Monday, February 23, 2015

Boyhood - Movie as much about abuse as growing up

I watched the acclaimed movie, Boyhood last night and thought it a movie worth watching for partners in abusive relationships. I know it was supposed to be about this boy growing up using snapshots of his life. It was interesting. nothing spectacular, It showed how resilient kids are and even though Mom went from one abusive relationship to another, the boy grew up just fine.

But the part of the movie that caught my attention and the reason I think it is worth watching, is the Mom--who kept looking for a stable good marriage and kept marrying abusive men. To her credit, she got out as soon as it got bad in each relationship (some women can't even do that),but then went right back into another abusive marriage.

What we at Respect-Me Rules believe is that you should stay (if possible) in your current relationship and teach your partner to honor your boundaries--ie, respect the way you want to be treated. The way you are treated (for the most part) is your responsibility. The mother (Patricia Arquette) in Boyhood placates her succession of abusers until it gets too oppressive and then fees. She never learns that it is she, who has trained these guys that it is OK to abuse her. She never gets it and thus ends up alone and confused as to how her life never turned out in the fashion she wanted. Her last plea in the film is heartfelt and pitiful.

In fact her first husband who abused her, ended up with another woman who apparently did not allow him to treat her that way--he turned out to be the husband Patricia would have wanted in the first place--he was not a different man later in life, just married to a different woman, who it seems, demanded he treat her right.

I want all our partners to see this movie and write a paragraph explaining how this mom was the basis of her own trouble--not that she picked the wrong guys, but that she allowed them, and even rewarded the abuse. The paragraph is for your benefit--sometimes it is easier to see ourselves when we analyse another who is doing teh same thing.

Boyhood - Official Movie Site - Now Playing:

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Friday, February 13, 2015

New Graduates from the-Respect-Me R.U.L.E.S-Workshop

We have 5 new graduates who earned the Verbal Abuse Defense Certificate. Each of them  completed all 4 sessions and we've provided some insights they shared with us via the lessons.

First graduate:

Rachel B. who exaplined how we actaully hurt our partner by allowing them to abuse us, "Because we are reinforcing bad behavior. We are teaching them it is okay to be abusive. We are teaching them that bad behavior gets rewarded.

Maria V, the next grduate srote about the definition of detachment: "Detachment means that you don't let The power to your partner to hurt you any longer. Its neither kind or unkind, it means be yourself and not let anyone to take over you."

Annalissa R., described why "Kathy" in the story about the Kathy let the abuse go so far that it took her life, "At first, she believed it would change, then she was doing best to fix things, then she lost ability to make good decisions."

Kassi D, was able to summerize how closure might take place in their life, "I would be surrounded by people who see how intelligent I am, how determined I am to take personal responsibility and practice empathy and compassion, how hardworking I am, and see how I work to improve myself  and my life. All these people would tell her at length what an idiot she was for throwing away my love and treating me like shit. They would inform her that her terrible fear of dying alone and unloved, that inspired her to try to control and manipulate me, will come true precisely because of the abuse she chose to try to prevent it from happening."

 Our final graduate, Connie B., also ocmmented on Kathy's story and was quite organized in her thoughts, "I believe Kathy let it go this far, As stated in the article,

 A) she had a 'Pleaser Personality'

 B) She had allowed her support network to reduce in size and disappear.

 C) she allowed herself to lose control of her independence.

 D) she developed a 'Euphoric Recall' reality.

You all did such a great job! Congradulations!

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