went through a lot of therapy, read a lot of books, did a lot of soul-searching, crying, yelling, screaming, and fighting to regain my life. Last year, in my wanderings, I found the book, Respect-me R.U.L.E.S.

It disagreed with everything I believed about relationships. It talked about boundaries. It talked about standing up for myself. It talked about a lot of things that I didn't understand, and I completely disagreed with. I hated it.

It also gave me hope for something I had never known. Maybe one day, I would be able to stand up for myself. I could have different relationships, because my marriage was not the only place that I felt used, angry, or abused. (I did eventually learn to call abuse, abuse, but it took a while.) I felt used in most of my relationships. I knew that people cared about me. I understood that most people didn't want to hurt me, but I didn't understand how to do it differently. In many ways, I didn't understand that there was another possibility. The book gave me specific suggestions and ideas, and got me thinking about things differently. I loved it.

I still feel that same love-hate towards the book. My copy is beat up. I have actually thrown it across the room, and cried out in frustration, "I SO don't want to have to know this stuff!"

Lately, respecting me is becoming a little more natural to me. I'm very different from when I started this journey. I've come to realize that I don't "have to" know anything, however I want a better life. By becoming aware of what is, I'm creating the life I've always wanted.

I'm still in the process of discovering me. I have so much to learn. I've also come SO far, and I'm excited to share some of my journey with all of you.

Cheers,

jen

P.S.

A little bit about me: I love horses and nature. My horse, Sunny, pretty much saved my life by teaching me how to trust another being and how to ask for what I wanted. I'm divorced. I love funny movies and books that make me think. If you want to know anything else, you're welcome to visit my personal blog. I'm pretty open over there about whatever pops into my head.

questions_answers 1

questions_answers 1

This is a great site--it looks like Kim and Steve have figured out how to gain respect in your love relationship. they claim there are three things that you must never do if you want to stop the verbal abuse.

1. Stop asking your partner to change.

2. Stop encouraging them to share their feelings.

3. Stop trying to please them.

For those of you who read "Respect me Rules" or taken the FREE verbal abuse online workshop, you have heard this before. This couple is basically same the same things Dr. Marshall and myself are teaching--its a good support site.

For those of you who have not taken our online workshop--its free, and it will help begin the process of changing the way you think about your partner and about yourself. Isn't it time these changes begin?

It gets better--hang in there!